Previously on Lost: OMGWTFPOLARBEAR! Bom-chicka-wa-wa (boom!). Vincent? Is that you? Unf unf unf.
Cavetown-on-Dead Pool. We open on Charlie's face, even though what we hear is Locke shouting for Captain Hero Dr. Jack. Locke hustles in with an unconscious Claire in his arms, to the sound of sawing violins (I guess?) on the soundtrack. Also? OMFG she's still pregnant! I was so sure she wouldn't be. So. The castaways all gather around Claire and freak out over her until Jack is like BACK OFF, GAH. Then she comes to and... freaks the hell out, because she doesn't remember anyone. Not Jack, not Kate, and certainly not Charlie. The Good Ship Charlie Loves Babymama spontaneously springs a leak and sinks at the docks.
(If any of you so much as MENTION That Movie in the comments, I will SMITE YOU.)
What does Claire remember? Claire remembers being on a plane. Ohhhhhh dear. Jack breaks the news to her that they were all on that plane, and it crashed, and they've been there a month, and no, no one has come for them. We see Jin and Sun have a conversation that's interesting in its total randomness, given how little screentime they've had lately: "What's going on?" "I don't know." "What about the baby?" "The baby is fine." Jin shows unusual concern for the baby, btw.
The Luxemboone-Locke Lomond Border. Boone keeps asking Locke crap and Locke's like, "Son, we were standing there together. I saw exactly what you saw when she showed up, so CRAM IT." Locke has a strange look in his eye, by the way. It's... sort of fearful. "Do you think [Ethan's] around?" "I sure hope not," says Locke.
Cavetown. The Delegation of Charlie Arabia makes a present to the Diplomatic Embassy of Clairwaii. In English: "Hey, Claire, here's your journal." Charlie goes on to tell Claire that this over here "is where you sleep. Quite cozy. P.S. I love you." Okay, maybe not that last part. Out loud. And then he tells her that Ethan took him, too, and Claire is all very calm and blasé about it. I guess you would be, if you had no idea who you were talking about: "Who is he, Ethan?" Charlie: "Ethan...? Ethan's... the bad guy." Oh, how very meta of you, Charlie. "So... we were together?" I like the tone in Claire's voice here, because you can hear her trying to figure out if they were together or they were together. "Why did he leave you?" Charlie's like, "Uh, let's leave that story for tomorrow." And Claire's like, well, hell, there ain't gonna be any sleeping tonight, and Charlie's like, Yay! I don't sleep either! I'll keep you company!, and Claire's like, Dude, are we even friends? AWWWW. Charlie says "Yeah," but he looks very sad.
Flashback: Snorrrrrrrrrrrt. I was really confused about what was going on here at the time, but suffice it to say that Charlie is down and out post-Driveshaft and hanging out at this bar with this really lowlifey guy who's his current supplier. "Time to put you to work," the guy says. I don't catch the whole spiel, but it's something about a "Lucy." "Ready to fall in love, Mr. Charlie Pace of the legendary band Driveshaft?" says the guy. "Ready and willing, Captain Exposition!" says Charlie. So he ends up at a table with this brunette girl Lucy, who clearly they've sussed out before this evening, and her girlfriends, and Charlie is pouring on the charm. "I will not be shared like common currency! Your plans to ravish me will not work! You call yourselves ladies? Jane Austen would be ashamed!" The girls eat it up with a spoon and ask for more. Also, for good measure, Captain Exposition pays for "You All Everybody" on the jukebox. Sigh.
The beaches of Sayidistan, present day. The menfolks (well, Jack, Sayid, Locke, and Charlie) are discussing the sitch. Sayid, a canny soldier, suggests that a heavily pregnant woman might not have escaped against Ethan's will, given that Ethan is tricksy. Charlie busts out yelling at Sayid for impugning the honor of his ladylove. Then we move on to a discussion of Claire's amnesia, and Locke (I think) points out that Jack has no experience diagnosing "this kind of amnesia." Hell, I'm pretty sure that everything Jack knows about "this kind of amnesia" comes from watching TV. I'm surprised they haven't been trying to bonk Claire on the head in an attempt to make her memory come back.
