Steve Carell! I love you, Steve Carell! I do not like your script, however, as it is rather of the dumb. "Best Program For This New Thing We're Thinking About Calling Television," or something. All of this is a long, unfunny way of getting around to the fact that Best Animated Film is a new category. (Whoa, Monster House deployed a uvula joke? Damn.) Winner: Cars. Eh. I haven't seen any of them but I am firmly Team Uvula right now. John Lassiter loves cartoons and he wants you do know it. He does deploy a big shoutout for Tony Shalhoub, so he's back in my good graces.
"Last year's winner for Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical"--oh God, is this Jamie Foxx? No! It's Joaquin Phoenix! I have never been so glad to see you, Joaquin? Best Actress, Drama. Huuuuge cheer for Toni Collette. Beyoncé concentrates very hard on looking doe-eyed and bashful. Giant cheer for Meryl Streep. "AndtheGoldenGlobegoestoMerylStreep," blurts out Joaquin, fleeing the stage. "Vogue" plays over an even bigger cheer. Get your drink on, Meryl! "I told Lorraine, she came to a birthday party at my house with snakes... we had snakes... but then we moved back east. I've worked with everybody in the room!" Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. She pulls out her thick black-frame glasses and a list of people. "It's been such a fun year to watch movies because of you gals," the other actresses. Kate Winslet looks genuinely touched, perhaps to the point of tears. Renée Zellweger looks squinty. What color is Meryl's dress? It's so gauzy I can't tell. White? Beige? Peach? "Darling Emily Blunt... where are you, darling? Darling Annie Hathway... dreadful Stanley Tucci..." They donated the movie's clothes to Equality Now and breast cancer research, which is fantastic. Then Meryl foments rebellion by telling people who didn't get to see "Little Children, or Pan's Labyrinth, or... all of these other movies [waving notepaper], I just saw Volver!," to have a "quiet, authoritative" word with their local theater manager. More cheers.
"Coming up! Jamie Foxx!" Aww, hell.