Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones

Five more rants

For jonnorthwood: Might I request, then, a rant on the evils of allowing children in movie theatres?

Ah, a request close to my heart. Dear Parents: If you DARE take a two-year-old to any movie rated higher than PG and I happen to be there, I will introduce you to a brave new world of PAIN. It's bad enough that I ended up seeing King Arthur with my mother, but it is absolutely INSUPPORTABLE that I was already sitting next to her during the oh-so-not-PG-13 sex scene and then we both hear from the front of theater, clear as day, "Momma, why is he hurting her?" NO NO NO. NOOOOOOOOOOO. And if you bring your blessed sprog to Phantom of the Opera and I happen to be there, I will SLAY. YOU. You don't even want to know the things I heard come out of the mouth of a wee innocent child--again, in the front row! what is with the front row?!--all throughout that movie. Okay, so you do want to know. Let's just say that it started off with, "Momma, where is he taking her? Momma, why is he touching her? Does she like that, Momma?" and it just went wayyyyyy the fuck downhill from there.

For shoiryu: Rant for me about THOSE DAMMED DIRTY FURRIES.

"Hi, I'm a damned dirty furry. No, not one of those furries who just likes to draw anthropomorphic animals. Or even anthropomorphic animals doing the freaknasty. Or who think they themselves are or were in a previous life anthropomorphic animals (freaknasty optional but preferred). No, I'm one of those furries who gets his jollies inside a mascot fursuit. I particularly freaked Cleo out at that basketball game where I kept rubbing up against people surreptitiously in a panther suit. Or maybe I was just trying to push through the crowd to get back to my post before the end of halftime. She's not sure. All she knows is that it freaked her out because she'd just read that infamous Vanity Fair article, and she's pretty sure that I went home afterwards and opened the secret hole in the front of my fursuit and proceeded to violate several stuffed animals. Don't lie, you know Wish Bear was asking for it with that pretty mouth of his."

For telesillaIf you still have a rant in you, could you share your feelings on fangirls who dis their favorite actors' female co-stars?

"Hi! I'm a fangirl! Like most of you, I love a lot of different movies, but right now I'm all up in Phantom of the Opera, so I have to say: Isn't Emmy Rossum just the most vapid talentless WHORE of all time? I mean, look at the way she sluts around in that movie in all those corsets all over my boyfriend Gerard Butler! I mean, never mind that there wouldn't be any sexing up to watch in the first place if she weren't there to be sexed up... upon... and... stuff. I was clearly available to film this movie and yet, somehow, no one ever got in touch with me. I'm sure Emmy stole my number out of the director's Filofax. It's awful and terrible and she should DIE. P.S. The bitch thinks she can sing but she totally can't.

"Oh, you think you've got it bad? At least they're just pretending! I'm a Lost fangirl, and my heart was broken last week when Dom and that SLUTBITCH WHORETRAMP EVANGELINE LILLY revealed backstage at the Golden Globes that they are totally in wuv. I mean, not that they actually came out and said so like it was any of our business, but it was OBVIOUS. I mean, she was letting him kiss on her all night! How dare she! And they look really happy together, too! The NERVE of that bitch, having a relationship with another consenting adult to their mutual happiness and satisfaction! Why can't she just LEAVE HIM ALONE so he can tape my favorite TV show by day and lie awake at night and dream of me Elijah Wood his adoring fans? ISN'T THAT FULFILLING ENOUGH?"

For t4_flirt: Nick Carter, on his once having dated Paris Hilton.

"Damn, what was I thinking? Multiple STD medications are expensive, yo."

For lezopez: I would love to see a rant on the absurdness of Botox, which pisses me off to no end (Nicole Kidman, darling, you used to be beautiful. WTF?).

"Hi, I'm Baz Luhrmann. I hate it when actresses Botoxify themselves, because while it smoothes out fine wrinkles, it also smoothes out ANY SEMBLANCE OF EXPRESSION WHATSOEVER. Also, several crewmembers were blinded after the beams from a Klieg light struck a certain overshiny forehead too directly... what? Oh, no, I'm just talking about actresses in general. You know. That I've directed. Like... lots of them. What? Oh... well... I directed Romeo + Juliet... yeah, Claire Danes was really young. Yeah, I'm pretty sure she wasn't Botoxing. So there was that, and Moulin Rouge... No! No! I've directed other stuff, too! Like, you know, that "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen" thing that didn't actually have any people in it, and that Chanel commercial with...

...I have to go now."

Tags: best of, movies, rants

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