So... apparently we get two more reruns before we get a new ep. Bitches.
Previously on: Claire and Charlie flirted sweetly. Sayid returned. Ethan swiped Claire. "Claire... All they wanted was Claire."
Cavetown-on-Dead Pool. Mercutio: "WALT!" We open with Eye of Walt, and Mercutio looking for its owner. Charlie, on the other hand, is looking for Claire's bags, which have disappeared from Cavetown. Captain Hero Dr. Jack comes through with firewood and can't help either of them. "Hey, man, didn't you listen to your dad when you were ten years old?" asks Mercutio. I'm expecting Jack to laugh in his face and go, "Hell no, man," but Jack just says, "Maybe I listened to mine a little too much." Way to make it all about you, Jack. Hurley emerges with news that he's set up a new golf tourney (prize: the last of the deodorant sticks. Apparently the razors and bikini wax are holding out just fine, however). Mercutio wanders off yelling for Walt. "He seems to hate being a dad," notes Hurley. Jack says something in Mercutio's favor. I forget what. Something about being a dad being hard work. "WAAALT!" "Nah, he hates it," sas Hurley.
Flashback. "This is definitely my baby's crib," enthuses Mercutio. His babymama is dressed all sharp and with pigtails. Mercutio--well, when the advance pics came out, people thought he was Rose. That's all I'm saying. Unfortunately, the crib is worth three months' rent. I keep waiting for
Babymama Mama de Walt to be like, "Bitch, an engagement ring is only two! And mine came from a CRACKERJACK BOX!," but it turns out that Mama de Walt won't marry Mercutio anyway. Mercutio is sooooo cute about the crib, though--so excited. Other things we learn: Mama de Walt is a lawyer and her last name is "Lloyd," which is also going to be Walt's last name, and "Walt" is for Mercutio's father.
The shores of Locke Lomond. Walt is eagerly learning how to throw knives just like Mr. Locke while Boone and Vincent the Doomrador watch. I have to say, Vincent is the livelier of the two. Walt's knife bounces off the tree, because HE'S TEN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, so Locke explains to Walt that he needs to use his "mind's eye" and "see it before you do it." Those of us who have had our suspicions about Walt (See a polar bear in a comic book? You got one. Need it to stop raining? No problem. Don't want to fly somewhere with your dad? AIIIEEEEE) are mentally going, Don't encourage him, dude. This time, Walt nails it... just as Mercutio shows up to call him "little man" and get all indignant that Locke "gave his boy a knife." "But you shoulda seen him--" "DON'T TELL ME WHAT I SHOULDA SEEN! BACK HOME I'D CALL THE POLICE ON A GUY LIKE YOU!" Mercutio? Breathe. Creepy O'Scar weirds me out as much as the next guy at times, but seriously? Y'all are living in the wild. He's teaching your kid to not die. YOU MUST CHILL. I'm not sure how what happens next actually happens, but apparently Mercutio is holding the knife or something, and Thug Life Boone trips out and jumps Mercutio and holds the knife to his throat. Mercutio punches him the fuck out. I put in application to become Mercutio's next babymama. "What are you, his attack dog?" Boone sulks prettily. Locke tells Mercutio in very significant tones that he treats Walt like an adult, and that Walt is different, and as long as they're on the island, Walt should be allowed to realize his potential, which means that he should be able to wish things into the cornfield in a matter of weeks, I'd say. Mercutio's verdict: "STAY AWAY FROM MY SON. AND ME."
