All dialogue is approximate, as I took notes longhand.
Ojo de blonde chick. She's sniffling and thisclose to mouthing along to "Downtown" and is spilling burnt muffins all over the floor. Also, someone's out under her house fixing the plumbing that I totally thought was Locke at first, just by his voice. It's not--it's ETHAN, WHAT.
Muffin is hosting a book club meeting. Cranky Guy is dissing some book that I initially assumed, from his derisive comments about religion, was The Da Vinci Code, but we later see Blonde Chick carrying it outside, and it's got STEPHEN KING across the top. Five bucks says that it's The Stand, which the Lost writers have said inspired them. (ETA: Aaaaand I would lose my $5.) I have "Julie?" (It's not Julie. Julie isn't even the name of Jack's wife, which is who I was thinking of. Julie Bowen plays Jack's wife. And it's still not her), "Ben?," because apparently someone says the name Ben (that's right, they're arguing over whether Ben would like the book and whether Ben liking it is important or not, in a tone that, at the time, made me wonder if Ben was Muffin's ex or her dead husband or something. I know, we find out who Ben is. Hold on for it), and "Earthquake?," because there is one.
Everyone runs outside into their little Pleasantville neighborhood and HENRY WHAT. Then a plane breaks in half over the sky and GOODWIN WHAT. Henry starts barking orders at Goodwin and Ethan to infiltrate the various passenger groups. And the camera backs up (Otherville!) backs up (Otherville on the Island!) backs up (Otherville by the Sea!) TROMBONE SLIDE.
Also, they have a gazebo.
Downstairs, my mother, a staunch Clive Owenist, is forced to watch the Casino Royale commercial, and there's nothing she can do about it. MOO HA HA.
Flashjack. Scruffy Stalker!Jack is in a car somewhere, lurking outside the school (?) where Sarah works (?). Sarah is talking to PAUL RUDD? Man, if only.
Ojo de Jack. Jack wakes up in a dungeon. He's very Jolly Green Jack, what with the lighting--well, not jolly. Maybe Hulk!Jack is more like it. He rips a bandage off his arm--a needle puncture--and gets off a slotty table in a dank dungeony room, starts yelling "HEY!," and promptly walks into a sheet of glass. Ow.
Kate wakes up in a locker room. Water's running, and she kind of smiles as she wakes up, and then there's... Zeke. Yeah, that killed her buzz pretty fast. He wants her to take a shower, and I start getting nervous--didn't they do this to Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta? Kate's all like, "Pervert," and Zeke's like, "You're not my type," and he laughs and leaves her to her high-school locker room shower. Kate pulls a bandage off her arm, too.
Sawyer wakes up in the zoo. He's in a big cage, and I think I hear chickens clucking off in the distance. Some guy's sitting, back turned, in the cage opposite. Sawyer's yelling at him, trying to get him to talk ("Where are we? Who the hell are you?"), and just when I figure Sawyer's about to start flinging poo, he finds the food chute. Monkey Boy turns around and tells him to stop pushing the big red button with a knife and fork printed on it, and despite all the shouting from those of us in the audience who've seen a Skinner box before, Sawyer keeps pushing it and gets blown across the cage by an electric shock on the third go.
Crazy, crazy Jack is climbing his dungeon room and pulling on chains and generally being psychotic. In comes Muffin, gently asking him to stop. "Hi, Jack," she says. "I'm Juliet." So it's not Desmond's Penelope, either. Now, I checked IMDB, and "Juliet" is the correct spelling of her name, but she pronounces it "Juli-ette" right here. I don't know. These things bother me. Also, I found a walk-on character listed as "Julie Ow: Nurse." I'm easily amused.
Flashjack. I missed part of this because Sister Girl wanted me to vet her outfit and NO I DON'T CARE IF THAT MATCHES YOUR SKIRT AUGH. Jack, who is meeting with Sarah, has fired his lawyer, because he's pretty much okay with Sarah screwing him over from here to Timbuktu. Then he hulks out into Stalker Jack and starts telling her that she can have everything, the house, the car, if she'll just tell him who he is. Exit Sarah, weirded out.
Dungeon. Muffin turns up the sound on the dungeon intercom and asks Jack to come down off the table. Jack's all like, "WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS??!!!" Muffin won't say.
Jack is so going to fall for Muffin, isn't he?