Charlie leaves this discussion and hikes back to Cavetown, running into Jin on the way. I swear he says something like "Han yung!" at Jin, which Jin repeats back, which suggests that the gang has learned at least one Korean greeting (probably from Sun). Charlie blathers on about how nice it must be to "not be involved in all this bloody insanity," and then lists half the things that have happened on the show so far. You can kick the Smackfarthing, but I am not sure you can ever kick that nasty exposition habit. And suddenly there's a sound and Jin's all like STFU! and the sound is like the Invisible Mechasaur wiping its claws on a welcome mat. That's the only way I can describe it. And then one of those--God, my vocabulary is failing me tonight. You know how you'd swing something around, like a small projectile on some rope or something, and then let it go and it'd fly out and strike somebody? And possibly wrap around their feet and totally take them out if you were really good? Yeah. That thing. (It seems to be called a sling. Somehow it's not the word I was looking for, but it's the right one, I think.) The sling hits Jin in the chest and he's down for the count. OMFG IT'S ETHAN. "CHARLIE, I WANT HER BACK. I WANT YOU TO BRING HER BACK." Charlie snatches up a large stick but Ethan goes all T-2000 on him and just grabs him by the neck and holds him like half a foot off the ground and says, "I'm going kill one of them. And another. And another. And another. One every day. And Charlie? I'LL KILL YOU LAST." Charlie gives him the look of total HE CRAZY that statement deserves, and Ethan is gone.
I'm proud of Charlie, because he immediately runs to Locke and Jack and tattles on Ethan rather than sit around and brood about what he should do. How could I doubt his love for Babymama? My hesitation shames me. Anyway, Jack and Charlie are all about tracking Ethan down, and Locke's like, "Dude, seriously? You seem to have forgotten that the last time y'all tried that, he pounded you, Jack, into tapioca and left you, Charlie, hanging from a tree." Locke's suggestion is that they "circle the wagons, post sentries, tell a select few." Captain Hero Dr. Jack is like, "If he kills someone because we didn't stop him, that blood is on our hands." Locke is like, "Okay, fine. We tell everyone, we round everyone up to Cavetown like sheep, and then Ethan brings some posse down from the jungle and slaughters us in the night. What if telling Charlie was his way of making sure we got everyone in one place?" And Jack is like, "But what if he knew we would think of that, and he's trying to get us to do the opposite," and Locke's all like "INCONCEIVABLE!," and Charlie's like, "EVERYONE STFU RIGHT NOW."
Jinmark. Sun is bathing Jin's chest. I guess where he got hit. They talk. I don't recall them saying anything terribly interesting. I am sad, because they are interesting characters. Just not tonight.
The sad Clairibbean. "The others are avoiding me," says Claire woefully. "It feels like there's something going on." Charlie's all like, "No, no! Nothing's going on, nothing at all, why would you--SO, DO YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING?" Nada. "Well, the rest of us have been having a wonderful time. We even built a golf course," says Charlie. Claire is just like, ha ha, that's cute. I don't think she actually believes him. "Are you sure there's nothing going on?" Charlie lies badly and says that he is sure. If I were there, and I were feeling really mean, I might point out to Claire that she is assuming that people don't treat her like this all the time. I mean, she doesn't remember, right? Maybe she was a total bitch and everyone hates her anyway. Gah, Claire, way to think so highly of yourself. I'm not making any sense, am I? Look, even Charlie isn't listening to me anymore--he's got the Thousand-Yard Stare of Impending Flashback (TM TWOP) on.
Flashback. Lucy and Charlie arrive at Lucy's house after their first date. "You're quite enamored of yourself," laughs Lucy in a way that suggests he's not the only one. "Look, if you want to invite me back for sex, don't say tea, say sex," says Charlie. Lucy laughs and says something about her father coming home, and he sees something on the table while she's not looking that makes him go all pale. Now, y'all know the mental condition I've been in today. I ain't got no clue. Thinking back on Captain Exposition's first scene, I finally understand what's going on here, and in fact this may have been what the Capt. was talking about in the first place. But as it stands now, I can't even remember what the thing is. A lighter? I dunno. It's huge for a lighter, if so. (ETA: It's a cigarette case.) It's silver, and belonged to Winston Churchill. It doesn't really matter what the thing is, so we will call it the MacGuffin. Basically, Lucy invites Charlie back for dinner with her father, and he says he'd love to, in that way that means he is seriously conflicted about it.
The wilds of Jackstralia. Jack is sharpening a knife. Kate comes up with some fruit and says, "You look hungry." You know, as one does with one's back turned. Also, Locke has told "us"--the main characters, I suppose--what happened. Why did they want Claire? Jack doesn't know. "Maybe it's time you used that key around your neck," says Kate. Jack's all moral and anti-gun at this point. Sigh. JUST DIG UP THE GUNS, JACK.
