Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones

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Lost: The Journey... to the very limits of my will to recap

Okay, y'all: here's the thing. What I expected, and what I think most of y'all expected, was a clip show that was going to put everyone's flashbacks together and maybe show more clearly how everyone was connected. I mean, we know that Hurley owns Locke's box company, that Sawyer slept with the Lotto girl, that Sawyer was at the police station when Boone made his domestic abuse report--a few little things like that.

Instead, the powers that be decided to give us a Cliff's Notes version of the season so far--not the character flashbacks, but rather viewer flashbacks to the primary narrative. Why it didn't occur to me that they would do this, as it is the most obvious way to proceed, I don't know. So if you're catching up mid-season, you're in luck. If you got in on the ground floor like some of us hardcore types, well, you can go screw. This hour isn't so much for you.

Also, can anyone tell me who did the Ominous Voiceover? Because I'd like to mock him thoroughly.

From the vaults: Lost: 22 entries

2004-09-22: cleolinda: Lost 1:1, "Pilot"

OMINOUS VOICEOVER: What if... you're on a plane... flying from Sydney... to LA?

I am serious, you guys. He talks like this the whole time. I'm just sorry it's not the actual Ominous Movie Trailer Guy, because I would enjoy this a lot more if he were around to throw in a couple of IN A WORLDs.

You could be sitting next to... anyone. A doctor.

Cut to: Rose, Rose's husband's empty seat, and Captain Doctor Hero Jack, who wheedles some Tiny Booze out of the stewardess.

An addict.

Charlie races past the stewardess to the bathroom, where he sniffs his brown sugar Smackfarthing with a desperate combination of relief and shame. I think this part is actually from the second half of the pilot.

A prisoner.

Kate Notinsale, Handcuffed Fugitive with a Heart of Gold, forlornly struggles with her orange juice while Agent Shrapnel taunts her. Woe. This is from the lengthy Kate Krashback in the third ep, I think. I still wasn't recapping scene-for-scene yet, so I'm not sure. But she does have the Anna Valerious curls I associate with "Tabula Rasa".... so.

NOW... what if something went wrong?

If by "wrong" you mean "boom." Turbulence, Charlie gets slammed into the bathroom ceiling, a suitcase nails Agent Shrap in the brain, Kate has to put his mask on for him, a cart goes flying towards Charlie's face, the back half of the plane breaks off, everyone prays for speedy death.

And what if... somehow... you survived?

Well, it would kind of suck for you, is what. We get a repeat of the opening of the first episode, the part where Jack stumbles onto the beach and finds everyone bleeding and shrieking and milling around like fools. I should mention here that Baby's First Recap was hilariously inadequate, partly because I didn't realize I was actually going to recap the show per se, so it was more of a stream-of-consciousness thing. Very like the Wide, Wide World summary I gave you the other day. Only with more things going boom. Sample:

What basically happened was that Matthew Fox woke up in this bamboo forest and wandered out and found people wandering around staggering and screaming and bleeding on this beach amid plane wreckage and so of course there's a pregnant lady having contractions and some guy with a recently occurring severe leg lackage (MMM DINNER I LOVE PIZZA!), and Matthew Fox saves some lives but some moron gets Darwinned into the plane engine and vaporized and everything BLOWS UP REAL GOOD!, and Matthew's all like, Fuck that shit, and he goes back into the bamboo and has to get this random girl who is clearly his love interest (and weirdly reminds me of Kate Beckinsale for no good reason) to sew up the bamboo wound in his back, 'cause he's a doctor but he's not, like, that hardcore, and he's all like, "What's your name?," and she's like, "Kate!," and I'm like, "I KNEW IT!"

Yeah. I was not so much about the details at that point. (Curiously, though, I am eating reheated pizza right now. Locke would say that the island fated me to eat pizza again, y'all. Ooogabooga!)

