Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones
cleolinda

A multitasking rant

For emilytarot: Mmmm, if you're not already loaded down with ze rant, the tendency of actresses in movies and TV-shows to go to bed and sleep with and wake-up with BLOODY PERFECT MAKEUP. Even in the middle of the Jungle! Or Translyvania! would be one I'd love to hear. ^^

For lab_mistress: I would love you until the end of time if you would do a rant on the heroines in EVERY FREAKING ACTION MOVIE fighting and running like hell in high heels and not breaking their ankles in the process >.< Ooohh... and if you could include something in the above rant about the rediculous 'sex me!' clothes they wear while they kick ass, that would be fantastic, too =D

For librisia: Would you please rant about how girl heroes never get to be as fearless/competent/badass as boy heroes?


Hey, Kate!

Kate! Hey!

Hey, Kate, I wanted to ask you a question.

Sure--actually, my name isn't really Kate, it's--

So, look, you're running through the jungle a lot, right? And you look a lot like me, which means you manage to look pretty hot, despite lots of sweat and inconvenient precipitation.

Yeah, that bulletproof mascara you sent me is great.

Okay, so--here's the thing. You're running around with all these guys, right?

Well... yeah.

And you're able to keep up with them?

Well... yeah. Wait. Keep up with them how?

You know. Like... running, and stuff.

Oh, yeah. No problem. The Instacurl serum you recommended is fantastic, by the way--

Oh, for real. So... what am I doing wrong, exactly? I'm always out of breath and I can't run as fast as the guys.

Well, stand back and let me see what you're wearing.

Okay.

Hmm. Lemme see the shoes.

...

Okay, I totally see what the problem is.

Yeah?

You're wearing a corset. I don't even know how you breathe in that thing, much less run. And the fuck-me boots? Yeah. Totally not conducive to foot chases.

Oh, really? Well, what do you wear, Little Miss Chiquita Banana?

Lots of skimpy tank tops.

But you're stranded on a desert island...?

See, that's the beauty of it. Starting out, I have dozens of passengers' suitcases to dig through, and even after that, as time goes on, natural wear and tear just renders my clothing more and more skimpy.

That... that's kind of brilliant.

I KNOW!

But what about... you know... support? When you're running?

Sometimes I wear two or three tank tops at the same time.

GENIUS.

I KNOW!

But... if your breathing and freedom of movement is completely unrestricted, how do they keep you from being more bad-ass than the hero?

They just rely on my natural womanly tenderness and propensity to cry.

Ahhhhhhh.


(More rants, and the origin of the rants)
Tags: best of, lost, rants, van helsing
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