Sorry it took so long, guys--I got sucked into Alias, which I'd only seen one episode of before. Sigh.
The jungles of Katebabwe. The music here is really--well, it sounds like the love theme off Vertigo, is all I'm saying. Very lush and swooning and '50s. Kate's in a tree, apparently picking fruit. She hears a noise, she throws a stone, she hits a Sawyer. "OW! I WAS PROTECTING YOU!" "From what? Southern perverts?" Ah, the sweet smell of touché in the morning. So while Saywer is making fun of Kate's he-woman antics ("ME KATE. ME THROW ROCK") and her Strider-esque proclivities ("What, you smell blood on the wind?"), Kate's busy discovering a picturesque laguna complete with waterfall. So what do we do? Why, frolic in it, of course. Sawyer swims in his jeans, which seems ill-advised at best. Kate swims in her tank top and the Black Bikini Underwear of Mighty T&A, about which Sawyer is a little too excited. Also, let us not contemplate the weeks Kate has now been on the island without access to wax. They climb rocks and dive and swim and the music is now very "Wonders of Wildlife" type stuff. Seriously, I expect to see Flipper bobbing past at any time. And then they see dead bodies at the bottom WAHHHH.
Credits, commercials, blah. Sawyer dives back to loot the watery dead like the klassy guy he is. It looks like a man and a woman in a pair of seats fallen out of the plane. Also: blarrrrrg. Kate's all disgusted until she notices the shimmer of a silver briefcase under the seats, so she gets Sawyer to help drag it out. She claims it's hers, and then she says it's not, and then Sawyer says he'll take it, and she's all, "Fine, see if I care."
Beach. Sayid notes that a weirdly high tide is coming in and threatening to engulf the fuselage. Beachfolk are dragging all their stuff further inland. Post-tsunami coincidences: IN!A!PPROPRIATE! Jack flogs his cave obsession a little more, but Sayid points out that no one really wants to go back into the jungle after l'affaire Babymama (she's still missing). Jack wants Sayid to take him to Crazy Rousseau because she said there were other people on the island and that might help them find Babymama of the Apocalypse and stuff, but Sayid won't budge. He also insists that he was all delirious and did not hear voices on his powerhobble back through the jungle. "It was just the wind." Sure it was. Sayid is also unhelpful with the Crazy Rousseau notes that he stole, because he can't read French, and also "some things are best left untranslated." DUN DUN DUN.
Also, Charlie is forlorn on the beach. Woe.
Elsewhere, Boone and Snicker Bitch
flirt bicker. Oh, hey--whatever happened with the thing that he and Locke... oh. I guess they're not telling anyone. Boone and Locke have been making trips to the jungle to look for Babymama... unlike Snicker Bitch, who Boone asserts is "useless." Ah, young love.
Sawyerland. Kate watches Sawyer drag the case to his tent, and... I do believe it is flashback time! A middle-aged manager helps "Miss Ryan" with a loan application; Kate supplies the information that she has come here to New Mexico as a photographer working on a "coffee table book about old theaters in small towns." I don't buy this for a moment, but okay. And she calls the manager Mr. Whatever The Name On His Plaque Is (Hutton? I forget), and he's all like, "Call me Mike." (Or whatever. Look, I'm tired.) So there's a little bit of flirting here, because apparently hope springs eternal. And then bank robbers bust in and start shooting up the ceiling and things go boom.
Kate sneaks into Sawyerland and tries to sneak away with the case while Sawyer's sleeping, except that apparently he was faking it the whole time, and he grabs her like a friggin' Venus Fly Trap (wow, I so wanted to say something else that rhymes with "Venus" right there) and clamps his legs around her. Damn, he's a quick one. And then Kate headbutts him. Sawyer's all like, WHOA, WHOA! We're gonna play rough, we gotta pick a safe word first! Kate stomps off. (Sawyer: "Hey! Wanna try again?")