So Jack stumbles out onto this beach and there's Snicker Bitch in a pink jacket just standing there, arms at her sides, shrieking nonstop. It's hilariously childlike and... well, totally Shannon. Boone's shouting for Shannon, Jin's shouting for Sun, Mercutio's shouting for Walt. Creepy O'Scar, as we called him back in the day, wiggles his gold toe sock and sits up. Some guy's howling about his leg and Jack starts shouting for help and it's funny, because if you watch Locke's face, he actually looks thrilled to run over there and do something. And then they unpin the guy and he is not so much with the having of the leg anymore, and Jack's all like, "Tourniquet necktie ACTIVATE!" And then we hear Babymama screaming for help, and Jack bounds away, leaping (I am not making this up) over a piece of wreckage (Captain Hero Doctor Jack AWAY!), and then that one fool gets vaporized by the still-running engine, and Jack has to fall on Claire and the False Belly of the Apocalypse in the defensive missionary position, if I may plagiarize one of my own jokes. (Gold star to the camper who remembers what that's from.) We don't see Jack shoving Claire into Hurley's custody, we don't see him reviving Rose, and we don't see Boone's hapless quest for surgical pens. But y'all remember, right? 

Cut to: Jack and his backslash, Kate rubbing her wrists (from the handcuffs, of course). We have the whole "Can you sew?" / "Yeah, CURTAINS" conversation, and Kate manages to sew up Jack's back in between dry heaves.

You're one of 48 survivors expecting rescue. There are fathers... [Shot of: Mercutio] sons... [Walt] husbands... [Jin] wives... [Sun] ...blah blah... blee blee... most of them scared... all of them waiting.

Sayid, moping on a log by the campfire: "You'd think they would have come by now." Charlie, in full Unabassist mode, writing FATE on his finger tapes: "Who?" Sayid: "ANYONE."

We have a little "I'm Kate" / "Jack" introductory scene, in case we have not grasped THE MONUMENTAL IMPORTANCE of these two characters in the cosmology of the show. Actually, that's not fair... to Kate, because she's more of a moon orbiting around Jack.

And just when you're beginning to feel safe...

OMGWTFLOSTZILLA!* Thrill to the... non-sight... of the invisible CIA mechasaur rumbling through the jungle, pulling up the palm trees and boppin' 'em on the head. Or something.

* I can't remember who came up with this, but it wasn't me. Probably Television Without Pity.



What if ... you wake the next day, and... help still doesn't come, and... I'm still droning pointlessly over... everything you do, complete with... Shatnerian pauses?

Jack drags Kate and Charlie through the jungle to find the cockpit and, with any luck, a transwhatamathing. Well, actually, they both volunteered--quite eagerly--to go, but we get stopped on a very Jurassic Park stretch of meadow while poor Charlie squawks the chorus of the least hard-rockin' song ever written, "You All Everybody."

Back on the beach, Snicker Bitch sunbathes. I think this is actually from the second half of the pilot, because this scene seems to match up with the description, "Snicker Bitch is sunbathing on the beach and literally could not be portrayed as a bigger bitch unless she asked a man with skin cancer and no arms to help her with the tanning oil." She and Babymama bond over bellies. I am not making this up. I am also deeply disappointed that we were not shown the clip that gave Snicker Bitch her name, wherein she bitched her boyfriend out for daring to bring her chocolaty sustenance. Wait--boyfriend? "Is that your boyfriend?" asks Claire. "It's my brotherlover, Boone, God's friggin' gift to humanity," snarks Shannon. And then Claire mentions that she hasn't felt her baby move since Captain Doctor Hero Jack bellyflopped on her. Shannon is not really equipped to offer a meaningful or sympathetic reply to this.

You find you have time you didn't have before.

Well, actually, you could be spending that time finding food and water, but... ah, who needs it? We see Mercutio desperately trying to bond with Walt (and failing) as Walt reads his Spanish comic book OMGWTFPOLARBEAR.

You ask questions but... you may be surprised by the answers.

Yup. Sayid was in the Republican Guard. Hurley is so surprised that he can't even muster a duuude.

