Vladimir: "where's my trainwreck", indeed.
Cleolinda: dammit, this is tasteful and well-planned! WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE!
Mercifully, Chris Rock introduces "Sean Combs" instead of P. Puffy Diddly-Doo or whatever the hell he's decided to call himself today. Oh dear. Combs just said, "The last song is from a hip and creative film: The Polar Express." The sound you heard was me going "BWAH!" Here's Josh Groban and Beyonce between glowing train engines. "Snow" is falling on them. Also, Beyonce skinned a disco ball for her gown. Whoa, I had never heard Groban before, and I wasn't expecting that voice to come out of that tiny creature. (Please, Groban fans, do not come harass me. It won't do any good.) Beyonce gives Josh the glad-eye up and down (hey now). Sister Girl: "Their voices don't really complement each other, do they?" No, Sister Girl. They do not. I think it's kind of like they're not trying to sing in harmony. "Of course they're not," says Sister Girl. "They both think they're awesome, and the other one should [harmonize]."
PRINCE! PRINCE I LOVE YOU! BEST SONG! I LOVE YOU PRINCE! ONLY YOU GOT ME THROUGH TITANIC IN FIFTEEN MINUTES! WHOA. I totally wasn't expecting Motorcycle Diaries to win... and the guy gets up, sings a verse of the song, says, "Thanks! Ciao," and leaves. Okay then!
Here's Sean Penn. Oh, break it down. Here it comes. Sean Penn wants to answer Chris Rock's question of who Jude Law is (here's me: "Ohhhhh no. Ohhhhh no..."): "He's one of our finest actors." Blessedly, it doesn't go any further than that. (Sister Girl: "Well! He handled that... tastefully!") Best Actress! Big wooooo! for Kate Winslet, interestingly enough. Hilary Swank wins again--as I said, plunging us into a world where Swank has two and Kate has none. But you know what? NEITHER DOES MRS. WARREN BEATTY. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry. Schadenfreude, can't help it. Swank: "I'd like to start by thanking my husband, because I'd like to think that I learn from past mistakes."
(Can you imagine how amazingly awful this would be if all the actresses had been lined up onstage for this?)
Conti tries to play Swank off the stage, and Hilary's like, "Uh-uh! You can't do that! I haven't gotten to Clint yet!" Conti's cheerful music hides the sound of Cates having a seizure backstage.