New Jungleton. Remember New Jungleton? Sayid, Locke, Boone are rigging traps. What are they using to conk people on the head? Garbage. That is to say, empty aluminum cans and plastic junk and crap (which is interesting, because I would have thought they'd have gotten rid of that stuff long ago). Not, you know, like, Shirley Manson or anything. Although that would be really funny. And probably pretty effective. In addition to perimeter traps, Sayid mentions that "some of the men have volunteered" for sentry duty. So... that means we did tell everyone? I don't know. Boone's like, "I'll take a shift!" Sayid says, "O...kay." I'm serious, he does. I love him.
Panic in Charlie Arabia. "Maybe we should move her! What about the mountain?" Charlie will not. shut up. about Claire. Jack's all like, "SHE'S SAFER HERE SHUT UP." "NOBODY'S SAFE!" blurts Charlie. "I should have taken care of her." Jack's all like, YOU MUST CHILL. Claire? Sleeps.
Flashback: My Dinner with Lucy's Father. Papa de Lucy was in a band called The Protestant Reformation, and he's all on about how he gave it up for maturity and responsibility and adulthood and providing for Baby Lucy and blah blah blah anvilcakes. And then Lucy chimes in, "That, and you were bloody awful!" Heh. I like her. Charlie then reveals that Liam has taken time off from Driveshaft for his new daughter. A lot of time. Like, a YEAR. He thinks Liam might be doing a solo project. "There's... been some problems with... royalties." Awww! "I think that Driveshaft might... be dead." AWWW.
Here's Captain Exposition again, calling Lucy "a moose." Shut it, Expo. He's agog that Charlie's taken a job, courtesy of Lucy's dad. A job... selling copiers. And now the Cap'n lays it out for those of
Neighborhood Watch, New Jungleton. Locke and Sayid are doing their thing like good soldiers. Boone is struggling to stay awake. Dude! How can you sleep when you know the Ethanator is coming! Jesus! (We're so pinning the inevitable red shirt death on Boone fucking up again, aren't we?) Crash! Boone wakes up and--you know, I could have sworn he fell asleep by a fire on the beach, and when he wakes up he's in the jungle. I have no idea what's going on here. Did he sleepwalk? Was he moved? Am I crazy? He runs around in circles with what I now realize is, hilariously, a sharpened stick. Oh, Boone. He spins around in the foliage and falls on his ass. Someone's coming! Who is it? Is it you, Vincent? And for once in Boone's life--possibly for the first time ever on this show--IT REALLY IS VINCENT. Sayid and Locke come running--"Something tripped the alarm!" "I think we found another missing castaway," cracks Sayid. Heh. Just to add insult to injury, Vincent is licking Boone's face.
Scream! There's a mauled body on the beaches of Stevedad and Scottbago. Everyone looks out to the water pounding the rocks, like Ethan's still gonna be there or something.
Cavetown. Hurley's like, "I thought those guys had a perimeter set up." Kate tells him that Locke said "it didn't matter--they came in from the water." Dude, like friggin' Navy SEALs, yo. "I guess Steve drew the short straw," smarms Sawyer. "Dude," says Hurley, "that was Scott." And the island nation of Scottbago mourns.
Later that day, they bury "Scott Jackson." Hurley does the eulogical honors: "Sorry I kept calling you Steve, man. Amen. I guess."
The Dead Pool. Claire can't figure out why everyone is glaring at her. She marches up to Shannon and asks, "Hi! Why is everyone staring at me?" "I'm not staring at you," Shannon says lamely. "What's your name? --Shannon? You're staring." The Snicker Bitch is finally like, "You mean nobody's told you?" Oh, of course she'd be the one to say that.
The furious hurricanes of Clairwaii. "WHY? WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME? WHAT ELSE DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO? WHY WOULD YOU KEEP ME IN THE DARK?" Charlie's just standing there letting his hair blow back in the face of Claire's rage. She's like a totally different person since last we saw her--a lot calmer and more assertive, and less angsty. "I just wanted to take care of you!" says Charlie. "I can take care of myself," snaps Claire. Uh, hon? No. No, you totally can't. You're fourteen hundred months pregnant, and even with someone "protecting" you, you ended up captive. So... yeah.
Flashback. "Look at you! Charlie Pace, respectable businessman." Oh, God, Lucy's caught the exposition, too. Charlie looks bad--I guess that Cap'n Expo was true to his word and withheld the Smackfarthing all weekend. Lucy's nattering on about how "Dad's put the fix in for you" and how nice he looks and how she bought him a briefcase and she's driving him to work, and the guilt just keeps piling on and on, but Charlie snatches the MacGuffin anyway while she's not looking.