And the people you meet are not what they seem.

See, because it's weird that Locke would enjoy sitting out in the rain while everyone else huddles under a plane wing, because, as a paraplegic, he didn't get to do... a lot of... sitting?

Jack, Kate, and Charlie trudge through the rainy jungle to the cockpit, and Jack's all like, "Let's do this like Brutus." Hey, they find Greg! It's Greg! Pilot Greg's not dead! I love you, Greg! The Trumpets Trombones of Doom take us out to commercial. 

What if... you think you've found a way to get help?

Lostzilla trumpets angrily in the not-so-distant... distance.

But you realize... this place is not what you imagined it to be.

Bye Greg! Thanks for stopping by! Hey, that's more screaming from Pilot Greg than I remember. Jack grabs the precious transwhatamawho and the three make a run for it. Charlie trips. Jack goes back for him. Kate runs to a stand of bamboo and screams her fool head off for Jack. After a commercial break's worth of waiting, she goes out in search of him and bumps into Charlie, falling on him in what I suppose is the interrogatory missionary position ("WHERE IS JACK?") Then they find Pilot Greg's chewed-up body in a tree, and I don't know if I just couldn't bear to look the first time or if they really do give us a clearer, longer shot of the gore. The writers resurrect Jack and reunite him with his love interest and the hobbit and shoo them off back to camp.

2004-09-29: cleolinda: Lost 1:2, "Pilot"

Despite differences, you begin to find common ground to share.

Heh: Hurley turns down Jin's Orange Slicy Fish. Claire's baby finally kicks, and Jin flees because, clearly, Babymama is packin' cooties for two right now.

Kate and Sayid discuss the transwhatamajig and the need to find higher ground. We see Sawyer reading the Dear Sawyer letter with wet eyes.

You try to let go of the pahhhst, even as your future is uncertain.

"You decided to join us," obviouses Kate as Sawyer joins half the cast on their hike for higher ground. "I'm a complex guy, sweetheart," he jackholes back at her. Seriously, it comes out in this really Bogart tone of voice. I remember now why I hated Sawyer so much at first.

Sayid has a bar on the transwhatamadeal! Snicker Bitch reluctantly translates the transmission: "I'm alone now on the island... please someone come... the others, they're dead, it killed them, it killed them all..." And she trails off there, but I was able to catch rocher noir ("black rock") on the end of the transmission for the first time. I can't tell if they had Mira Furlan, who was cast after this aired so far as I know, come back in and redub that or not. So, in conclusion: French transmission, sixteen years. "Guys?" intones Charlie. "Where are we?"

You know what this means, right? They skipped clean over the polar bear. Yes, the polar bear. The OMGWTFPOLARBEAR. The symbol of every mystery on this show, the one thing people associate most with the series, the beloved mascot of the entire show. This clip show SUCKS.

2004-10-06: cleolinda: Lost 1:3, "Tabula Rasa"

Somehow, we are treated to a scene that does not start with What if...? Kate's episode is skipped over except for the last scene, where Jack is on the beach telling Kate that he doesn't want to know what crime(s) she committed, and THE ENTIRE REST OF THE PLANET TELLS HIM TO FUCK OFF. Note: I hadn't noticed that Jack says, "Three days ago we all died"--Matthew Fox said in EW recently that he thought the "purgatory" theory was bullshit, but I can see where people are getting it from.

2004-10-13: cleolinda: Lost 1:4, "Walkabout"

We skip the wheelchair revelation entirely, but we do see that the outcome of another castaway scrap with Sawyer is the realization that they ain't got no more food. Out comes Locke's Box o' Sharp (Hurley: "Who is this guy?"), and they go b'ar huntin'.