Flashback. It's Baby Walt! Baby Walt is SO CUTE. Like, I think my womb just skipped a beat and everything. Unbeknownst to Baby Walt, Mercutio and Mama de Walt are having an impassioned discussion about whether MdW should move to Amsterdam for a lawative job and take Baby Walt with her. (You may notice a giant painting--actually, it kind of looks like chalk or pastels--leaning against the wall. It's of a giant head and there are squiggles inside and out indicating... I don't know. But given what we hear about Walt, I have to think it's significant.) Mercutio's totally against Walt going with her because He Wubs His Son (Awww), and even offers to go to counseling with Mama de Walt. And then from her face, he realizes: "Awww, man. You already took the job, didn't you?" Mama de Walt points out that Mercutio hasn't worked in months, aside from his art ("Construction gets slow in the winter! You know that!") and that they're not married, and that she's steadily employed and that Mercutio has no shot at getting custody of Walt. Mercutio looks very sad. Baby Walt burbles innocently. Woe.
Cavetown-on-Dead Pool. Mercutio watches Walt sleep; I know he's ten, but he doesn't look much older here than Baby Walt (Awww). Sun asks Mercutio if he (Mercutio) is all right. Soak it up, because this is the only time you'll see her this episode. "I just don't know how to talk to him, to let him know I'm on his side. I missed his whole childhood," frets Mercutio. "This can't happen." "What?" asks Sun. "He can't grow up here. He can't grow up in this place."
The next morning. Sayid has his maps and equations all spread out to show Jack (with assistance from the lovely Snicker Bitch, who mentions "the fish song." Jack: "What?"). Sayid shows how you can layer the maps and line up these triangles and you get the coordinates of--perhaps--a location on the island. He thinks the signal transmitter may be there, which of course they would want to use to break Crazy Rousseau's French message and transmit their own SOS. Mercutio overhears all this and bitters that he's tired of building water filters and playing golf: "We gotta get outta here." Snicker Bitch points out that none of them exactly want to be there. (I don't know, man--Shannon's tanorexia probably enjoys it.) What's Mercutio's suggestion, then? "We build a raft." Sayid: "A rrrrrrahft." "Don't say it like that, man! No one's coming for us!" Mercutio points out that the plane seats float and they've got plenty of trees to build with. "I get really seasick," smarms Snicker Bitch. "Great. Stay here. I'm doing this. My son and I are leaving," announces Mercutio, and flounces off.
The peaceful land of El Waltador. Walt is reading his Spanish comic book--I think I saw someone kind of Flash Gordonesque in there. He tries to read some of it aloud, and what I heard was, Coronado sepa que something something something un oso polar. OMGWTFPOLARBEAR! Enter Mercutio: "I need your help, Walt." Walt's "busy" reading his comic book, and they almost bond over the artwork until Mercutio starts babbling about perspective and Walt tunes out, so he goes back to the needing of the help, which makes Walt sulky.
Flashback. "Let me talk to him. I just want him to hear my voice." Mama de Walt (in Amsterdam) points out that Walt is still only little, but Mercutio is standing outside, at night, at a payphone calling her long distance just to talk to his son. (AWWWW.) Then Mama de Walt asks to call him back, and you here, sotto voce, "Shhhh, it's [Mercutio]." Mercutio's all like, WHAT THE HELL? Mama de Walt has been seeing "Brian," the guy who hired her. (Man, this show just really doesn't like Brians--Bryan was Bruiser's name last week.) Mercutio yells that he's coming over there. TO AMSTERDAM. Mama de Walt protests, they're in love, it's not like that, whatever, and Mercutio's like, "I'M NOT COMING FOR YOU! I'M COMING FOR WALT!" Mercutio hangs up, tears across the street, and--is promptly nailed by a car. That was me you heard shrieking, by the way. Man, when will you people ever learn? Always, always look before you cross the street on a J.J. Abrams show, y'all.
Commercials. The Aviator. Good movie. Probably going to win Best Picture. Not the greatest movie ever, but still pretty good. Go see it. Also? LaToya Jackson looks human now (I KNOW!).
The beaches of Charlie Arabia. "These are Claire's things, who brought them here?" "I did," says Kate, "because the plot required me to." "Where's Claire's diary? Someone's taken it," says Charlie, freaking out. Why are YOU looking for it, Charlie? That's what I want to know.
