Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones
cleolinda

Oscar entry #1



“Hey, self, I just had a great idea!”

 

“What’s that, self?”

 

“Let’s try to switch out monitors exactly eight minutes before red carpet coverage starts on ABC!”

 

“Why, self! That is BRILLIANT!”

 

[Five minutes later:]

 

“AHHHHH, FUCK, MOTHERFUCKER!!!”

 

 

 

The weird thing about celebrity culture—particularly our current culture, in which everyone is famous for fifteen minutes, or at least thirty seconds—is that I feel compelled to namecheck things I know you don’t give a shit about. Like, I feel like I should be telling some breathless reporter, “Well, my bubblebath was Bath and Bodyworks’ Mango Mandarin; my towel was Royal Velvet; and my pajamas are by Laundry Basket."

"Now, we're hearing that your drink tonight is Sunkist...? Beverage stylists across the country are asking, what happened to your lifelong collaboration with Mountain Dew?"

"Well... [wistful shrug] they just didn't show up today. Sunkist stepped in when I needed them most."

And the reporter will shake her head and wish me a good night with the commentary.

 

 

Hilary Swank is in some strangely draped blue (silk jersey?) number that’s actually pretty flattering. Leo actually brought Gisele. DEATH TO BILLY BUSH. He’s cornered Hilary and is reciting her life story to her while she nods placidly. Chris Connelly has Annette Bening and Warren Beatty, who are starting to look like cadaverous spiky-haired twins. Annette’s actual date tonight is Prince Valium, I fear. Here’s Jamie Foxx and some littlegirl, I didn’t catch who. I’m a teensy bit sick of hearing about Ray Charles. Is that terrible? OMG THERE GOES JAKE GYLLENHAAL JAKE I LOVE YOUUUU!

 

Here’s Halle Berry. Nice long sleek hair, nice grey dress… nice. Not real exciting, but nice. Ooo, I like her earrings. What’s the most important criterion for a dress? “Know your own body.” WORD. They replay Halle’s weeping acceptance speech and, my favorite part, the shot of Renée Zellweger weeping in turn, because… why? Here’s Tom Hanks’ Philadelphia speech. Oh, Jesus Christ, here’s Roberto Benigni—heeeeee, they cut his clip off before they even get to him climbing over the seats.

 

Oh, Renée. Hon. You look like Betty Boop fresh out of a concentration camp. Given the dark hair, the red dress is an admirable attempt, but… girl needs a good twenty more pounds to pull it off.

 

Hee, it’s Leo. He talks to Chris Connelly respectfully, like he’s a math teacher. God bless. Also? He looks sooooo much older than he did in Titanic, for obvious reasons, but… yeah.

 

Oh, here’s Laura Linney, and if she didn’t have raccoon eyeliner, she would have knocked this one out of the park. I love her pearls.

 

Virginia Madsen: Great black on blue Versace, excellent chandelier diamond earrings. Shit, I turned my head and I missed, like, three people on the carpet. Oh, thank God, a commercial. I have time to update.

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