Cavetown. Boone is sharpening a knife. Jack pulls Locke away--"John? You wanna take a walk?"--and asks him what he thinks will happen that night. "What do you think happens tonight? "Rhetorical question, Jack. Someone's going to die." He points out that Ethan must see them as "just a bunch of scared idiots with sharp sticks." Jack: "What if I told you I had a way to get the advantage back?" ATTA BOY! Jack takes off his key, and Locke's like, "Jigga what?" Then he leads Locke to the bush where he's carefully stowed Kate's case away (oh, please. Like Sawyer couldn't sniff that out in five minutes). "Why, doctor, you've been holding out on us," says Locke. I kinda shivered when he said that; I don't know why. Jack's like, "I guess you know how to handle these," but I don't know why he would say that--didn't Locke's awful boss tell us that Locke never served in the armed forces? Or is this just Locke being generally gung-ho and capable (or seeming to be)? And, indeed, he can lock and load. Jack looks at Locke with some fear. I suddenly wonder if Locke is in on the whole Ethan thing.
Commercials: Jimmy Kimmel is on the island with the cast. Yes, of this show. It's really bizarre because it's not like seeing Entertainment Tonight talk to the actors in street clothes--it's Jimmy Kimmel wandering around with KATE and SAWYER. Wah. Also: hijinx ensue.
More commercials. Some news special on Michael Jackson and Corey Feldman. Gross. And who is the guy in this new Blind Justice show? He looks so familiar.
Back to the show. The menfolks want to use Claire as bait. Charlie's like, NO FUCKING WAY. Claire's like, STFU. "I don't remember Ethan. I don't remember what he did to me. But if I can stop him from hurting anyone else, I have to do that." Interestingly, she doesn't seem to take her baby into account. Hmm. Charlie wants to go, too. They ask him if he's ever fired a weapon. The way Charlie glazes over, I was afraid that he was going to end up, like, shooting up Lucy's dad's office. No one else seems to notice. Jack's all ready to go, like, "Let's do this like Brutus."
Flashback to Charlie's first day on the job. Actually, the way the guy is timing him, I can't tell if he's actually pitching a sale or being trained to pitch, and failing miserable. "Allow me to demostrate the awesome speed of the CA1-5," he says, or something very like that, and proceeds to demonstrate his awesome junkie powers of fucking up. Cold sweats! Dark eye circles! Complete ineptitude! And then Charlie throws up in the copier, which... my God, I think I've had nightmares like this before.
Back in New Jungleton, Locke's all like, "We have four guns, we should have four men." Well, thank you for being able to math, Locke. Enter Sawyer, who wants to play. "You know how to handle a gun?" asks Jack. "Well, I know one OMGWTFPOLARBEAR who seems to think so," says Sawyer. I'd forgotten--Jack wasn't on that hike, was he? Hee. "Where'd you get the hardware, hoss?" he asks, but Jack doesn't answer. Now Kate wants to come, too, but they're out of guns. Then Sawyer gets a crafty look and there's much bantering about how much ammo they have, but the long and short of it is, "If the lady wants to come... I lifted this off the marshall back in the [heavy sarcasm] old days. You remember him, right?" "Yeah, I remember you SHOT HIM," says Jack. "And missed." OH SNAP. "Yeah, well. Bygones," says Sawyer.
"Everyone will be in visual contact with Claire," Locke tells the team. "Guns are our last resort. We want him alive."
Charlie: still brooding.
The jungles of Ethanmandu. It's raining, of course. Claire walks out to Ethan's designated spot in the pouring rain, la la la, everybody's cool. Sayid's in a tree, Sawyer's in the bushes, Locke's got his camo mud on. And then--y'all, I cannot express how creepy this is. Ethan's just suddenly there, climbing out between two low rocks, crouched like a friggin' predator and he just comes out all of a sudden. Seriously, I do not ever want William Mapother within fifty feet of me. Claire runs screaming, as one does.
Commercials: Sydney is attacked by a vampire on Alias? WTF? And then I saw Ship Daddy and I ran screaming.
(Some new show with John Stamos. "Different Sex, Same City." Dude, "Sex and the City with Guys" is redundant. That was the point of having Sex and the City IN THE FIRST PLACE. No one wants to see a show about a single guy screwing around! That's called "real life"!)
Back in Ethanmandu: Jack tackles Ethan! Gun goes flying! Get the fucking gun, Claire! At least Ethan won't get it! Claire does not get the fucking gun. Ethan just about snaps Jack's neck. Claire stands there being useless. Jack gets a good punch in. SOMEONE! ANYONE! ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN CONSTANT VISUAL CONTACT WITH CLAIRE!
