Weirdly enough, from a parodist's point of view, I can actually deal with the first half of the movie. There is a distinct, delightfully clichéd poor-boy-meets-rich-girl story arc that isn't hard to outline. It's when the ship starts sinking that it turns into more of a "This is [sort of] what actually happened" narrative, and yeah, it's pretty gripping just by virtue of being true. I mean, of course the main characters in the foreground are fictional, but the real fascination of the second half of the movie isn't oh, woe, what will happen to Jack and Rose; it's the slow, rubbernecking horror of realizing that this is pretty much what really happened to several hundred people, and you're going to be sitting here watching everyone suffer nobly until the final catharsis (Titanic Heaven!). And that's great drama, but... that doesn't help break it down into easily satirized chunks. And don't even get me started on what the hell I'm going to do about the Little Old Couple of Pathos. Damn. If I didn't have rousing games of Spot the Ioan to break up the agony, I don't know what I'd do.
Anyway. This is also the point in my writing process, generally speaking, when the really bad pop music gets marched out. I'm talking... well, I'm talking that boy band that Justin Timberlake was in and I don't know how to spell, because it involves an asterisk or an ampersand or somesuch shit. DON'T ADD CRIMES COMMITTED AGAINST THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE TO MY SHAME, PEOPLE.
(Do enough people read Television Without Pity that I could put in a TWOP-specific Alias reference? Screw it, I'm gonna do it anyway. Ship Daddy!)
Oh, and be a dear and help out misshallelujah if you have a moment: