"He's harmless! He just likes to touch dead things!"
So... we just got back from The Black Dahlia, and... I seriously have no idea what happened in that movie. Like, I mean, I think I understand, you don't have to explain it to me, but I don't think I realized how very, very well L.A. Confidential was made until I saw this one. Because L.A. Confidential, I could follow most of that. Even when they lost me at one point and I wasn't sure exactly what the conspiracy was, I understood what the end goal was supposed to be. This one, it was like, there was boxing and then there were riots and then there was more boxing and Scarlett Johansson was hot, but kind of wooden, and she and Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart had some kind of ménage à trois, except Aaron Eckhart was too dumb to realize it, and then suddenly he went crazy-go-nuts over the Black Dahlia thing, and Scarlett's all like, "Well, he did have that sister of his murdered back in the day, and sometimes the lambs still scream at night," and then Hilary Swank was Irish!Katharine Hepburn and her family was so very, very crazy, and Aunt Petunia was wrong in the head, y'all, and there was lesbian porn and then a big musical number with k.d. lang and then Aaron Eckhart got, like, choked and garroted and slashed and shot and dropped on a pointy fountain and crushed by a falling anvil and then they scraped up what was left and burned it, and Josh Hartnett took some time out from sleeping with Hilary Swank to have emo monkey griefsex with Scarlett Johansson and then it turned out that everyone in Hilary Swank's family killed the Dahlia. Like, I think they took turns, and there were scary clown paintings. And then Aunt Petunia shot herself in the brain with a tiny, tiny revolver. Also, Josh Hartnett is very tall. And by the end of the movie, I really liked listening to him monologue. It was kind of like Sin City, only in color, and with fewer castrations. But twice as many lesbians.