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Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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And the hand in his pocket WAS A TINY MOIST HAND
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Okay, stop me if I've told this one before. I've actually told it over on Fametracker twice, and in fact, I went searching for the original post over there and discovered that there's quite a fascination with it. So, preserved here for all time, Fametracker Forums RIP, is the Tiny Moist Hand story from the "Good Movie Manners Cost Nothing" thread:

PrincessCleo: Well, it's been about a year since I originally told my Romeo + Juliet story, so I guess I'll tell it again. Of course, nothing can top "I'm gonna throw bullets," but here goes:

So. I think I was a senior in high school at the time, and my best friend and I went to something like a 7 or 8 pm Saturday night showing. I had long, curly hair at the time. So Juliet's weeping over Dead Romeo (I refuse to spoiler this, because--come on), and all of a sudden I... feel something... behind me. In my hair. And then I feel this tiny moist hand... crawling up... my neck. And I'm just sitting bolt upright in my seat trying to figure out WTF is going on, and then the Tiny Moist Hand--which has crept up to the middle of my head by this time, and I'm just petrified with horror--grabs a big ol' handful of hair and YANKS. And I whip my head around to see what the hell is going on (Tiny Moist Hand jerks back and vanishes), but I can't see anything in the dark. It must have been some small child sitting behind me or something. So I glared in the general direction of whatever adults must have brought the kid in, and basically held on to my hair for the rest of the movie.

Amalthea: I remember that story! *shudders* Seriously, ever since you last posted that, I've worn my hair in a bun to the movies.

PrincessCleo: Only you can prevent Tiny Moist Hand, kids.

I really like singing the phrase to the tune of "Red Right Hand," myself.

ETA: Duuuuuude. I'm searching "moist" through the thread, and apparently I gave people nightmares with that story.

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OMFG! *laughing hysterically*
*has a coughing fit from laughing hysterically*
Oh my, that was good!

...AAAAnd that was the moment Fametracker became classic to me.

Now I am going away to cry quietly.


Seriously, I searched for the phrase through that thread, which I haven't visited in MONTHS, and I was astounded by how often it was mentioned, and how many people kept having Tiny Moist Hand Nightmares.

Eeeeew. *contemplates, once again, getting a Ripley hairstyle*

I shall now compose for you a parody song for the Tiny Moist Hand. ::puts that on the list with the Eggplant Love song she swore to write for someone else::

Did you ever write that song?

Sorry to reply so late...Cleo just referred to this thread again. (Typing while laughing hysterically.)

Ew. Ew. Ewwwwwwwwww.

...Trying to think of something more coherent to say. But I can't.


So I glared in the general direction of whatever adults must have brought the kid in

That is horrifying! Not so much the hand/kid itself, but that parents would allow their brat to do that.

I would have done a lot more than glare. I would have thrown a fit.

If these parents are bringing their Tiny-Moist-Hand-owning child to Romeo + Juliet - a movie full of handguns and naked - I think all parenting-skills assumptions are off. :D

So Juliet's weeping over Dead Romeo (I refuse to spoiler this, because--come on)

Hahaha that made me laugh. A lot.

And that story scares the hell out of me. I'm definitely not going to wear my hair down at the movies for a long time now.

The TMH story would be even creepier if you thought of the hand as belonging to a deranged midget clown. Everything becomes scarier if a clown is involved.

The story was bad enough too begin with and you had to go and bring clowns into the mix.

You. Are. Evil.

*prepares for Moist Clown Nightmares*

Ahhhh... that's so annoying! What I hate is the kids that keep on trying to play with me when I am somewhere public. I am polite, and their are cute for 2 minute tops. But then when I start glancing around for their parents to come run up and apologize for their kid getting into my hair (figuratively) all I see is the parents 50 ft. away looking over indulgently like "Awww, you are so good with kids" and then turning back to whatever conversations they were having with other people. Which sticks me suddenly in the stand-in baby-sitter, since I can't just leave the kid running about alone.

Well... thanks for the tiny moist hand story. Now I'm never going to see another movie without a bonnet pulled securely over my hair.
*checks behind her for any tiny moist hands that might be lurking there*

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And OH NOES! not seat gremlins! That's better than the experience I had watching Freddy Vs. Jason in which the girl next to me was giving her boyfriend a blowjob. RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

I really need to stop going to the movies.

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Oh, egads, my sympathies. I've a similar story, but it was a Tiny Sticky Hand. At a renfair, watching the joust. I attempted to turn to say something to my boyfriend and couldn't move, as no less than a foot of my hair had been wrapped around the fist of a small child. Child's mother was *very* embarrassed, as small child had also been eating cotton candy.

I've always wondered what the Tiny Moist Hand story was!

There you are. I was shocked to see how many people were still talking about that story nearly two years after I first posted it, and how many people kept saying, "What's this Tiny Moist Hand I keep hearing about?" It even turned up in the FAQ suggestions thread, according to my keyword search.

When I was seven years old I was at the IMAX theatre with my mother and some whackjob teenager threw gum in my hair. With great force. I had to undergo massive reconstructive barbzerdry because we could. not. get it out. And that's my Tiny Moist Hand story, except it was probably a Big Sticky Hand that threw the gum in the first place, so never mind.

And what's the "I'm gonna throw bullets" story?

Here it is, but I'll also repost it for posterity:
neen: Last spring I was at some crap movie with my friend, and there were some really obnoxious guys in the front row on cell phones. I guess someone threw candy at them or something, cause then they got up and started SCREAMING at everyone, saying, You throw candy? I'm gonna throw bullets at you! And on and on. And people were laughing. Then the douche leaves the theater, and comes back 5 minutes later with a freaking posse of thugs, who then started screaming at everyone, picking up sodas and popcorn and just flinging them into the crowd! Just throwing shit everywhere! Teenage girls were crying. So finally, after a soda hit me in the head, I (by the way I'm a pretty small girl, and these were like giant scary men) said, Hey fucking cut it out! And the scariest man came up right in my face, like an inch away, and started screaming that he was going to hit me, and he started screaming at the stranger next to me, who I guess he thought was my date, telling him to control his "woman". I was screaming at the top of my lungs right back at him, saying Leave him out of it I don't even know him!!! And then the guy told me to shut the fuck up before he punched me in the face, I dared him to, screaming that I would have him arrested so fast he wouldn't even know what hit him. All the while the 13 year old pimply usher was just standing there with his red baton thing, dumbfounded. Finally the cops came. The best part was that on the way out to the parking lot, I heard some young girl say, Did you hear that girl yelling at that guy, that was so cool. I was so proud!!

That was the grossest display of bad movie manners ever.

Sugaar: Neen, he punched you in the face? Were you okay? Did he get arrested?

neen: No he didn't actually punch me in the face. He kept yelling that he was going to smack me or something. I told him to go right ahead cause if he hit me I would have his ass arrested in a fucking second. But he never actually hit me.

The whole situation was so ridiculous I actually hoped he would hit me so that I could make a huge fucking deal out of it and sue the movie theater. It went on for several minutes and no one did anything, and I found that to be unacceptable.

ETA: Duuuuuude. I'm searching "moist" through the thread, and apparently I gave people nightmares with that story.

Well, it does sound like a scene right out of The Grudge movies. . .

Disturbingly hilarious. :)