Previously on: WHERE IS ETHAN? WHERE IS CLAIRE? Three weeks later: Yeah, we still don't know. But Boone and Locke sure having fun out in the jungle, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure the fanfic writers do. Also: Locke is magical. But you knew that.
Sunny beaches of Snickerbitchapan. Once again we open with a BIG EYE SHOT. It's Shannon's eye, but we find out that it's actually in Creepy Boone-o-Vision, because he's sulkily watching Sayid present Shannon with a thank-you gift: new shoes. Well, previously owned shoes from the wreckage that are new to Shannon, at least. They are both very cute about the whole thing. Boone fumes. Then Hurley pulls Boone aside: "Yo, Boone. Question." The question is, basically, where's the
Flashboone. He has his arm around some blonde and apparently they've finished playing tennis, and they're at the swankest country club in the history of ever. Like, I think even the canapes have valets and shit. (I don't even know what that means, y'all. Drixoral is my friend!) Then Boone gets the classic Domestic Abuse call: A tearful Snicker Bitch ("STOP IT!") needs him ("LEAVE ME ALONE!!") to come ("GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!!!") rescue her (SMASH!). Oh, P.S., she's in Sydney. Adds Shannon, hilariously: "Sydney, AUSTRALIA." Nah, man, I thought you were shacked up in Sydney, Wyoming for sure.
Beaches of 'Bitchapan. "STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER," growls Boone to Sayid, and Sayid just smiles at this kid with the funniest, most patient look, like, "Son, I've flicked grit out of my eyelash tougher than you." And then Locke comes up and says he's found "fresh tracks," supposedly relating to Claire, which is actually code for, "Let's go play in our treehouse! Whee!" So Boone glowers and says all menacingly, "See you later," and Sayid's like, "You know where to find me," and... for a minute there was a small bom-chicka. I knew I needed to get the meter fixed.
The jungles of Luxemboone. Boone is whining to Locke about Sayid "hitting on Shannon," oh, and people are starting to talk about Boone and Locke as well. Locke's just like, shpffff, whatever. They have far more important things to do, such as stare at an impenetrable metal hatch all day. And you know, that impenetrable metal hatch ain't gonna stare at itself, BOONE.
Jungles of Hurleguay. "So... Jack." "So, Hurley." The big guy is consulting Captain Doctor Hero (or is it Captain Hero Doctor?) Jack about a... gastrointestinal problem. What's Hurley been eating? Well... you think of a tropical fruit, and he's eating it. And this is not helping his stomach. (Jeez! Didn't any of y'all ever read Lord of the Flies? This is exactly what happened to the boys before they started hunting pigs.) Jack prescribes protein, which... DUH. Hurley points out that nobody's brought back any boar in, like, three episodes, and also, Jin has it in for Hurley and won't give him any fish: "He offered me something to eat after we... you know, got here." And when Hurley turned it down, Jin acted "like I soiled his family honor." Seriously, dude? You probably did. Respect the Korean mafia, yo. Hurley's been gathering some very choice leaves the whole time, and Jack's like, "You're not gonna eat those, are you?" "Dude? These aren't for eating." And Hurley excuses himself to go to the little boys' tree. (I can't remember who said that last week about Sawyer, but they should totally get credit for "the little boys' tree," because that's frickin' hilarious.)
Jungles of Katebabwe, because we're all about the jungle this week. Kate is foraging and sniffs something, I can't tell what. Looks like fruit. Jack's watching her oh-so-stealthily, and Kate's like, "I can SEE YOU." She's gathering passion fruit seeds for Sun, who's set up a nice little garden out in the wilderness. Awww. Also, Jack and Kate are sort of tentatively flirting, which is interesting after last week's episode. I guess Jack's totally over the "I KILLED THE MAN I LOVED!!" thing. They discuss the whole "boar possibly running out, and if it is, maybe Locke's hunting boar for himself and the rest of us can go to hell" thing. Also, occasionally they address Sun in very loud English even though they don't know she can speak it, because that will make her understand.