War-torn Bosnia-Mercutiovina. Walt and Mercutio are sorting through a giant pile of plane debris looking for raft frame material. "Am I being punished?" "You think workin' with your old man is punishment?" Okay, Mercutio? Speaking as someone who had to do a lot of yard work with her dad? The answer to that question is always "yes." "This is us taking control of our destiny." Yeah, I'd rather take control of a nice patch of shade, myself.
Sawyerland. Kate and Charlie poke around, but Sawyer is nowhere in sight. "I could just go inside..." mutters Charlie, poking around the Capitol Tent of Sawyerland. "Trick or treat!" calls Sawyer from, oh, about fifteen feet behind them, where he's been sitting in plain sight the whole time. Good job, guys. They demand Claire's diary, and after some perfunctory banter about how, if something goes missing, oh, Sawyer must have it (that's because, nine times out of ten, you do, fool), Sawyer reveals that he does, in fact, have Claire's diary (I told you, man). And then he tortures Charlie by pretending to read from it--something to the effect of, "Dear Diary: I wish that washed-up popstar would stop stalking me." Charlie punches Sawyer in the arm wound. Hee! Sawyer punches Charlie back, but Charlie gets back up and gives him the stink-eye with admirable aplomb: "YOU HIT LIKE A PONCE." I didn't catch what happened to the diary at this point, but apparently Kate gets it back.
War-torn Bosnia-Mercutiovina. Walt sees Locke and Boone hiking back to camp and ducks away, yelling that he's gonna go get some water. Mercutio: "Could you bring me some? Please? PLEASE? Please and thank you! Gotta work on that..." Awww. He tries so hard, y'all.
Cavetown-on-Dead Pool, the Luxemboone-Snickerbitchapan border. Shannon: "You guys just gonna keep coming back without food?" Boone: "Uh huh." "Could you be acting any weirder?" "Nuh uh." Okay, actually Boone says something about Shannon being a practicing bulimic since junior high, and therefore she should appreciate the lack of food. No, no, no, Boone! You've got it all wrong! You can't be a bulimic unless you've got something to throw up in the first place! Jeez. Snicker Bitch says that Mercutio is building a raft: "I thought I would help him. Help me. There will be slightly incestuous sex afterwards." Boone thinks for a moment. "No thanks." OH SNAP. Somebody get me a jacket, it's a little bit chilly up in he-ah. (Wow, I was just possessed by the early '90s there for a moment. Sorry about that.)
On the other end of Cavetown, Locke is telling Walt, "Your father doesn't want us spending time together." "He's not the boss of me," declares Walt. "But he's your father, and you should show him respect. I'm serious. You're not to come here anymore," says Locke. Walt looks confused that Locke isn't helping him be a smartmouth little brat, and then Mercutio shows up, finds them together, and goes batshit. Locke thinks fast: "I was going to send him to take this... uh... this pencil to you. Yes. This pencil. As a peace offering...?" "I catch you with my son again, I'll kill you," grits Mercutio. Damn, Mercutio, it's Creepy O'Scar, not Michael Freakin' Jackson. Chill. But Locke take his stuff and gracefully heads on out, while the rest of the castaways look away awkwardly. "You're a JERK!" shouts Walt. "You never cared about me!" Mercutio counters that "it's complicated." Yeah, kids always love that line. "You're not my father!" Yeah, well, except for the part where he totally is, kid. "You wanna hate me?" shouts Mercutio. "Fine! But you will LISTEN TO ME!" Then he pulls the comic book out of his pocket and throws it in the fire to burn. OMGWTFPOLARBEAR! "NOW. YOU GET OVER HERE. AND YOU STAY THERE. NOWWWWWW." Mercutio shoves Walt over towards the little drinking waterfall. Boone edges away from the crazy. The camera lingers on the burning POLAR BEAR OMGWTFing.
