Oh, good God. Sister Girl's in her room crying on the phone because her boyfriend just dumped her because he "met someone else," which her friends are pretty sure is code for "came home after a year serving in Afghanistan, through which Sister Girl waited patiently, only to discover that she'd gained weight. But he made sure to spend one more weekend with her first, before he went to visit his family upstate, and didn't call her for two weeks after that." (Part of their certainty is the fact that he's only been home a couple of weeks--it's not like he's had time to really pick up chicks. Also, he seems to have gained some weight himself.) They've been dating on and off (mostly on) for about three years, if I recall correctly. And now she's too upset to go to class and learn how to make pie. Ass.
ETA: I feel bad that my sister (who's nineteen) isn't as jaded and self-sufficient, for lack of better words, as I am, because my response would basically be, "If you're that superlative a shit, I don't want your punk ass anyway." And I would have said it three years ago, at that.
ETA 2: Hey, it turns out he really did meet someone else... a 34-year-old Army captain. He's 21. Say whaaaaat?
ETA 3: You guys, I forgot to tell you the best part: he broke up with her via email.