The sunny beaches of Snickerbitchapan. Shannon sunbathes. We watch her lie there. We watch her turn over. We watch her take off her bikini top while lying on her stomach. Maggie Grace gets an eye candy bonus in her next paycheck. Sayid walks by and mentions that they're closer to the equator and therefore the sun is probably stronger than she's used to, and I'm thinking, really--I'm pretty sure this girl, of all girls, can handle her tan. Also, he wanted to ask her something. Shannon sits up with the towel oh-so-coyly clutched to her chest; she seems all too happy to talk. Then Sayid says that he needs help translating the French. Initially Shannon thinks that Boone sent him to, you know, make her feel useless, but Sayid's all like, Brother? You have a brother? So she says she'll do it, because she is, like the best of us, helpless against the charms of Sayid.
Sawyerland. Mercutio laughs at Sawyer trying to pick the lock of the briefcase: "If you pick that, I'll fly you to LA on my back. You can't pick a Halliburton." Hurley walks by and he's all like, "Hey man, what's up," and Mercutio's like, "He's trying to pick a Halliburton," and Hurley's all like "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA." Mercutio tells Sawyer that he's going to need to hit it hard--with some major combination of force and velocity. Probably with the axe. Or something. Don't ask me; I can't math. Sawyer gets a glint in his eye. This scene was brought to you courtesy of Halliburton. Buy Halliburton for all your metal briefcase, vice-presidential, and/or Iraqi restructuring needs.
The Luxemboone-Locke Lomond Alliance. Locke has gotten Boone to steal... the axe. Great. There's some bit about whether Boone was or was not noticed taking the axe that I guess is supposed to... I don't even know. Show that they're sneaking off by themselves? Kill time? Search me.
Rose makes a diplomatic gesture to the Embassy of Charlie Arabia that consists of, basically, "Hi. Get off your ass." It's nicer than that, but that's what it boils down to. She forces him to help her drag... some random piece of jetsam up the beach. I don't know. But it is probably a good idea, I imagine, to get him moving and out of his misery-wallow, and Rose (remember? The black woman sitting next to Jack on the plane who believes her husband's still alive somewhere?) of all people would know what's that like.
Now we get a montage of Sawyer hurling the briefcase on rocks, to no avail. Then he gets the bright idea to climb up a tree and drop it from there, because of course a case that survived a plane crash is going to crack open after a fifty-foot drop. "Physics my ass!" he grumbles. Then Kate runs in, takes the case, and scampers away. Hee. Sawyer chases her through the jungle and there is much of the chasing, blurry jungle, chasing chasing, and then Sawyer jumps on her and they end up in one of their patented clinches again. JUST DO IT ALREADY. DOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIT. She tries to headbutt him, and he's all like, Ha ha! I know that trick! You think you're so--[BAM!], and she lands another one while he's busy congratulating himself. Then he offers to give her the case if she'll just tell him what's in it, since he can't get in it anyway, and it's his curiosity he wants satisfied. Uh-huhhhhhh. She refuses.
Flashback. The manager won't give the head robber the key. All the robbers are bouncing around in their super-sekrit black ninjawear bellowing "EVERYBODY STAY COOL!," and I have to say, these are the least "cool" robbers I've ever seen. It's like, every time they shout "STAY CALM!," another bank customer wets himself or something. Oh, for the days of George Clooney robbing banks. There was a bank robber who'd rob you blind and make you feel like he'd done you a favor. And then some tubby armchair quarterback behind Kate's like, "I can take him." Ohhhhhhh no. He jumps one of the robbers and the gun skids across the floor to Kate, who, after some fumbling, sobs, "I don't know how to use a gun!" Everyone sitting at home watching this goes, "SHENANIGANS!" The head robber gets the gun away from her and, to punish her insolence, hustles her into some back office, where he rips off his mask and she giggles. They make out. Oh, Kate.
The Temporary Alliance of Sayidistan and Snickerbitchapan. Sayid and Shannon sit amid a pile of notes and equations and crap, mathing and Frenching. (Not that kind of Frenching.) (Yet.) Shannon's all like, "I can't doooooo this." Sayid patiently gives her the "you can do anything you put your mind to" speech. Then he asks how/why she learned French, and while the simple answer is, "Uh, just about every American high school I know of requires about two years of foreign language, and Snicker Bitch wouldn't even bother learning Spanish to tell the hired help to fetch her another bottle of Hawaiian Tropic." So, why French? Well, there was this guy. Interestingly, Sayid perks up here. Shannon was living in St. Tropez, apparently--no word of where Boone was--and there was this guy, and he was French. Or something. "Well, that's the best reason to learn a language," says Sayid sagely. Well, I'm pretty sure they could have gotten along just fine on the international language, if you know what I mean and I think you do, but okay.