2004-10-20: cleolinda: Lost 1:5, "White Rabbit"

Walt shouts, "That pregnant lady fell down!" I don't know why, but that's still one of the best line deliveries on this show, ever, in my opinion. Charlie and Mercutio carry the Babymama to shade and they realize that 1) Claire needs water and 2) they ain't got no more water. Claire complains to Charlie that people treat her like a timebomb, which--I mean, she's kind of right, and basically she blows up all over Kate in the jungle fifteen episodes later, if you see what I'm saying. Charlie murmurs that she doesn't scare him. Somewhere, in a metaphorical shipyard, a builder says, "... and we will name it the Good Ship Charlie Loves Babymama."

Ironically? Jack does not appear in the clip from the Jack episode.

2004-10-27: cleolinda: Lost 1:6, "House of the Rising Sun"

Jin up and decides that Mercutio MUST DIE, and Sayid comes to Mercutio's rescue with the most awesome flying squirrel tackle ever. Sawyer is involved as well--on the side of law and order, for once--but I was really too busy marveling at Sayid and Jin wrestling in the surf to notice much else. Sayid handcuffs Jin to the plane. Sun reveals that she speaks English, and that Jin was all het up over the watch. Mercutio marches over to the plane and gives Jin his big speech:

Jin can have his stupid watch back, Mercutio just didn't want an expensive watch going to waste but it doesn't matter anyway because there's no concept of TIME on a DESERT ISLAND, AND STAY AWAY FROM MERCUTIO AND HIS KID. P.S. YOUR WIFE SPEAKS ENGLISH AND SHE HATES YOU.
Meanwhile, Charlie's off in the jungle covered in bee stings trying to get his fix, and Locke says the island will give you something if you give the island something. Which is an interesting concept, and one we may want to consider a bit more. What Charlie wants is his guitar back. I suggested that Locke was telekinetically gluing it back together from the plane wreckage at that moment, but it turns out it's, like, hanging from a tree right over their heads the whole time.

2004-11-03: cleolinda: Lost 1:7, "The Moth"

Yes, that clip was actually from episode 6. So... in conclusion, Charlie kicks Smackfarthing in, like, a week with the aid of a cave-in and Elvish medicine.

2004-11-10: cleolinda: Lost 1:8, "Confidence Man"

Sawyer finds Boone in his jungle stash and kicks his ass. Boone then tells Jack that he has deduced that Sawyer must have Snicker Bitch's inhaler refills (Snicker Bitch, in the background: "HHHHHHWEEEEEEE"), because they were in Boone's luggage, and Sawyer has Boone's copy of Watership Down, ergo bunnies = breathing. Jack: "Shannon has asthma?" I'm saying, Jack. So Sayid, who is watching this exchange, gets the bright idea to torture the inhalers out of Sawyer. And suddenly this scene makes a lot more sense now that we know that Sayid and Shannon will hook up in a few episodes.

So, torture:

Sawyer says, "You know what I think, Ali? I think you've never tortured anyone in your life." "Unfortunately for both of us," Sayid says very calmly, "you're wrong." [...] "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! WAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH!!!! HAAAAAAAGHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" And then [Sawyer] makes a sound I can't really reproduce with our current alphabet. [...] Then Sayid puts a knife up to Sawyer's eye and I seriously can't--y'all know I have an eye thing. No sir, Sayid. You are grounded. Fortunately Sawyer buckles at this point, and shouts, "OKAY! Only person I'll tell is her."
So Sawyer's jackholing for that kiss he's been bugging Kate about, and he says, and I quote, "Baby, I'm tied to a tree in a jungle of mystery, and I just been tortured by a spinal surgeon and a gen-u-wine Iraqi. Of course I'm serious." Kate is so stunned by this particular verbal flourish that she gives in, and they kiss for like fifteen minutes. Mmmsawyer. And then he admits that he doesn't have the inhalers, never had them, and Kate punches his jaw in. This is also the episode where Kate was wearing the really awesome green top.

Meanwhile, Sayid feels so bad about shoving bamboo up Sawyer's fingernails (oh, that's a lie, dude. You know you relished every moment of it) that he's got to go Walk the Earth in penance, so... bye, Kate, and stuff.