Junior High Locker Room. Kate finishes her shower, only to discover that her clothes are gone, because dumbass put them in a locker like she was at the Y. It's called take your clothes in there with you, Kate. Shit, I take my clothes with me when I go swimming at my own house. One of the lockers has "WEAR THIS" taped to it, which is so very Alice in Wonderland. And when Kate pulls it out, I so thought it was a negligee at first. Turns out it's just a pretty, pretty sundress... left over from the '70s. Zeke wolf-whistles, because... Kate totally isn't his type. Right.
Gazebo by the Sea. This isn't even the gazebo we saw back in Otherville; this is a completely different gazebo, on the beach. Zeke takes Kate out to Henry, who has quite the fancy spread going--fresh strawberries, eggs and bacon, orange juice, and handcuffs. Also, he has name-brand ketchup, and not Dharma Initiative KETCHUP. Henry asks Kate to put the handcuffs on, very pleasantly: "Or you won't get any coffee!" And then he tells her to tighten them. Kinky bastard. "Where's Sawyer and Jack?" Kate demands, and Henry starts asking her why she put Sawyer first in that sentence. Kate's all like, "You don't know me," and I'm pretty sure a fingersnap would have been involved if it hadn't been for the cuffs. "I want my clothes! Why are we here? Why this dress? Why breakfast?" "I wanted you to feel comforted, knowing that your friends are looking out on the same ocean," says Henry. You know, even though Jack's in a dungeon and Sawyer's got a face full of zoo. "I wanted you to have that dress so you could feel like a lady," at which point everyone watching the show must have bust out laughing. That ain't no lady, that's Kate! Ba-dum-bum. (I still love Kate, by the way.) "I wanted you to have something to hold on to, because the next two weeks are going to be very unpleasant. Also, we burned your clothes." Kate's big green eyes swell with grief for her dear departed tank top(s).
A commercial for The Prestige--it runs a few times over the next two hours, actually, because ABC's marketing department quickly realized that it, too, caters to the "Women who enjoy pretty men" demographic.
Stalker Flashjack. Jack is methodically calling everyone listed on Sarah's cell phone, which--did she leave it behind at the "I fired my lawyer" meeting? I'm not sure how he got it. Anyway, Dr. Shephard père walks in and asks what the hell Dr. Shephard fils is doing. Why, Crazy Jack is trying to find Sarah's new guy by calling everyone on her phone and claiming he found it on the train. Dr. Shephard says something to the effect of, "Son, what the hell is wrong with you?" And then Dr. Shephard's phone rings and I kind of missed this part but I think Jack sees that it's Sarah's number (ETA: we think now that Jack calls a number and Dr. Shephard's phone rings, is what happened. Jack didn't recognize his own father's cell number?), and he's all like, "Why is Sarah calling you? WHY IS SARAH CALLING YOU??" Dr. Shephard tells him he needs to stop being obsessive, and he knows, because he knows obsessive, and Jack's like, "No, you know DRUNK." O snap. Dr. Shephard, looking very hurt, says, "LET IT GO, JACK."
Hulk Jack is trying to drink drops of ceiling water and lives to regret it. Seriously, that stuff must be rank. The intercom starts crackling and he's yelling at the intercom that he can't hear whoever's trying to talk to him, and through the crackling you can hear a very faint LET IT GO, JACK. Eeeeeeh.
Muffin comes back and offers Jack food and water, but only if he'll sit with his back against the far wall first. You know, so he doesn't jump her or something. Jack's all like, "I don't want your FOOD," like, way to stick it to The Man, Jack. Starve to death, that'll show 'em. And he's all like, "Oh, and I can't understand your stupid INTERCOM, EITHER," and Muffin's like, "That intercom hasn't worked in years, Crazy." Also, she brought him a grilled cheese. Maybe Jack's turning it down because the green light makes it look kind of moldy, y'all. Ever think of that, Muffin? She asks Jack what his profession is, I guess because she figures she might as well get a little interrogation in. "I'm a repo man," Jack says, with psychotic cheerfulness. "You know, I go to people's houses when they don't pay their bills and I take their stuff back, and I'm a people person so I really love it." Snerf. "What about you? You make sandwiches?" "Oh, no," Muffin deadpans. "I just put the toothpicks in." I really love Muffin, by the way. I'm not calling her that because I think she's a twit or anything; I just really like calling her "Muffin." "Where were you flying from?" "Sydney," says Jack, in a sudden display of docility. "What were you doing there?" "Bringing my father home." "Why would you go out all that way to--" "Because he was DEAD." "Oh." Actually, I think she says "I'm sorry," but really, "Oh" is pretty much implied. Muffin presses her hand to the glass. "You can trust me, Jack." Imagine Clarice bringing Hannibal Lecter a grilled cheese cut into pretty triangles and you've pretty much got the scene here.