Jungles of Luxemboone. Locke is mixing stuff in a bowl "for later." What I find interesting, having seen the whole episode now, is that he's mixing this before Boone goes on his big Shannon spiel. Anyway. The metal hatch is hopeless--there's a little glass porthole that won't break, and the door is sealed shut, and also, it's, oh, METAL. "Why are we here?" whines Boone. Locke invokes Ludovico Buonarotti in an accent that makes La Carlotta cringe (and that's saying something, y'all), and tells Boone a story about how Ludovico beat his son Michelangelo so that he wouldn't work with his hands, or something, so Michelangelo learned to stare at giant marble blocks for months and sculpt in his head. I think. Boone expresses the hope that they will not be staring at this hatch for four months. Locke is all like, yeah? Watch me. Boone: UH.
Flashboone. He arrives at Snicker Bitch's place and some Aussie bruiser answers the door. Shannon comes out in a cute shiny top that you see on pretty much half the girls at any club on any given night, and says, "What are you doing here?" The weird thing is that the house looks exactly like Charlie's brother's and Claire's psychic's. Do they all live on the same street? Anyway. She's acting like she has no idea what he's talking about, and about the time he starts wondering if she has some poor, domestically-abused twin out there somewhere, she runs her fingers through her hair and reveals a nice dark bruise at her hairline. "It's not a good time," she says. "Please." He leaves, but you know he's coming back.
Hurleguay. Hurley tracks Jin down, homemade fishing spear in hand, and talks at him like that's suddenly going to make him understand. Basically, Hurley wants to know where the fish are. Jin laughs at him and says something in Korean right back at him as if Hurley is going to understand. "You said something mean, didn't you?" Heh.
Luxemboone. "We're going to have to tell them" about the hatch, says Boone. "They're not ready," says Locke. Not ready for what? The earthshaking revelation that there's a useless piece of metal out in the woods? I think they can handle it, guys. "I gotta tell Shannon!" says Boone, because he is so whipped. "Why do you care about her so much?" asks Locke. Now, the proper response to this question is, "Because SHE'S MY SISTER, FOOL," but Boone blurts out, "She's SMART and she's SPECIAL!" O! Kay! "Look, she can keep a secret," says Boone, and boy howdy can she, we're going to find out. "I gotta get her off my back!" The Double Entendres of Foreshadowing do a little chicka-bom. "Are you sure you wanna do this?" says Locke. "You sure you've thought through the ramifications?" And before Boone can say, "I don't know, what the hell kind of 'ramifications' are we talking about here, Creepy McVaguethreat?," Locke clocks him with the butt of a knife.
Five minutes later: Boone wakes up tied up all weird--one arm in front and one in back. He shouts, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Or, you know, the PG-13 TV version of that. As one does. Locke smears some of his fruit goop on the back of his bleeding head--because, you know, fruit goop has so many antiseptic qualities. The FDA is thisclose to approving it for non-creepy, non-island use--and declares that he's leaving Boone there, and Boone will be able to get himself out once he's "properly motivated." And then he throws a knife at Boone's knees, and I totally shrieked at this point, because I am a puss.
Flashboone. We discover that Boone's last name is Carlisle... but Shannon's (as previously revealed) is Rutherford, which means that they're step-siblings. "Mr. Carlisle" wants to file a complaint on Bruiser with the police, but he has no physical evidence and no official complaint from Shannon. At that moment, two cops drag a yelling Sawyer (!) through the station ("Why is it that you don't want to hear MY SIDE of the story?!"), and the police guy says, "Now, if that were her mate, I could help you." Hee! And then we get down to the name discrepancy, and there's some weird business about Shannon being married but then not, and I can't tell if she got a divorce/annulment or Boone was just talking out of his ass and had to confess that they're step-sibs. The cop is very careful to say, "So. Not. A BLOOD. RELATION." Aww, y'all! If you're going to get into writing the incest, go hard or go home, okay? None of this "not actually squicking all of North America out and getting all our advertising pulled," jeez! Anyway. Boone invokes his mother's name, Sabrina Carlisle, as she is (you will recall) "the Martha Stewart of weddings," and Boone is the COO of the wedding clothing department. The cop deadpans something along the lines of, "My wife's got a great dress, if you want it. Two thousand dollars, only used once." I kinda dig this guy. Anyway: nothing he can do.
Still in the Flashboone. He goes up to Bruiser and says, "Look, I'm not gonna waste your time. You'll be the third guy I paid to leave. $25,000, U.S. dollars. Beat it." After initial replies of "Bugger off" and "I love her," Bruiser haggles for $50,000. Klassy.
