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Occupation: Girl

Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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The unbearable sadness of being
msauvage purple

I'm not sure what day we're on, Lamictal-wise, but I thought we'd stabilized the dosage after that last fiasco with the 100 mg level, but... no. Maybe it's that the dust has settled and my Wellbutrin needs to be upped a little for balance, since it was cut in half to make room for the Lamictal. I don't know what it is, but... this has been my third really, really bad bout of depression this year. I mean, it's been a bad year in general as far as that goes, but in terms of hitting severely low points... yeah, third time. And each of the previous two times, I decided it was due to a medication issue (too much Zoloft; too much Lamictal) that cleared up pretty quickly once that problem was corrected.

I don't know what it is this time. Maybe it's just that I really do need to readjust my medication, now that I've had time to recover from that last period of over-dosage (not to be confused with an overdose). Maybe it's hormones, because my cycle is notoriously wacky. (I don't want to get into it here, but yes, I should be seeing another doctor about that, again, soon.) I'm still really depressed about Lucky, although I can stand outside myself and realize how ridiculous that is; I can't go on like this for the rest of my life. He was a dog; it happens. And I'm already getting depressed about how much I expect my birthday to suck, which I think shows that I'm just looking for specific subjects to vent the depression I'm already experiencing on. I mean, my birthday is in December; I'm going a pretty long way to borrow trouble. I'm also not dealing well with simple comments or observations--why haven't you finished this, why didn't you write that, I wish you'd written it differently--I guess I just feel sometimes like all I do is disappoint people, online and off, by not being smart enough or disciplined enough or independent enough or creative enough, and I know intellectually that that's not true. I know--intellectually--that I'm lucky to have people interested in what I write at all. But depression isn't rational; you can't reason it away. It's like all my thoughts have sharp edges, and when I'm left alone with them, I get hurt. And right now, I think that they've started to hone themselves on the theme of All You Do Is Disappoint People, Including Yourself, and I feel like I'm on the verge of tears most of the time.

Why yes, I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, thanks for backing away slowly asking.

I'm not even going to try to catch up on the Lost recaps by Wednesday. You (and by "you" I mean "I") can re-watch all the episodes at abc.com/lost, so I'm going to see my doctor, figure out if there's anything we can do with my meds, and then maybe recap the second half of the mini-season as a set. I don't know. I just kind of have to work on functioning right now.

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Just get better. Don't worry about us, and get better, okay?

*hugs* I know it's not rational, but perhaps it will help anyway for me to say I always enjoy your posts and your parodies, and I've never thought that you should have changed anything.

I'm sorry. Do what you need to; we'll still be around. :-)

Don't worry about the Internets. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now, I can't imagine suffering such depression. I hope you're able to get the meds straightened out very soon and start feeling better.

If it's any consolation at all, please know there are people out here who wish they could tell stories as half as well and entertaining as you do, myself included. :)


Functioning is a good thing. Just remember to eat. :)

I don't know that anything I can say will help except A) I love reading anything you write. You have a talent that no one can take away from you, and you share it with us in the most unselfish of ways. B) You are unflinchingly honest with all this, and it reminds/helps me whenever I get down on myself. Granted, it is nowhere near as bad as it sounds for you, but you still open yourself up and are vulnerable, which has me in awe. C) I love you as a friend and fellow writer, and wish for the best for you.

*massive hugs* You just take all the time you need to get through this.

You have yet to disappoint me!

You're going to get through this. I'm sorry you feel this way right now.

You just have to try to remember that you're one person, Cleo; I know that really doesn't help much, but just remember it. You can get through this!

Actually, I wound up getting put on hormones as part of my depression treatment, and it helped. Turns out it's not that unusual.

I hope you're feeling better soon and that all the meds get sorted out. ♥

Serious *hugs*. Somehow or other this will be got through, I'm pretty confident.

gah! I'm so glad that my meds are fairly simple - one med, too low and I wake up with panic attacks an hour after falling asleep, too high and I sleep 16 hours a day.

You do what you need to do. We'll kick anyone who complains!

I remember this year thinking my birthday was going to be miserable. I was so down, and then with all the stress, being sent to the ER... well, up until I put on that blue satin gown and went to the Eastman Theatre, I thought it would suck.

It didn't. My daddy had front-and-center tickets for us (Mummy would've gone too, but she had to work) and when we came home, there were presents to open and candles to blow out.

You have a wonderful family, Cleo. I know this through your words. They'll make sure you have a lovely birthday and a lovely everything else.

Much love, and best of luck getting dosages straightened out.