Flashback. Mercutio is in a wheelchair, his leg in a cast, sketching... a guy wrapped in bandages from head to toe, with a birthday cake on his lap. That's... uh... charming. "That's really wonderful!" says a passing nurse. "It's for my son. He'll be two. He lives in Amsterdam with his mom." The nurse has to ask if he gets to visit him, but of course he doesn't. Mercutio is trying to think of something to write in the homemade card, so the nurse suggests the old "what's black and white and re[a]d all over" joke. "A newspaper, yeah," says Mercutio dismissively. "No! A penguin with a sunburn!" "Oh, he'll get a kick out of that." Dude? He's two. I really don't think he's going to care either way.
Enter Mama de Walt, whose name is revealed to be Susan. She hunted Mercutio down after not hearing from him in two months. Damn. Did she bring Walt? No, of course not. But she does wheel Mercutio around the hospital halls for a while. He's going to need a year of physical therapy (damn!), which Susan says she wants to pay for. Mercutio is clever enough to ask what this is all about. Well, she and Brian are getting (her voice breaks) ma-arried. They're moving, the three of them, to Italy, and Brian wants to adopt Walt. Mercutio puts on the brakes. Literally, the wheelchair brakes. "You're kidding me, right?" "Why are you holding on?" asks Susan. "For you or for him?" Man, this is the dumbest question since "How did you feel when you thought your sister was dead?" Dude? THIS IS HIS KID. Mercutio gives her the look of shock and disgust that she deserves.
Hurley ambles over to where Mercutio is stewing, head in hands, over his flashbacks. "Uh, dude? Your kid's gone." Thanks, Hurley. "He just grabbed the dog and took off." "I know where he's gone," growls Mercutio.
Commercials. Did you notice Jason Isaacs in the Elektra commercial? Yeah. I hear he has a stealth cameo at the beginning, or something. FYI.
Locke Lomond. Locke is sharpening his knife when Mercutio barrels through the jungle: "LOCKE! Where the hell is he! Don't lie to me!" Locke's all like, "He's not here. I told him to respect your wishes." Thug Life Boone is all like, "Yo, what up dawg, you bettah step off! Respect!" and Mercutio is like, "Son, I will break. you." Thug Life Boone retreats like a good little henchman.
Cavetown-on-Dead Pool. Kate has apparently helped Charlie drag Claire's bags back to the caves. Charlie's all like, "You really didn't have to," and Kate's like, "Well, you know, I was the one who dragged them all down to the beach for no conceivable reason, so... you know, anytime. You okay?" Charlie: "Yeah... It's weird. I barely knew--know--her. Claire. She's been missing over a week. Every day she's gone it's like bits of me are crumbling...or something." The Good Ship Charlie Loves Babymama is sighted on the horizon, full steam ahead. "I think it's right that you should keep her stuff safe, till she gets back," Kate says kindly. Charlie looks comforted. Then Kate leaves, and he pulls the diary (which has apparently been retrieved from Sawyer without my noticing it) out of Claire's bag and opens it. And then he puts it down. And then he picks it up. And then he puts it down. And then he picks it up. And then he chews on it to keep himself from reading it. And then he puts it down three feet away. And then he picks it up. And then he puts it in the bag and moves the bag away and bounces off in a desperate bid to control himself. Bless.
The Doomrador Peninsula. Walt is out walking Vincent in the jungle, as one does. They start hearing weird noises (Vincent: "Urrrururrrr!") and something that sounds like crashing foliage and possibly footsteps. Vincent starts barking and freaking out, and then he slips his leash and runs off, so of course Walt runs after him--but not before dropping the leash.
Flashwalt. In Sydney, Walt needs help with his homework, but Brian and Susan are too busy talking law to bother. Also, Susan doesn't feel so good. Walt's just talking to himself, blah blah blah, nobody's paying attention, and he starts yelling, "Brian! Hey Brian! Look! Look! YOU'RE NOT LOOKING!" Suddenly a bird crashes onto their deck, stone dead. What did Walt want Brian to look at? A bird in his book. WAH. Brian is Weirded. Out.