The gardens of Sunisia. Kate is chatting merrily away to Sun, despite the fact that she believes that Sun can't understand her. But then again, how else are we supposed to learn that Kate was on her way to Bali, where she was looking forward to "exploring the island"? And that "somehow" she ended up on a flight to LA, and proceeded to get more island that anyone could ever want? "Talk about being careful what you wish for," she says, and Sun kind of goes Heh. And then Kate's like OMG YOU UNDERSTOOD ME! YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? Sun looks terrified: "Please. Don't tell anyone."
The fisheries of Jinmark. Yeah, I'm sure the country thing is getting twee, but you know? It's my recap, and everywhere on the island looks the same, so stuff it. Jin is fishing with a net, and Hurley? Well, Hurley's... "DAMMIT! FINE! KEEP YOUR DAMN FISH! I'M OUT OF HERE!" And then Hurley steps on a sea urchin and starts wailing: "AHHHH! I STEPPED ON A DAMN URCHIN! YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU UNDERSTAND INFECTION? AMPUTATION!" And then we have the classic comedy routine "You're Gonna Have to Pee on Me," as previously seen on Friends and other fine television programs. This version, however, raises the stakes by adding a language barrier and several crotchward gesticulations, although apparently "NO!" is still "NO!" in Korean: "YOU GOTTA PEE ON ME!" NO!" "PEE ON IT!" "NOOO!"
The jungles of Sayidistan. Locke strolls up to find Sayid making a compass with a magnet and needle. Hey, I remember not being able to do that in Brownies. Good times. "Boone thought I should take the afternoon off," says Locke, to which Sayid replies, "Boone...? Is hunting?" HA. "Think he'll catch anything?" "Nope," Locke says placidly. What's Sayid doing? "Orienteering." He's trying to follow Crazy Rousseau's maps, but to no avail. Locke notices the homemade magnet: "I haven't seen one of those since I was a weebalo." Sayid's like, "A whatthefuck? What does a weebalo do?" I dunno, wobbalo but never fall downalo? It actually seems to be a step between Cub Scout and Eagle Scout, or some kind of scout, but even Wikipedia doesn't know what it is. I'm sure if I heard Locke wrong that y'all will correct me. Anyway, Locke gives Sayid his compass, and Sayid's like, don't you need that? "Not anymore." Because Locke is magical, remember?
Luxemboone. Boone's been trying to reach the knife but can't because of the way his arms are tied. He's just sort of kneeling there yelling "Help! Help me!," until he hears the expert shriek of his (step) sister: "SOMEBODY HELP MEEEE! BOONE! I'M TIED UP!" And then the scary monster noise starts up and it sounds like a bunch of elephants driving a Sherman tank, and Shannon gets her shriek on offscreen in an effort to win the championship back from Kate and Claire. Boone stretches and pants and groans and finally gets the knife--because he loves her, see! She motivates him! Creepily!--and goes all he-man and bounds through the jungle and finds Shannon tied to a tree like a low-rent Perils of Pauline ("We couldn't really afford a speeding train. We figured we'd just tie Pauline to a tree and eventually something would get her. Hungry squirrels? Large mosquitoes? Maybe exposure...?") And then the invisible mechasaurs rumble closer and Our Heroes run like hell and hide in a bamboo thicket. Boone crouches over Shannon protectively. Of course he does. And then SOMETHING THAT CASTS A SHADOW APPROACHES. SOMEBODY GET A SCREEN CAP OF THAT SHADOW. (You know what the shadow kind of reminds me of? Did y'all ever have Strawberry Shortcake dolls? And there was this little purple monster, and you could press him in the sand and make a big "footprint" with his feet and tail? And he was called Fig Boot? Yeah. The shadow is kinda shaped like Fig Boot. I still have mine. Good. Times.) Anyway, there's all this heavy breathing ("But what about the mechasaur?" Bah-dump ching!), scary noises, and... a weird light. All the birds suddenly up and fly away, and Shannon hides her face in Boone's sweaty chest. Chicka-bom-bom. And then something starts ramming the bamboo, so of course we cut to a commercial.
