Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones
cleolinda

The unbearable sadness of being

I'm not sure what day we're on, Lamictal-wise, but I thought we'd stabilized the dosage after that last fiasco with the 100 mg level, but... no. Maybe it's that the dust has settled and my Wellbutrin needs to be upped a little for balance, since it was cut in half to make room for the Lamictal. I don't know what it is, but... this has been my third really, really bad bout of depression this year. I mean, it's been a bad year in general as far as that goes, but in terms of hitting severely low points... yeah, third time. And each of the previous two times, I decided it was due to a medication issue (too much Zoloft; too much Lamictal) that cleared up pretty quickly once that problem was corrected.

I don't know what it is this time. Maybe it's just that I really do need to readjust my medication, now that I've had time to recover from that last period of over-dosage (not to be confused with an overdose). Maybe it's hormones, because my cycle is notoriously wacky. (I don't want to get into it here, but yes, I should be seeing another doctor about that, again, soon.) I'm still really depressed about Lucky, although I can stand outside myself and realize how ridiculous that is; I can't go on like this for the rest of my life. He was a dog; it happens. And I'm already getting depressed about how much I expect my birthday to suck, which I think shows that I'm just looking for specific subjects to vent the depression I'm already experiencing on. I mean, my birthday is in December; I'm going a pretty long way to borrow trouble. I'm also not dealing well with simple comments or observations--why haven't you finished this, why didn't you write that, I wish you'd written it differently--I guess I just feel sometimes like all I do is disappoint people, online and off, by not being smart enough or disciplined enough or independent enough or creative enough, and I know intellectually that that's not true. I know--intellectually--that I'm lucky to have people interested in what I write at all. But depression isn't rational; you can't reason it away. It's like all my thoughts have sharp edges, and when I'm left alone with them, I get hurt. And right now, I think that they've started to hone themselves on the theme of All You Do Is Disappoint People, Including Yourself, and I feel like I'm on the verge of tears most of the time.

Why yes, I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, thanks for backing away slowly asking.

I'm not even going to try to catch up on the Lost recaps by Wednesday. You (and by "you" I mean "I") can re-watch all the episodes at abc.com/lost, so I'm going to see my doctor, figure out if there's anything we can do with my meds, and then maybe recap the second half of the mini-season as a set. I don't know. I just kind of have to work on functioning right now.


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Tags: depression
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