Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones
cleolinda

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Kind of hating people since 2005

Horoscope of Eerie Aptness: If you're feeling a little moody and slow right now, don't fight it. You don't have to try to figure out why you're going through this phase. Just for today, let yourself feel what you're feeling, and try not to judge yourself too harshly. There is no such thing as a bad emotion -- all emotions are natural, and if you get too hung up on labeling feelings as bad or good, you run the risk of pushing yourself with unreasonable expectations.

I have hit a wall, regarding NaNo. It's this feeling I get sometimes, a feeling I hate--you know how they say, "When you're bored, you're boring"? I feel boring. Nothing seems interesting to me, I don't want to do anything, I can't think straight, and I'm not even sure I care. I end up playing a lot of solitaire. It feels like being wrapped in cotton batting--a not-unpleasant stifling sensation. I don't know if it's a hormonal thing or a medication thing (probably not, if I've felt it before) or a depression thing or what, but the reason I'm so obsessed with trying to pinpoint causes is so that I can then say, "Well, do this about it." I am thisclose to falling off the wagon and trekking down into the basement rec room and getting a Mountain Dew. I kind of understand why some writers turn to drugs--anything to get a kickstart, to shake off this existential jetlag.

On a whim, I picked up my previous diary and started reading through it. It's a glossy blank book, pretty slim, and the covers have that red medieval unicorn tapestry. Being so thin and small, and because I wrote pretty regularly, it covers a relatively short period of time--September 2005 to February 2006. (By contrast, my Jane Eyre diary is larger and thicker, and I've gone entire months at a time without writing anything.) I opened it, somehow, to almost exactly a year ago--November 25 or so. I read forward a few days, into December, and came to this:

Narnia was awesome.
I kind of hate people right now.

A few days after that, an entry written just after my birthday:

All I want for Christmas is for [person] to fall in a hole and die. [...] This is a terrible way to begin twenty-seven.

A few days after that:

Fall. In. A. Hole.

For some reason, there was a lot of drama, family and otherwise, going on at the time. In fact, it's kind of funny, because looking back at that diary, you can see all the omens that 2006 was going to suuuuuck. Which is sad, because--this is going to sound really dumb--I like the number 6. It's a pretty number. I wanted to like 2006. But for some reason, 2006 and I were just not meant to be.

Here's the thing: I don't believe in astrology or numerology per se, not to the point where I'd organize my life around them, but I do believe that they give us metaphorical ways of talking about things that are real. When I'm being persnickety, that's "my Virgo" coming out. When I start flitting around from project to project and finishing none of them, that's classic Sagittarius behavior; I have to admit that it is something I do before I can start doing something about it (like saying, "For NaNoWriMo, I will work on only one thing and try to complete that"). So here's the thing: I consider tarot cards to be one of those metaphorical tools. And apparently the card that corresponds with Sagittarius is Temperance; the card that corresponds with Sagittarius's ruling planet, Jupiter, is the Wheel of Fortune. When I found this out, I was disappointed that I didn't get anything fun like the Magician or the Star or the Empress, until I realized that the Wheel of Fortune pretty much is my card. I'd already been trying to work out exactly how long a cycle of good and bad events is for me, and I'd gotten it down to roughly four or five years. I come down with grand mal depressions like clockwork: ages 13-14, 18-19, 22-23, and now... 27. And I'm on top of the world right before I fall down again. I don't want to say this has been an annus horribilis exactly, but I can definitely see how I might be crushed underfoot (underwheel?) at the moment.

Of course, the thing about the concept of the Wheel is that you might always go down, but you're also always going to come back up. The reason I say it's useful in a real-world way is that if you can isolate your own patterns, you can say, you know, this isn't going to last forever. It's so bad now that I've got to be on the way back up. And that means I've got some really good things on the way, so I'd better be ready to take advantage of them. And my next down period looks like it's going to be over here, so I need to go ahead and start saving for a rainy day, as it were. I think this is the first time I've ever sat down and said to myself, this is where we are and this is where we're going, and this is where we're going to be.

So twenty-seven was pretty awful. On the upside, thirty is on track to be fantastic.

Anyway.

(I was listening to that Heather Nova cover of "Wicked Game," the one I posted yesterday, and it suddenly occurred to me: I would love to hear what she'd do with "Wuthering Heights.")

Chris Robinson to divorce Kate Hudson. I never quite expected to see those words in that order.

1950s R&B star Ruth Brown dies at age 78. "She also became a prominent advocate for the rights of aging R&B musicians during her long struggle to recoup her share of royalties from Atlantic. Her effort led to the formation of the Rhythm & Blues Foundation, a Philadelphia-based nonprofit dedicated to providing financial and medical assistance, as well as historical and cultural preservation of the musical genre."

Cruise, Holmes marry in Italian castle. "Please! Please let me out!"

The Game charged with impersonating cop... to get his cabbie to run red lights.

Israel developing anti-militant "bionic hornet." I... what?

British binge-drinking taking toll on young.

New Yorkers would choose Hillary over Giuliani in 2008: poll.

Deep-fried flags removed from museum. I... what?

New robot can sense damage, compensate.

WB Harry Potter "Order of the Phoenix" Website Now Online.

It probably won't stay up long, but here's a an in-theater recording of the OOTP trailer on YouTube (yes, popcorn rustling and small children murmuring and all). There are actually some really cool visuals, but the best, by far, is a glimpse of Bellatrix. I think the official copy's supposed to hit the intarwebs on Monday.


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