The Sayidistani-Jackstralian Border. Sayid asks Jack which way north is, which Jack figures out by looking at the sun. Except that Locke's compass has north being wayyyyy over from that. "What are you saying?" says Jack. "I'm saying that
Luxemboone. Boone and Shannon finally decide that it's safe to make a run for it, and Shannon wants to know what the hell Boone did to Locke. "Why would he tie us up? Because he was bored?" Hey, baby, don't knock it till you've tried it. Boone shuts her down with a terse "Let's get back to camp."
Flashboone. Boone's all like, "Pack your shit, we're on the next plane, move it or lose it." Aaaaaand Bruiser is still there. Oops. "We can go!" he insists. "She won't," says Bruiser. "You don't get this, do you? Woss wot." Well, I don't know that I get "woss wot" either,* but the upside is that Bruiser is in on it, and Shannon has faked abusive relationships to get money out of Boone, because Sabrina Carlisle "screwed [Shannon's] daddy over after he died." I think this is what he said, although it would make more sense to say that she screwed her stepdaughter over (out of money?), because I'm pretty sure Mr. Rutherford was already gone to The Big Screw and beyond caring, really. Oh, and then a fistfight breaks out.
The shining seas of Locke Lomond. Jack approaches a peaceful Locke staring at the sea. "It's been a while since we've talked," says Jack, smiling. I don't know why, but for some reason everyone seems to be flirting with Locke this week. I couldn't tell you where I'm getting this from, unless it's the cold medicine (WOOOOOO!). Jack wants to know where Boone is, because he and Locke have been "attached at the hip all week" (bom-chicka-chicka). Locke earns my undying affection by replying, "Well, lemme check. [Glances down at hip.] Nope, no Boone." He adds that he's afraid the boar are smart and migrating and that man is the most dangerous predator at all. We should probably write that last part down for later.
Gardens of Sunisia. Kate and Sun are doing the talk-and-walk, which is cool. I think Kate needs a girlfriend to dish with. Sun tells her that Mercutio knows she can speak English, but Jin doesn't. Kate swears that she can keep a secret. Sun adds that "It's complicated... I can't tell him because I love him. Have you never lied to a man you love?" Oh, Sun. Pack a lunch; you're going to be here a while.
Hurleguay. Still in agony, Hurley watches Jin prepare... something. I still don't quite know what. (Remember, I only see the show once before I start writing.) "Hey, do you speak English? 'Cause there's a rumor you speak English. [Pause.] HEY, YOUR WIFE'S HOT!" Jin just sort of smiles and keeps mixing. Yeah, I think we've confirmed Eat Man Button Woman has no clue. So Jin brings over something sea urchin-related, going by what Hurley says in response ("Oh, I gotta eat the sea urchin before you gimme a fish, huh?"), but it seems to be some kind of "hair of the dog that bit you" cure. So Hurley bolts it, and then hworfs all over the sand. Nice.
The beaches of Charlie Arabia. Jack gives Charlie some aspirin and then helps him with some driftwood. Charlie hasn't been around the caves lately, so Jack wants to know how he's doing. "How'm I doing? With week 2 of heroin of withdrawal? Or with Claire abducted by the man who tried to kill me?" "Well," says Jack, "I gave you the aspirin for the heroin withdrawal." Nice to see that they didn't totally drop that subplot, by the way. And then they're talking about Locke, and Charlie opines that "Odds are, he killed his workmates the day his mum forgot to put a cookie in his lunch tin. And then he saved my life. If there's one person I'd trust in to save us all... it'd be John Locke." Somewhere, a dead philosopher is touched.
Bosnia-Mercutiovina. Walt and the Doomrador are frolicking. Meanwhile, Mercutio is looking into some Important Box of Personal Significance. They ought to keep Sawyer's letter and Kate's airplane in there, I tell you what. Anyway, he's found his own bag, and Hurley is happy for him, and is more than happy to hand over the papaya he's about to slice up, because I think the little boys' tree is already occupied. Then Jin shows up and brings Hurley a fish--an already-cleaned fish. So... Jin respects him now, or something? I mean, I love Hurley, but... "YOU GOTTA PEE ON IT!" wasn't exactly his most inspiring moment.
Jack brings Kate some guava seeds for the garden, and they flirt. Again.