Muffin leaves. And eats his sandwich.
Otherville City Zoo. Monkey Boy suddenly turns around and starts firing questions at Sawyer. Keep in mind, now, that the cages are like twenty yards apart: "Hey! How far away is your camp! How long would it take to get there! Which direction is it in!" I have no idea what my notes say at this point, but it looks like "Chaclin. Offriend mchnane." Wait! No! "Chachi. Official nickname"! That's what it says. Because it's just not Sawyer without gratuitous nicknaming. Sawyer turns away all like, "Yeah, whatever, OTHER." And I totally thought he'd called it, except that he turns around again and Monkey Boy is TOTALLY IN HIS FACE against the bars and I totally shrieked. "RUN THAT WAY!" he screams and I totally don't know how he unlocked either cage at all, but he and Sawyer book it in opposite directions.
Sawyer's fighting through the jungle foliage when suddenly he runs into Muffin. "Hey," says Muffin conversationally. Sawyer kind of stops and stares at her--I can't tell if he thinks he recognizes her from somewhere, or if he's just like, "What?" And then she tasers him.
Back in the cage. Zeke marches Monkey Boy back over to Sawyer's cage: "SAY IT!" "I--I'm sorry I involved you in my breakout attempt," sniffles Monkey Boy. Zeke marches him away. That was totally odd. Also, "totally" doesn't look like a word anymore.
Dungeon. Muffin's telling Jack through the door that the drugs they subdued our three Lostaways with have the side effect of dehydration and then, if that's not treated, hallucinations. I really wanted Jack to turn around and be like, "Honey, back in season one, I didn't even need dehydration for that. We hallucinated uphill both ways and we liked it." What he actually says is, "Oh, so you're a doctor?" "No, says Muffin, "I'm a repo woman." I heart Muffin. Jack decides to give in.
Crazy Stalker Flashjack. Jack's consulting on some patient--and tell me if the patient was someone we were supposed to know, because I didn't get a good look--and he sees his father laughing and talking on his (own) cell phone in the hall. So Crazy Stalker Jack, still in his scrubs, decides to follow Dr. Shephard to the Lynford Hotel and burst into the room his father goes into, because catching his father with Sarah is going to make things so much better. Except that it's not a bedroom, it's an AA meeting. Awkward. "Jack?" "HULK JACK SAY GIVE CELL PHONE!" "You must be Jack," says the group leader pleasantly. "Why don't you join us?" Jack starts flipping the hell out and shouting, "What you tell 'em about me? 'Not as good as his old man'? What'd you tell 'em about my MARRIAGE??" Also, he makes some choice comments about Dr. Shephard drinking himself to sleep at night or something. That's why it's an AA meeting, JACK. The group leader interjects that Dr. Shephard has been sober for fifty days now. "Wow, Dad! What helped you turn THAT corner? Was it A NEW LADY FRIEND?" Oh my God, Jack done lost his fool mind. "I will not let my wife sleep with my father!" And then he totally jumps Dr. Shephard. At an AA meeting. Hand to God, y'all.
Back in the dungeon, Jack has a Flashjack-induced psychotic break and jumps Muffin. "HULK JACK WANT TO KNOW WHICH WAY OUT!" Well, I guess it's better than Emo Lovelorn Jack. Now that he's got Muffin in a headlock, he drags her out into the hall and tells her to open a door--one of those hatches with a wheel to turn instead of a handle. "I can't," she says. "If I do that, we die." Oh, look, here's Henry. "HULK JACK KILL MUFFIN!" Henry says, and I quote, "O... kay." Jack tells her to open the door and Henry says, "You do that, and she dies anyway. We all do." So Jack starts turning the wheel himself and Henry makes a break for it and slams the door in Muffin's face. And then a shit ton of water bursts through the opening hatch and Jack and
Rose Muffin go under and I get a wonderful five minutes of not having to take dialogue notes while they struggle to shut the hatch and drain the water out. And then Muffin socks Wet Hulk Jack in the jaw and he goes splash. Well, I guess he's not dehydrated now. Also, I just spontaneously became the president of the We [Heart] Muffin fan club.
The commercial after this is the American Express spot where Kate Winslet says, "I almost drowned at twenty." Well played.