2004-11-17: cleolinda: Lost 1:9, "Solitary"

So, segue to the rope that is tied to the sea. LOOK INTO THAT, SAYID. But no, he's got to follow it the other way into the jungle, and step on tripwires, and get tied to a bedframe by Crazy Rousseau, who manages to crazy that she and her team survived for two months before shit started to go down, and I'm still not sure what that shit was, but okay.

"Nearly two months we survived here," she says, and maybe it's just the way she phrases it, but I was totally expecting her to be like, "And then a polar bear ATE US and WE DIED and now we're just GHOSTS. Have you seen The Sixth Sense? I love that movie." And Sayid's like, "You said 'it' killed them all." And Crazy says, "We were coming back from the black rock." (This is the "rocher noir" you may have heard in the transmission.) "It was them. They were the carriers." And Sayid's like, "The what?" "The carriers!" "WHO?" "The others!" "WHAT OTHERS? WHAT IS THE BLACK ROCK?" "NO, THE BLACK ROCK'S ON SECOND!" Oh, and Crazy hears voices whispering in the jungle.
And just when we think she's really crazy, Sayid's powerhobbling back through the jungle, and he hears them too. Given that Sawyer actually hears them say, "It comes back around," a significant phrase from his past, I tried to listen to Sayid's voices but couldn't understand them; I wonder if it's actually Arabic we're hearing, which would make sense. 

2004-12-01: cleolinda: Lost 1:10, "Raised by Another"

Cut to Claire also hearing voices, and then sitting up in the middle of the night screaming, "SOMEONE HELP ME! THEY'RE TRYING TO HURT MY BAAAABYYYYY!" Everyone comes running, and hey! There's Ethan! (Apparently there was some confusion: when I called him Cousin of Cruise, I mean, literally, he is Tom Cruise's actual cousin. William Mapother, cousin of Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. Not making this up.) Anyway, Jack isn't sure it was anything worse than a nightmare, but Charlie is upset because he luuuuuuuuuuves Claire and insists that it's not all in her head. He then brings her a very attractive Navajo-pattern blanket and tells her, "If you want to close your eyes, I'll be here all night. I won't let anyone get to you. I won't leave you, Claire. I promise." The Good Ship begins its long journey across the Atlantic.

Hurley, meanwhile, gets the bright idea to take a census, and while Shannon gives her address as "Craphole Island," Ethan Rom, from Ontario, Canada, has a very pleasant chat with Hurley and doesn't seem like a beachninja psychopath at all. Funny how these things work out, really.

Crazy Rousseau tells Sayid, "The people you're determined to get back to. Watch them, watch them closely." Meanwhile, Claire gets pissed at Jack and decides she'd rather have her baby delivered by a passing bonobo at One Tree Maternity Ward, so she storms off into the jungle with Charlie in hot pursuit. Sayid--okay, yeah. The Sayid whispering voices are here, not earlier. Tough, they fit the text recap better up there. Anyway. Sayid's all like, "French woman! Transmission! Not alone!" and in the middle of Jack busting into the peroxide smugglers' stash to minister to Sayid, Hurley's all waving the manifest, like, "OMG ETHAN WAS NOT ON THE PLANE!"

Cut to Ethan approaching Charlie and Claire with silent menace. Very enthusiastic Doombones take us to commercial.

Y'all, we're just now through episode 10. What the hell?

2004-12-10: cleolinda: Lost 1:11, "All the Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues"

What if... your worst fears are realized... your paranoia justified...

What if this clip show never ends? Oh my GOD!

After a good bit of shouting back and forth has established that Ethan went after Charlie, and Charlie went after Claire, and somebody wanted to hurt Claire's baby, and oh shit that's bad, Jack goes flailing into the meadows like a muppet in search of everyone. Eventually Locke and Kate, followed by some Boone-shaped appendage that doesn't contribute much, catch up to Jack and get their Aragorn on and discover that not idly do the leaves of Driveshaft fall. And then they get all caught up in endless layers of Vizzini logic and decide to split up, in case Ethan knew they would know that he would know that they would know that he would make Charlie drop finger tapes in one direction and take Claire in the other. Or would he?