Luxemboone. Snicker Bitch and Boone-Chicka-Wa-Wa are trudging through the rapidly darkening jungle and bitching at each other. Not only does Shannon doubt that he knows where he's going, but she accuses him of 1) not hunting and 2) being a terrible liar. Boone insists that Locke "is the only one here who has a clue what's going on," and she's like, "What does that MEAN? HE TIED US UP!" Yeah, well, they found something. A piece of metal. A hatch. "Like a door?" spits Shannon. "THAT'S WHAT A HATCH IS, SHANNON." Hee! "I told him I wanted to tell you about it and that's when he did this to us." And then something leaps down at them and I screamed again and Shannon is snatched up and flung around a little and totally eaten by the mechasaur OH NOES. Boone is shouting at it and for her and DOES THIS MEAN HE SAW IT? WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE, BOONE? BOOOOOOONE!
And then there's a commercial for The Bachelorette, and this boy-band reject is all like, "She doesn't need a nice guy. She needs a lover and a warrior," and it took me a few minutes to get over the hilarity of that.
Back to the show. Boone runs around screaming for Shannon.
Flashboone. He's pressing a bag of ice to his face when Shannon arrives in a skimpy top. Apparently Bruiser ran off with the fifty grand and left Shannon high and dry. "So the player got played," snarks Boone. And then Shannon blows it all open: "I knew you would bring the money. Because you're in love with me. You brought the money because you're in love with me." Boone's comeback is basically, "Bitch, you trippin'." Shannon may also be drunk. "I've always known it," she insists. And then she starts nibbling on his ear and he tries to protest and finally he just gives in and you can tell by the look on his face that, yeah, he's wanted her bad. And apparently she wants him bad enough to come out and do something about it, so... in conclusion, non-incestuous incest. Bom-chicka-wow-wow unf unf unf.
Fifteen minutes later: Boone is brooding shirtless on the edge of the bed. Shannon says they'll just tell Sabrina Carlisle that he rescued her, again, and they totally did not do the sex, why do you ask, and everything will go back to normal. "Like it's all up to you," bitters Boone. Shannon's like, "Oh, get dressed, you slut."
Back to the present: "SHANNON! SHANNON! SHAAAAANNNNNNNNONNNNNNNN!" Finally Boone finds a mess of blood in a creek and there's Snicker Bitch lying on the rocks, chewed up but good. He holds her face and cries. She's totally dead. Barber's Adagio for (Not Actually) Inbreeding plays woefully.
Night, Cavetown-on-Dead Pool. Boone makes it back to camp, where Locke is calmly sitting by the fire. Ohhhhh no. Boone charges him with the knife and jumps on him and ends up on top of Locke in the Patented Kate-Sawyer Clinch, because I guess someone had to do it this week. Boone's all like, "YOU KILLED MY NOT-SISTER SHE'S DEAD WE'LL NEVER DO THE FREAKNASTY AGAIN I KEEEEEEEL YOUUUUUUU!" And then Locke points out, very calmly, "If she's dead, why is there no blood on you?" And Boone's like, "Jigga whaaaaa?" And there's Shannon, flirting with Sayid by the little waterfall. Apparently the fruit goop was hallucinogenic, and Boone had to go on some kind of vision quest to understand that it's time to let go. You would think that this would actually make him cling to Shannon more tightly, but Locke asks, "How did you feel [when you thought she was dead]?," and instead of shouting, "HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I FELT?," Boone whispers, "I... I felt relieved. I felt relieved." Aw, Boone! That's no way to treat your sister-lover. So Locke tells him to follow him into the jungle, and after some hesitation and more sulking in the general direction of Sayid and Shannon, Boone follows.
I hope this is not the "major character death" they've been hinting at, because if so, it is CHEEEEEEEEEEATING.
Next week: It seems to be a Mercutio/Walt episode. Mercutio threatens to kill Locke if he ever gets near his kid again, and then he suggests to the castaways at large that they build a raft. Also, Charlie notices that Claire's diary is missing, and it turns out that Sawyer filched it, so Charlie punches Sawyer in his arm wound (hee!) and a fistfight breaks out. Again. Also, an OMGWTFPOLARBEAR menaces Walt.
Alias: Sydney puts on eight sexy outfits and kicks a lot of ass. Also? Apparently she is a Driveshaft fan, because "You All Everybody" is playing in the background at her house party.
*I know that he's saying "What's what," and if I don't make that clear, that y'all will tell me. Abundantly. Bless.