Here's Pierce Brosnan--that's right, he was in Mrs. Doubtfire. I'd almost totally forgotten--that was just before his career renaissance. Brosnan: "He can make you laugh. He can make you cry. He can make you cry through your laughter and laugh through your tears!" And sometimes, you just cry at the badness of his more ill-advised movie choices. I'm just saying.
Oh, wow--I remember Popeye. That was the kind of ill-advised that only comes around once in a lifetime, y'all. Ah, Dead Poets Society. We used to watch that in English class in high school. Good times. Aww, The Fisher King! Cindy did the set for that movie. That's the one she was nominated for, too. Mrs. Doubtfire... you know, I never could get into Good Will Hunting. Never thought it was all that great... I really wanted to see Insomnia, though. Yet another movie I never got around to seeing. And I even sat through the Swedish original, too. Oh, dear. Patch Adams. Even Williams looks sort of deathly bored by it. And here's Mike Nichols for more ass-kissing. (What? That's what these lifetime achievement awards are.) Yes, Mike Nichols, we have already been over the Mork thing. Got it. And now we have a montage set to "Friend Like Me." Sigh.
All right, here he comes for the speech. It's 9:22 by my watch. Barbara Streisand once went for eight minutes. Let's clock it, shall we? "My Eengleesh ees not so good!" he says, and manages to use his statuette for a year-old Janet Jackson joke. The Pia Zadora slam is well-deserved, though. "Who are the people at the buffet? And they said, 'The Hollywood Foreign Press.'" Yeah... it's funny because it's true. Quick shot of The Governator. Prince is seated behind him. Prince looks reeeeeal happy about this, believe me. Now he's babbling about Gerard Depardieu. Jim Carrey agrees from his seat that putting "comedy--AND DANCE!" in one category is lame; the set is from "Star Trek: The Musical"; we have a bad Governator impression ("He's a true American..."); we meet his kids ("big fan of Hello Kitty"; "my son, the linguist; he's going to open up a syntax repair shop"); his kids try to die where they sit. Seriously, I want a medal for trying to transcribe this. For every one thing I've typed, I missed five others. ("As Freud said, 'If it's not one thing, it's your mother.'" I hear my stepfather downstairs guffaw. Heh.) Awwww, he dedicates it to Christopher Reeve and ends with the Hamlet quote about sweet angels singing him to his rest and... wow, that was off-kilter.
(Running time: Six minutes.)