So Boone, with the oh-so-symbolic red shirt draped over his shoulder, is trying to make conversation while he and Locke track the psychotic kidnapper, I guess, and we discover that Locke is neither taxodermist nor hitman, but rather "a regional collections supervisor for a box company." He adds: "They make boxes." Thanks, Locke.

Cut to: the "death" scene that was heard across the interweb:

So finally they cut Charlie down and Kate cries and Captain Hero Dr. Jack performs CPR on him for another five minutes. It doesn't work. Charlie just lies there. [...] Jack keeps beating Charlie. [...] And then Jack sits up in the rain and the violins start in and the camera pulls back and Charlie just lies there and he is dead. Totally dead. Stone cold dead. An ex-Charlie. Joined the rock band invisible. The internets burst into flame and JJ Abrams' inbox crashes under the weight of the death threats. And then Jack gives Charlie three or four more savage punches to the sternum while Kate wails. Seriously, this is what "beating a dead horse" looks like, in case you've ever wondered, except that OMG CHARLIE'S NOT DEAD! CHARLIE IS BREATHING! and the scene swings back from "the ballsiest move in the history of genre television" to "criminally manipulative." Kate and Jack cry and hug and cradle him and smile and hobbit makes three.

And if you listen very carefully, you can hear Charlie gasping, "Shattered... sternum! Internal... bleeding! Ack...!"
Except that the clip show cuts this scene down to about a quarter of what it originally was. And it still goes on forever. Bless.

Back at Cavetown, Charlie huddles by the fire muttering, "Claire. That's all they wanted."

2005-01-05: cleolinda: Lost 1:12, "Whatever the Case May Be"

You know, I don't think any clips were actually shown from this episode.

2005-01-12: cleolinda: Lost 1:13, "Hearts and Minds"

Or this one, either. I guess everyone's too busy not looking for Claire.

2005-01-19: cleolinda: Lost 1:14, "Special"

Hey, everybody! Let's build a raft! Mercutio is tired of sitting on his ass waiting around, at any rate. Sayid: "A rahhhhft?" "Don't say it like that, man!" Heh. Jack comes by and mentions Mercutio's progress, to which Mercutio notes that they've only got room for four people. I hear that this will be significant in future episodes (you think?).

While you prepare to depart, others make their return.

Here's Claire, looking like hell three days old warmed over.

2005-02-09: cleolinda: Lost 1:15, "Homecoming"

Aaaaand Claire remembers nothing. Not even the plane crash. Particularly not Charlie. The Good Ship stalls somewhere around the Panama Canal. "Who's Ethan?" asks Claire. "Ethan? Ethan's... Ethan's the bad guy," obviouses Charlie, because some days "That weird dude who showed up out of nowhere and kidnapped us" is just too much effort to say.

And then the Ethanator catches Charlie in the jungle and picks him up by the throat and declares that he will kill a new castaway each day until the Babymama is returned to him. "And Charlie? I'll kill you last." Jack reveals the hidden case of guns to Locke, and the guys set up a trap wherein Claire will be the bait (much to Charlie's indignation), and Kate is eventually allowed to tag along despite the fact that she is probably second only to Locke in matters of gun proficiency. But she's pretty useless at anything except holding Claire and shrieking, because she's a girrrrrrrrrl. Anyway, the guys (and girrrrl) are hiding in the rainy jungle while Claire just stands there, waiting, and suddenly the Ethanator comes creeping out from between some trees and it is frrrrrreaky, and then he is the Late Ethanator, because Charlie pumps him full of lead. There may also have been some muddy, manly fighting in there. I'm getting tired and losing my will to live, y'all.

What if you have no one to rely on but yourself?

So basically, Jack wants to know why Charlie shot the Ethanator, and Charlie's like, DUH. The Good Ship Charlie Loves Babymama breaks free of its moorings and steams towards the Pacific.