"Over here! Jack's got him! Hold your fire, don't shoot!" yells Locke. Somehow, somewhere in here, Jack has managed to take Ethan down and is basically sitting on him, the better to tenderize him at his leisure. Yeah, payback's a bitch, as the saying goes. And every time you think Jack's gotten his final punch in, he sits back to rest and then he goes for another one. Kate runs to Claire and throws her arms around her because they are both girrrrrrrls and that is what girls do. Sayid finally pulls Jack off Ethan, who lies there in the mud. I so keep waiting for him to suddenly spring back up and go apeshit on everyone. "Nice one, doc," says Sawyer, approvingly. And then Ethan sits up. Very slowly and grumpily and tentatively, I might add, but everyone's like "WAH!" and he's got five guns pointed at him--no, four, because, of course Jack has dropped his gun. Whatever in the world could have happened to Jack's gun, do you think? And then BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM: the Good Ship Charlie Loves Babymama looses the torpedoes on the USS Cousin of Cruise. Ethan is swiss-cheesed. Also? Charlie looks really, really scary. Everyone stares at Charlie like, "Uh... dude?"
Sunbeams break over the island. Sure, okay.
Cavetown-on-Dead Pool. Jack sits down next to Charlie (brooding), like, so, Chas, thanks for killing our only chance of figuring out what the fuck is going on here. "Why'd you do it?" "Because he hanged me and left me to die and kidnapped a pregnant woman and did God only knows what in the two weeks he held her captive. DUH, JACK. BECAUSE HE DESERVED IT." Okay, maybe only that last part. And then he points out that Ethan very likely wouldn't have given up any information anyway, as he is clearly far more hardcore than any of the new castaways, and also, Sayid and Jack are such effective torturers, you know. "I wasn't gonna let that animal anywhere near her again. EVER." Awww! And I have to say, really? What were the odds that Ethan was going to somehow outfox them and get away/rekidnap Claire/kill someone else? Really, the smart money goes ahead and kills the bad guy.
Final flashback. Charlie is banging on Lucy's door, and a red-eyed Lucy answers. Charlie wants to explain that he "made a mistake," but Lucy shouts that her father's sales manager came to return the MacGuffin, which the EMTs pulled from Charlie's suit. (I guess it was well-known that Lucy's father owns this? Dammit, this is what happens when you only get to see the show once before you recap.) "I believed you and you lied! You selfish bastard! Don't you dare lie to me! I get why you pretended to like me. I understand you stole because you're a junkie. But I don't understand why you took the job. Why did you take the job?" Charlie says, finally, "I guess... I wanted to be respectable. I wanted you to think that I could take of you." Oh, Jesus, y'all. I mean, I'm a sucker for the sentiment and all, but could that parallel be any more hamhanded? Sigh. "You'll never take care of anyone!" screams Lucy.
So, back to Cavetown. Hurley wanders through. Sun and Jin are spooning. Shannon is apparently nursing some minor scrape that Sayid incurred from watching Jack tenderize The Late Ethan. There's Jack. Charlie is brooding. Again. Hey, here comes Claire! "I remember peanut butter," she says, smiling tentatively. "Why do I remember peanut butter?" she adds, like she can't believe that's the one thing that would come to her. "It was imaginary peanut butter, actually," says Charlie. Yes, dear. Like any of us could forget (damn). "I don't know what happened to me," she says. "I'm scared. But I want to trust you." You know, seeing as how Charlie vaporized that fucker. "Good night, Charlie." "Good night, Claire." The End.
Next Wednesday: "On an island full of secrets, SOME CAN BE REVEALED." But not the ones we care about, or anything. (Can I be this announcer guy? I've always wanted to be That Announcer Guy.) Sawyer: "I've never been in love." Kate: "I've never had a one-night stand." FOR GOD'S SAKE, SOMEBODY FUCK. "Some secrets CAN'T." Jack: "What'd she give you?" "Nothing she wasn't willin' to part with," jackholes Sawyer. Then they make it look like Sawyer and Jack are totally gunning for each other. Like, with literal guns. Like these people don't have better things to do than fight over Kate (who is one of my favorite characters, people, and even I'm sick of this triangle shit). Look, I don't know why it has to be so difficult. Y'all need a four-way with Jack and Kate and Sawyer and Sayid. If the math is easy enough that I can do it, I'd think y'all could handle it, people.