1. That was so fucked up. I... I kind of don't know if it was awesome or not.
2. Aw, hell, who am I kidding? It was fucking awesome.
3. It started out a little hinky. Things seemed kind of... off. Line readings, the cheese factor was a little too strong, I'm not sure what.
4. Maybe because it was Pirates: The Musical! for the first two scenes.
5. (Okay, the Littlest Pirate gets hanged, I'm still with you. But: "They're... singing." Beckett: "Finally." Wait, what?)
6. And then Multiple Jacks showed up, and it was like, This Is Not the Good Acid. The whole thing--the whiteness of the background, the trippy doppelgängers, the general weirdness--so reminded me of something, like an homage to someone or something. Dalí? Seriously, help me out, it was so an homage to something.
7. Also, I had no idea that Johnny Depp licking things could be made unattractive. He must be really, really proud of himself.
8. I love that the monkey blew up Singapore.
9. (If they didn't have a ship, how did they get to Singapore?)
10. I knew that Norrington and Governor Swann were going to die. Not because anyone told me; I just knew. Maybe it's because I watch too much Lost, but I just had this feeling that they were itching to kill people off. "Make it dark," whatever. I'd thought that Sao Feng would last until the final battle, so I was startled but not really surprised when he bit it. Because, again: killing people off.
11. NOOOOO! NOT MY KRAKEN! *rending of garments*
12. When Jack suddenly decided that he wanted to be captain of the Flying Dutchman (which immediately felt wrong, because Jack Sparrow + The Black Pearl = OTP), I knew that wasn't going to happen, because Johnny Depp had been quoted everywhere as saying that he would be willing to do more POTC movies. You can't have The Further Adventures of Captain Jack if he's stuck on the Dutchman, right? So who's going to captain it, because I'm pretty sure they're not going to let Davy Jones live? Well, there's Barbossa, and I guess there's Will, who "has a touch of..." Oh shit. And that's when I knew--by that time they had gone into the whole Davy Jones/Tia Calypso One Day Every Ten Years Thing, plus Sao Feng had randomly decided that Elizabeth was Calypso--I knew that they were totally going to put Will and Elizabeth into the same situation. I'm not saying it's fine cinema, but there's something about them actually going there that took the movie to a totally different level in my mind. Normally, this kind of thing would end with a big splashy wedding, like the one that got interrupted (last year I'd put my money on Jack showing up with Scarlett and Giselle, and you know what? He still showed up with them at the end), and no matter who died, there'd be a big bow wrapped around the ending. So I'm actually kind of--"pleased" isn't really the word, but I admire that they went for something different that had specific thematic resonance; they looked at the story they had so far and took it to a logical, bittersweet conclusion. And all three of these movies have been willing to go for--not always something shocking, necessarily, but they've been willing to go to that tragic place rather than just be glossy and happy. That's one of the things I always liked about the first movie, that it's actually sad and serious when Jack ends the curse and shoots Barbossa; I liked that they made it mean something. And then the second one, of course, you have the fantastic scene where the kraken (RIP, sniffle) comes for Jack and he goes down fighting. It takes the movies to a level that's a lot more epic, not because the battles are bigger or the effects are more expensive, but because real things are at stake, and actual sacrifices are made, and not everyone wins.
13. And then, an hour into the movie, a screw popped out of my glasses and was lost in the deeps. The sticky, sticky, bepopcorned deeps. I spent the rest of the movie--nearly two hours, mind you--pinching the frames to keep the left lens in. This is another reason I am going to have to see the movie again. Oh, darn.
14. Keith Richards is a surprisingly competent actor.
15. I KNEW he was going to end up being Jack's father. I mean, the original news stories about it totally said that, but then they said the character had been changed to "Captain Teague," and I was like, I don't care, he's totally Jack's father.
16. Elizabeth Swann, Pirate King. AWESOME.
17. Awww, Davy Jones has to stand in a bucket, because... you know... the every ten years and... a bucket, y'all.
18. Attack of the 50-Foot Calypso: Not... what I would have hoped for, really. The effect (the scale? the perspective?) didn't seem quite right, for some reason, and the voice they chose was just... not on. It just sounded very Generic Exorcist Scary, rather than Dark Galadriel Cool.
19. (As much sense as Tia Dalma = Calypso makes, I really, really wish they had somehow mentioned Calypso, even just in some kind of offhand, idiomatic expression--maybe one of those random things Gibbs says--in the second movie just to let us know then that she exists in the POTC universe. Because so many things were foreshadowed in Dead Man's Chest, the whole Calypso,
20. Wow, chicks don't usually get to make That One Speech About Freedom That Someone Always Makes Before the Final Battle. Rock.
21. The one time our audience broke into applause: "DEARLY BELOVED--!"
22. Epic Pathos aside, I didn't mist up until Will said, "Keep a weather eye on the horizon." What? Nothing, I'm just--adjusting my broke-ass glasses. *sniiiiiiiiff*
23. (Will! Use your head! Get a bucket!)
24. Taking my mother to see this movie is going to be hellish. "Where are they? Is that China? Who's Calypso? Why are there so many Jacks? Why would multiple Jacks be hell? Is Will with the bad people now? Why is Will with the bad people? Why doesn't his father remember him? Why Elizabeth is Calypso? Well, why isn't she--" OH MY GOD.
25. Late-breaking addition: I stayed until after the credits (more adjusting of glasses). And then I came back to check my email and found a comment from sualocin (or followed to where sualocin made the comment) to the effect that THERE WAS ACTUALLY A HAPPY ENDING:
The quote from the writers I was gonna share with you is: "The captain of the Flying Dutchman curse can be broken and that's why Davy Jones was so furious with Calypso. If the captain's true love is waiting for him when he comes ashore after 10 years the spell is broken and he is no longer bound to the ship - he's free to live a normal mortal life on land again. A new captain is chosen to continue the 10 year cycle. When Davy returned to shore after the first 10 years Calypso was not there to meet him. The curse was not broken and he was doomed to remain captain for eternity. SO when Will comes back after the first ten years (since Liz is waiting for him with their son) the spell is broken and Will can join his family for the rest of his life."OH MY GOD THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER. ETA: I'm hearing now that this may not be a real quote. I kind of don't care, because--if nothing else--it makes the Davy Jones-Tia Dalma conversation in the brig make more sense. Also, LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU IT REALLY HAPPENED. ETA 2: Okay, here's what it is: a true statement from the writers restated in the words of bri_chan and a friend.
P.S. There was lots of smuggled rum.