The Doomrador Peninsula. "Vincent!" Walt is running after the dog when suddenly he hears violently growly sounds. Oh, piss. Commercials (of course).
Flashback. Knock knock! It's Brian. "Michael Dawson?" "Yeah?" "I'm Brian Porter." Mercutio's like, "So?" "Can I come in?" "Does Susan know you're here?" You know, considering they live in SYDNEY, I'm thinking this is not really a secret visit, Mercutio. Indeed, Brian replies that Susan DIED YESTERDAY. Mercutio lets the man in, finally. It turns out that Mama de Walt had "a blood disorder" and was only sick for about a week. Walt is at home with the nanny and is fine... considering. Mercutio's all upset that he's home basically alone after his mother has died, and Brian's like, "Yeah, about that. She wanted you to have custody." "I HAVEN'T HAD HIM IN NINE YEARS!" shouts Mercutio. "I was honest with her from the beginning," cries Brian, "but she wouldn't hear it! I didn't want to be a father! I don't know how!" OH MY GOD, MAMA DE WALT, YOU BITCH. YOUR PIGTAILS FOOLED ME BUT NOW I KNOW THE TRUTH. "YOU ADOPTED HIM!" shouts Mercutio. "She wanted that! Look--these are two tickets, Sydney to New York..." Now Mercutio realizes that Susan didn't give a good goddamn about him getting custody of Walt, and Brian just wants to pawn the boy off on his real father. "YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU'RE THE ONLY FATHER HE KNOWS!" "There's something about him!" cries Brian. "THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" "Sometimes when he's around," wibbles Brian, "...things happen. He's... different somehow." Mercutio wears the appropriate expression of disgust, indignation, and possible fear.
The Locke Lomond-Mercutiovina Alliance. Lock and Mercutio find the dropped leash and hear Walt shrieking in the distance.
Flashback, Sydney. The nanny gives Mercutio "some of Susan's effects" and "...something else." It's that box Mercutio was looking at near the end of the last episode. THE box. "Something I think Walt should have." He opens it and there are papers inside. I don't know about you, but it was at this moment that I said, "Oh my God, that bitch didn't give Walt any of the cards or letters." Slowly, anxiously, Mercutio edges down the hall of the big, bright mansion towards where his son is.
Cape Fear, El Waltador. "DAD! HELP!" Mercutio comes running to find a fearsome roaring CGI polar bear tearing at one of those thickets, you know, the little mini tree clusters like the one that Boone and Shannon hid inside last week. Mercutio's all like, "HEY WA--" before Locke claps a hand over his mouth, like, why don't you just ring a dinner bell, fool? Locke gestures up a nearby tree, so they climb. Walt weeps for his father.
Flashback. Walt and Vincent are sitting out by this giant, totally sweet pool. "Hey, Walt." Walt: "Who are you?" Ohhhhhhh no. "I'm... uh... I'm your father. Walt gives him this priceless look of disgust, like he'd said, "Eat my boogers." Mercutio: "I want you to know... I can't explain how sorry I am about your mom. You should know that we loved each other very much when we had you." Well, knowing Mama de Walt, I doubt that some how, but it's the thought that counts. "Where's Brian?" God, poor Mercutio. He explains: "Brian's not here. I've come to bring you home with me." Walt: "I don't wanna go anywhere with you." And now we find out why Mercutio is a saint: "I know this is hard to understand, all of this... see... Brian... loves you very much. But it's not his choice. It's mine. I'm your legal guardian. It's not like he's gonna disappear from your life. He'll write, call, visit whenever he can. You'll still have your dog." "But... Vincent isn't mine. He's Brian's." Mercutio says, "Brian said you could have him," like, God, how desperate was this guy to get away from this kid? (ETA: General consensus in the comments seems to be that Brian had no idea and Mercutio just took the dog to spite him. Go Mercutio!)