Cavetown-on-Dead Pool. The return of Sun and Jin! Yay! Except Jin gets no face time. I don't know if he knows yet that Sun can speak English--now that I think about it, I'm not even sure that she was speaking English to Jack. I thought she was, but I couldn't hear too well. She has to mime "headache" in order to get that idea across, at any rate--she's giving Jack tips on herbal medicine. Awww. Then Kate shows up. "We have a problem." Jack accurately diagnoses this as, "We... or you?" Kate pleads for help on the grounds that Jack's the only one who "knows about [her]." You know. Her whole thing. With the thing. That JACK BLEW HIS CHANCE TO ASK ABOUT. So she explains that Agent Shrapnel had a hard enough time getting his ankle holster approved to board the plane; the case had to be checked. (Interestingly, we see several shots of Sun sort of listening in the background.) The problem is that Sawyer now has it, and he can't open it now, but he will. (Oh, I highly doubt that, Kate. Did you see that montage back there?) But Kate does know where the key is: In the marshal's wallet. In the back pocket. Of the pants he was wearing. WHEN HE WAS BURIED. Jack insists on opening the case with her, and she seems to have no problem with that, because she is a wily, tricksy Kate.
Rose and Charlie are still hauling some random piece of jetsam. I mean, you never know when you might need a random hunk of metal. Charlie notes that Rose looks... happy. She supposes that she does. He notes that things are awful, and there are things that want to eat people, and people that want to hurt other people, and Rose interrupts this pity party to tell him that nobody blames him for what happened to Babymama. Whatever that is. Charlie is at first taken aback, and then bitters that maybe he should have died, and a great keening of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" rises up from the internets. Rose tells Charlie that he's just going to have to ask for help. Now, at this point, I had no idea who she meant, except that Jack might have to pull double duty as a surgeon-psychiatrist, or Sun was going to heal his woe with an infusion of, I don't know, wild tarragon or something.
Jack brings Kate to a grave marked with a cross he stole off the Blair Witch's front lawn. "Why didn't you burn him with the rest of the bodies from the fuselage?" asks Kate, and Jack's all like, "Because that would have screwed this storyline--I mean, I needed to bury him. Besides, I got on that plane to bury something, and damned if I wasn't gonna do it when I got the chance."
Another flashback. Kate's real name is apparently Maggie (OR IS IT? She is kind of rocking the Maggie Gyllenhaal Secretary look today). The bank robber guy... well, he's certainly not worth robbing banks for. I mean, he's not bad looking. I'd just hold out for better before I started committing felonies, is all I'm saying. So this guy slaps Kate around to make it look like... well, like he slapped her around. Then he shoves her out into the main lobby and onto the marble floor face-first and Kate's all like, TNKS, JRK. And Robber Guy goes to the manager and says, "You got three seconds to gimme that key or I kill the girl." Well played, Felon McNotcute.
Agent Shrapnel's grave. Aaaaand it's corpses a-gogo this week on Lost. Kate and Jack retch and heave. They pull out a wallet crawling with maggots, and apparently Kate palms the key from the wallet while Jack is gagging--I guess that's what happened, because the "LOOK! MAGGOTTY WALLET!" trick was so good that I wasn't looking, either. But Jack thought of that, apparently, and has her show what's in her hand. He is very, very disappointed in Kate.
The Temporary Alliance of Sayidistan and Snickerbitchapan. Shannon reads out something that doesn't even sound like French, but then, I was only half paying attention. Crazy Rousseau's notes are about stuff like "the sea of silver sparkles" and "blue infinity." Sayid is vexed. "A) I told you my French sucks and B) I DIDN'T WRITE IT!" snaps Shannon. "This was a mistake," says Sayid. Like, dude. Take a break or something. Shannon retorts, "Haven't you heard? I'M COMPLETELY USELESS!" And then she storms off to her room to cry into her pink satin pillow and play Evanescence really loud, or something.
