Ah, ice dancing. I had drifted away during the skiing, so I missed some of the ice dancing. I arrive just in time to see a Lithuanian (?) pair fall in the last thirty seconds of their program. "The toepick is a dangerous instrument!" cries the announcer. TOEPICK!
Here's some Russians. At first, they (Domnina and Shabalin) are doing an "oozing" rhumba. The stuffy male announcer: "This is far more romantic than some of the feverish theatricality we've seen from the other pairs." As if on cue, the music stops, changes to something faster and salsier, and the Russians? Go into feverish theatricalities.
Pink, pink Ukrainians doing a samba-rhumba. The girl is more Barbie Goes to Rio than actual Barbie Goes to Rio. Stuffy Announcer is bitching that their "twizzles are unattractive." I am deeply out of my element here.
(Dude, I just realized that her skimpy costume isn't held together by the usual nude mesh. More Rio than I knew!)
The French pair looks scary--she's like a deeply tanned Posh Spice in cheesewagon yellow. Despite having long sleeves, her costume is mostly nude mesh and sparkles in the front and back, which kind of makes her look topless. He's wearing... a headscarf (also Velveeta). It's very Karate Kid, what with the white shirt and pants also. Well, maybe Karate Kid if he shipped out on the S.S. Village People.
Bulgarians! He's a little bit Fabio, Lord of the Night; she's a little bit Miss America Swimsuit Competition. Also, he just held her up by the ass with only his face.
(Whoa! Apparently I missed a shitload of falls. I love how the slideshow is actually titled "Carnage!" I told y'all that was NBC's buzzword this year.)
[Five years of speed skating later:]
Canadians--oh, shit, I saw the pictures from this! This is totally painful. I'm not even going to describe it; just go here, start at #8 and start flipping. She does have a relatively classy dress, tho--OH GOD! God, that was excruciating to watch, knowing she was going to bounce off the ice hip-first any moment and would have to be carried off the ice. God.
Italians in tangerine... wait a minute. I've seen this tackiness before! All those pictures I saw, I thought they were of pairs who had already skated. This means... great, more falls. I'd rather not know about them ahead of time, is all I'm saying. Because it's like trying to watch a horror movie with some masked killer right behind the nubile blonde for five minutes solid, only with more samba. Aaaand there they go.
"And now, two pairs in a row have fallen," says Stuffy Announcer, over a shot of a Russian blonde in turquoise praying to the Lord that OH MY GOD WHAT IS SHE WEARING? It's this unholy mix of brown leopard and electric blue, Jesus H! With a headband. It's got this wild Electric Pocahontas Speakeasy air about it. Her partner's costume, while relatively subdued, still looks like it was stolen from a disco. Okay, maybe a funereal disco. NO FALLS! YUSS! They salute their fallen comrades with a teddy bear.
The Canadian is carried out on a stretcher. Eeeek.
Another skimpy Carnaval costume--who is this, more Italians? Oh God, I've seen pictures of them, too. The chick announcer is talking about how she's the stronger partner and does all the footwork and basically the guy is her maypole. And maybe not a very good one, either. That last picture? That's before they took their bows. Ouch.
"Only one couple remains to skate: BELBIN AND AGOSTO!" I don't even know who these people are, except that frickin' everyone is talking about them like the second coming of Fred and Ginger. And that they're American. And that--apparently--they don't wipe out. NBC even played some ridiculous slo-mo music video-esque clip of their practice the other night--I forget the song, but the whole thing was very sad. Not the skaters themselves--just NBC's naked Please Watch Our Coverage Even Though Kwan Went Home desperation.
Belbin is wearing a strange off-the-hip thing. The second part of the program is set to J. Lo's "Let's Get Loud," and God bless her, Belbin sells it. Apparently their speciality is a ridiculous amount of charisma and smolder. Do they fall? No? WINNAH! "It's just nice to see someone
not fall on their ass perform to the best of their ability!" yelps Stuffy Announcer. Like, you can hear the strikeout font in his voice, the announcers are that exasperated with the sparkly, sparkly carnage. Technically Belbin and Agosto are only in second at this point, but God knows who's going to hit the ice ass-first tomorrow.