Cape Fear, El Waltador. "Dad!" "Hey Walt!" "DAAAAD!" "Hang on, Walt!" Jesus, Mercutio and Locke are tightrope-walking over these branches to get to Walt's tree. Mercutio almost falls, but Locke grabs him. Walt cries (Awwww!). "I'm coming, man!" Locke throws the knife to Mercutio, who throws it to Walt: "If he comes near you... USE IT." And indeed, Walt stabs the OMGWTFPOLARBEAR yea verily. Mercutio jumps down, grabs Walt, and wraps a vine-root-type ropy thing around him. "Whatever you do, hold onto this! I'll be right behind you!" And then he hoists Walt up, and Locke starts pulling. The polar bear, apparently still bitter that its mate died in the pilot ("HE WAS GONNA BE A STAAAR!"), keeps charging the trees to get to Mercutio.
Commercials. Alias. Injecting something into Michael Vartan's eye NO NO NO EYE THING EYE THING NO!
Same bear time, same bear place. And here I was totally convinced that Mercutio was going to bite it, because Harold Perrineau was, when the show started, one of the best-known cast members, and, quite frankly, this wouldn't be the first time I'd watched him get eaten by a bear. But he buries that knife pretty deep into the OMGWTFPB, who lumbers off yowling in pain. Upon his escape, Mercutio hugs the hell out of Walt, who is sorry! so sorry! "It's okay! We're okay!" And then Walt adds that Vincent has run off again, but Locke assures him that Vincent found his way back once, and he can do it again. Well, actually, Locke called him with a jungle-improvised dog whistle, but, you know, same diff. Mercutio nods. Locke nods. Locke smiles. It's all very manful.
The home fires of Mercutiovina. "Hey, I got a present for you. Said you like to look at pictures." And Mercutio hands Walt the box with "every card, every letter I sent you." "You wrote me?" says Walt wonderingly. "Mmm-hmm." "I never saw these. Did my mom have these? Why didn't she give 'em to me?" Saint Mercutio says, "But she didn't throw them away, either, which means that somewhere inside she knew you should have them." They look at all the things Mercutio drew for Walt, such as the Sunburned Second Birthday Penguin. "That's dumb," says Walt. "Yeah, I know." They laugh. AWWWWW.
Charlie Arabia. Charlie is sitting by another fire, reading Claire's diary and twirling his hair. No, really. He smiles as he reads, I realized I really like Charlie.... Charlie makes me feel safe. The Good Ship Charlie Loves Babymama steams into port to be greeted by cheering crowds. Then he looks up, startled. "You guys! You have to hear this!" he tells Jack and Sayid ("You're reading Claire's diary?" "I know, I'm scum..."). Apparently Claire was having weird dreams about a black rock she couldn't get away from--the black rock that Sayid mentioned, which was the black rock that Crazy Rousseau mentioned on the transmission and in her crazy, crazy notes. Sayid surmises that maybe this is the location marked on the map--maybe this is where Claire was taken.
Locke and Thug Life Boone are out whistling for Vincent with the Jungle-Improvised Dog Whistle, but Boone's being all Mr. Crankypants about it not working. And then they hear something. "Vincent? Vincent, is that you?" whispers Boone. I love it when they do that, man. Particularly to Vincent, because it's not like Vincent's gonna call back, "Yeah, it's totally me, dude. Woof." Locke pulls out one of his many knives and has it tensed to throw and or stab and I was totally waiting for him to accidentally stabnate some perfectly innocent castmate when who should stumble out? CLAIRE. And Claire? Looks like hell.
Previews: Hurley finds something astonishing that must have fallen from the plane. Again. Sayid is caught in a snare. Again. Crazy Rousseau--HEY, WE ALREADY SAW THIS ONE! Bitches.
Lost 1:14, "Special"
So... apparently we get two more reruns before we get a new ep. Bitches.