Sawyerland. Jack has undertaken a diplomatic mission to Sawyer's tent, which is a bold move, I must say. "Doctor," says Sawyer, "what can I do you for?" Oh, that choice of words will keep the shippers up nights, I tell you what. Jack tries to bargain with Sawyer for the case, pointing out that if he withholds Sawyer's Cephalexin (hey! I think I've taken that before! Don't know what for, but...), Sawyer's wounded arm will basically putrefy and fall off. There's a slight pissing contest over whether Jack has the balls to do that or not, and Jack's all like, SO HELP ME GOD, so Sawyer shrugs and hands it over, with the hope that "you got some Jaws of Life back there in Cavetown."
Kate is all mopey on the fuselage. Jack brings her the case and said, "We're gonna do this together, because I said we would." So she goes with him.
Flashback, of course, before we can get to that. Robber Guy has finally gotten the manager to unlock his precious "money cage," and the poor manager's just like, "Please, let the girl go now." Awwww. Robber Guy, who just can't stand a clean getaway, I guess, is all like, "Man, you have no idea. THE GIRL IS THE ONE WHO SET YOU UP, PICKED THIS BANK, PICKED THIS VAULT." Then he pulls off his mask, and Kate has the same reaction I do, which is, "Ohhhhhhh shit, the manager guy is totally dead." Kate pulls out a gun--or grabs someone else's gun; it happens really fast--and tells Robber Guy that if he shoots, she shoots, but before he can she shoots him in the leg and shoots like two of their accomplices, and he's like, "Maggie!" and she's like, "My name's not Maggie." HA! And then, before she makes her getaway, she has the manager help her open a safety deposit box she has a key to. There's a bulky envelope inside, which she takes.
So we open the case. There, just like she said: Money. Guns. And... "Personal Effects." Inside that? The safety-deposit box envelope. And inside that? It's... a tiny airplane? The fuck? Kate looks awful. "What is it?" asks Jack. She shakes her head and tries to walk away. He starts yelling that he wants the truth and finally she's all like, "It belonged to the man I loved! It belonged to the man I killed!" Say what? She weeps. Jack looks... sort of disgusted, actually.
So. Beach. Mercutio's kid plays with the Doomrador. Everyone hikes inland. They all stand at the jungle's edge like something's going to bite them. Which it probably will.
New Jungleton. Charlie sits down next to Rose. Rose is confident that her husband will be back, but "it's a fine line between denial and faith. And it's better on my side." Charlie bursts into tears. AWWWWW. Rose is all like, "I'm not the one that can help you." Oh no... is she... yeah... she is. She's gonna tell him to ask the Lord for help. Sigh. In real life, that can be good advice. In TV terms... I'm really afraid of where they're going to try to take this--either a cheap, quick-fix panacea that's never mentioned again, or Charlie turns into a religious zealot. Yay. So that's why I'm a little dismayed. But they pray. Whee.
Shannon sits next to Sayid, who is attractively sprawled, as he so often is, on the beach. Shannon tells him that "the guy from St. Tropez had a snotty kid" who watched some movie over and over. Apparently the movie was Finding Nemo, unless I'm just missing something, so she's fairly recently departed from St. Tropez, yes? Sayid's like, I care? "At the end, there was a song," Shannon says patiently. And therefore... the completely unrelated French notes are song lyrics. What? Okay. So what's the song? She starts to sing in lovely, flawless French. Okay, that doesn't help, Shannon. Give us a title or something. Oh, and Boone watches creepily from afar.
Shannon continues singing on the soundtrack. Kate stares at her tiny toy airplane by the fire. Woe. The end.
Previews: Boone's all like, STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER. Look, all I'm gonna say is that at least half of the people I've talked to--we all thought Shannon and Boone were a couple in the first episode. A bitchy, whiny, unhappy couple, but... yeah. It's a little Flowers in the Attic up in here. Oh, and Boone tells Locke that they should tell the others about their find from the end of the Clairenapping episode, and Locke's like, "Are you sure you've throught through this?" Boone says yes. So Locke conks him on the head. Okay! And then Shannon--I think it was Shannon--is running screaming, and something--we don't see what--reaches down and yanks her up out of the picture. Ooo.
Lost 1:12, "Whatever the Case May Be"
Sorry it took so long, guys--I got sucked into Alias, which I'd only seen one episode of before. Sigh.