Otherville City Zoo. Sawyer expends a great deal of effort reaching for a rock just outside his cage that he then uses to weigh some lever down and then pushes the food button and throws his shoe at some target and ta-da! A fish-shaped Dharma TREAT falls down the chute. It's followed by a shower of dry dog food. "Unbelievable," grumps Sawyer. What'd you think was gonna come out the chute, hoss? He totally starts nibbling on it, though. And then water starts pouring into the trough and he sticks his head in and starts drinking, because he needs to be wet when...
Zeke marches Kate into the zoo. Sawyer deploys about fifteen different Tortured Looks of Love and Joy. Seriously, I'd forgotten how good Josh Holloway is at this. "Awww, you got yourself a fish biscuit!" says Zeke, grinning. "Only took the bears two hours to figure it out." Sawyer puts his game face on and starts sassing Zeke (who offers antiseptic to Kate for something. Dude, what'd they do to her?), but once Zeke is gone, Sawyer's all like, "You okay, Freckles? P.S. I love you." Also, "Nice dress," although I had my money on "You look good." "They made me wear it," says Kate, which I find hilarious for some reason. I didn't want to be a girrrl! They made me do it! It was awful! And then Sawyer offers her his fish biscuit. Awwwww. And Kate takes it, and gnaws on it, and doesn't tell him that she had breakfast at the International Gazebo of Pancakes, because she recognizes the courtship rituals of the Jackhole in its natural habitat.
Dungeon. Jack wakes up on the slotty table to find Muffin on the other side of the glass with a lapful of paperwork. "This is an aquarium," he says. "What'd they keep in here, sharks?" Well, obviously. I see slotty tables and chains, I immediately think "shark." "Dolphins, too," says Muffin. "We're underwater, aren't we?" says Jack. "Is this one of your stations?" "They call it the Hydra," says Muffin. I can't decipher my notes re: the exact progression of the conversation from here, but it ends with Muffin saying, "It doesn't matter who we were; it matters who we are." Write that one down, kids; it'll be on the final. "And we know who you are," she adds, rattling off that he's Dr. Jack Shephard, spinal surgeon who attended Blah College and University of Blee and finished a year ahead of the other kids and was married (once), contested the divorce, and was bringing his dead father home from Sydney on the plane. Well, why'd you ask him, then? "We have a copy of the autopsy report," she adds. I'm starting to be very suspicious--they had the Lostaways believing that they, the Others, were something out of Deliverance, but then they've got Celebration out here and fresh strawberries and up-to-date records on demand. Just how much contact do they still have with the outside world, anyway?
"This, Jack," says Muffin, indicating the pile of papers, "is your life." "Is it just about me?" asks Jack, with a new and pitiful look on his face. "Or is it also about my friends and family?" "It's pretty much about everything," says Muffin. Come on, Jack. Ask her. You know you want to ask her. Hulk out and ask her.
Pitiful Jailhouse Flashjack. Sarah's come to bail Jack out after his escapades at the AA meeting--Dr. Shephard called her. Which is, of course, how we ended up in the pokey in the first place--but she's called him a cab, goodbye. Jack runs out after her, still all crazy in his scrubs, and sees her walking across the street to her car where some other guy that we haven't even seen before is waiting. He grabs her: "Is that him? I need know! HULK JACK NEED TO KNOW!" "It doesn't matter who he is, Jack," says Sarah, getting upset. "It just matters who you're not." O BURN. "Look on the bright side: now you have something to fix. AND I'M NOT SCREWING YOUR DAD!" Okay, I may have made that last part up.
Dungeon. ASK HER, JACK! "Is she..." Oh, Jack. Don't puss out on us now! "Is she happy?" Dammit, Jack. "Yes," says Muffin. Jack cries. "I'd like to bring you some food and water," Muffin says gently. "Can I trust you?" Jack nods weepfully.
Out in the hall, Henry's waiting. "Good work, Juliet," he says. "Thank you, Ben," says Muffin. We close out on a long closeup of Benry's creepy, inscrutable gaze.
Next week: "They have a sailboat? HOW?" asks Benry. "I WANT THAT BOAT!" Then Kate and Sawyer make out.
ETA: Eeek, I hit "post" by accident and it went through before I had a chance to proof it. So, uh, I'll be going through and taking out half the occurrences of "totally" now, thnx.
ETA 2: Okay, proofed. Hit refresh.
October: Domestic Violence Awareness Month
Lost, 3:1 "Tale of Two Cities"
All dialogue is approximate, as I took notes longhand.