What the crap is this dancy flute music? Ah, it's a montage. Gotta have a montage. "Since movies began, we've been under their spell." Well, yes. Who's speaking? I can't tell. Dustin Hoffman? Ah, half the FOTR score. They start playing Eminem and I just start laughing. (Backstage, Gil Cates: "MONTAGE FASTERRRRRR!") There's a fun Chaplin-Shrek thing--I wish I could describe it, but Chris Rock is already out. Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a rocky night. "SIT YO ASSES DOWN!" And immediately with the "four black nominees" stuff. And something about Rocky V sucking, which--duh, Chris Rock. "There's no acting at the Oscars!" Oh, I beg to diffah. Have you ever watched the losers' faces? Ah, there he goes with that. When Halle Berry won, "Nicole Kidman was smilin' so wide, she shoulda won an Emmy at the Oscars! If you'da done that in a movie, you'da won that Oscar, girl!" And then he mentions "movies so bad that they make you question the actors' finances." I have two words for you, Chris Rock: Bad. Company.
(Oooo, I like Kate Winslet's dress.)
Rock goes off on Jude Law being in everything. Some of his "If you can't get blah, wait!" stuff kinda doesn't make sense, in that I'd rather see Jude Law over Tom Cruise any day. "If you makin' a movie about the past, you better get Russell Crowe's ass." Nice riff on Russell doing the research for any historical movie--"He'll walk like three weeks ago, he'll talk like three weeks ago, he'll cut his hair like three weeks ago!" Nice jab at himself here, by the way--"If you can't get Denzel Washington, all you can get is me--WAIT!" Ohhhhh, nice Michael Moore/Super Size Me joke ("He's already done the research!"). Oh, Lord, Fahrenheit 9/11-George Bush jokes. Batten down the hatches. "Imagine if you work for the Gap, and you're $73 trillion behind, and you start a war with Banana Republic 'cause they got toxic tank tops or something, 1000 Gap employees dyin' a day, and then you find out... Banana Republic never made no tank tops anyway." Hee. Now he's going off Passion of the Christ vs. sad-ass black movies--"Soul Plane! Barbershop! Car Wash! Those ain't titles! They're just locations!" And then a shout-out to the troops.
Here's Halle Berry, after a quick jab at "the highly-anticipated Catwoman 2." She's here to present....? Art Direction, oh Jeeeeeesus--here's all the nominees on stage. Aaaand the horror starts early. I have to admit, I didn't think they'd let plebeians like these up on the stage, so... props? GOOOOOO SNICKET! Failing Snicket, GOOOO PHANTOM! Heeee, they played the opening POTO theme and I burst out laughing. Can't help it.
Oh shit! The Aviator wins! That blows both my pool predictions. Shit!