2005-02-16: cleolinda: Lost 1:16, "Outlaws"

I like this episode, but I'm just thankful they skipped anything at this point.

2005-02-23: cleolinda: Lost 1:17, "In Translation"

And your unspoken fears are finally expressed.

Without actually mentioning the raft sabotage, the clip show skips straight to Locke's big speech, wherein he saves Jin's ass:

And here comes Locke to be the voice of reason: "Why would he burn the raft! Okay, fine--it's personal! But why take it out on our best chance to get off the island! We're ignoring the fact that the problem is out there!" he shouts, waving in the general direction of The Late Ethanator. "They've attacked us! Sabotaged us! Kidnapped us! Murdered us! We're not the only people on this island and we aaaaaall know it!"
Except that, in this case, by "the problem is out there" he means "the problem is Walt," but we don't really get into that.

2005-03-02: cleolinda: Lost 1:18, "Numbers"

Strangely, as important as The Numbers are to the show's mythology, I don't think we have a clip from this one.

2005-03-30: cleolinda: Lost 1:19, "Deus Ex Machina"

You're lost... you're scared... you're in danger. You would do anything to get home. 

But what if you found a reason to stay?

Cut to Locke and Boone finding the hatch one night. I'm not sure which episode this is from, but we have a scene where Jack mentions how busy Locke and Boone are, and where's Boone, and Locke's all like, "I dunno," and I think this is cobbled together from earlier, random scenes. You know, during the Stop Flirting With My Sisterlover storyline.

So now we're getting to the newer stuff: the trebuche[t] that was "SUPPOSED TO WORK!!!" And then Boone starts giving Locke sass, and Locke insists that "the island will show us how!" So the island shows them a yellow plane full of heroin (uh-oh), and Boone climbs in and finds that working radio, and now that I know to listen for it, I swear to you it sounds like Bizarro!Boone shouts back from the other end, "WE'RE the survivors of Oceanic Flight 8-1-5!"

And then the plane falls on Boone, oh noes.

2005-04-06: cleolinda: Lost 1:20, "Do No Harm"

Boone is dying from smush. Locke disappears. Kate finds Claire. Boone mutters to Jack about "the hatch... John said not to tell." Jack's all like, "It's okay to tell when someone gives you the bad touch, Boone! Boone? BOONE!" Jin and Charlie arrive at the One Tree Maternity Ward to... not do much. Jack realizes his self-transfusion isn't working because Locke LIED! LIED! Claire pushes and screams. Jin shakes his head at Charlie like a wise, wise man. Boone lets Jack off the hook. Apocalypse Baby Now! Jin and Charlie hug, so proud of... sitting by the fire. Jack closes Boone's eyes. (Interesting: we don't see the "Tell Shannon..." bit again.) Shannon cries over Boone's body. A piano is sad.

What if you have failed, and your faith is lost?

In a refreshing change of pace, Jack decides to blame not himself, but LOCKE, who clearly MURDERED poor Boone. With a CLIFF and a PLANE.

But what if you have failed and your faith...

Locke, pounding on the dark hatch: "WHY??? WHY DID YOU DO THIS????"

And then there was light! restored?

And the Doombones take us out.

Previews: "You're going to take me to the hatch." Who says this? Sayid? Jack? I can't remember. Sayid, tenderly: "Is there anything I can do for you?" Shannon: "Locke killed my brother. You can do something about that." Yeah... hon? I don't think that's what he had in mind. The voiceover promises us "one! astonishing! revelation! after! another!" Jack realizes the key to the gun case is gone! "A chain of events you'll be talking about for weeks!" Sayid is shown with a gun. Locke is shown falling down as if shot. I am telling you, they best come up with something better than "stuff we gave away in the preview." Of course, there was also that Jack-Sawyer Steel Cage Death Match they promised us, and we all know how that turned out. LIES! LIES!

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Tags: lost, lost recaps, recaps, tv

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