Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones

True Tales of Five Minutes Ago

Begad, me old swabs, I be the Dread Captain Cleolinda, and I would sing ye the chanties of the Good Ship Split Infinitive except that it was BOARDED this black morn. I already had me eye on the horizon on behalf o' me stepfather, who be expectin' a barrel of swag from the Privateers in Brown, when--avast! There be a rapping at the foremast! So I leaves me grub and me grog and presents meself on deck to find... two gentle old salts. Aye, fine old lads with BIBLES? BIBLES? LOAD THE CANNONS! LOOSE THE MASTS! ABANDON SHIP!

"We'd like to talk to you today about the terrible things going on in the world today--"

"BELAY THAT JABBER!" ("Mm-hm, terrible things...")

"--and maybe you've wondered how a merciful God could allow such suffering. If you'd look here with me at Deuteronomy..."

"BACK, YOU BLACKGUARD, OR IT'S A TASTE OF THE CAT FOR YOU!" ("Oh... Deuteronomy... yeah. Well, you know, I'm a member of Local Church...")

"Oh, then you're a student of the Bible. Perhaps you'd like to look at our publications..."

"NEVER, YE POXY DOGS! BE HANGED UPON YER WATCHTOWER!" ("Well, if you have a copy you'd like to leave with me, that'd be great.")

And thus I drove 'em from me door, walked 'em off the plank and bid them flee, lest I forget me mercy and be true to those threats! The cat be out of the bag--the rope's end be itchin' in my hand! And if ye hear down at the Red Parrot that I bid them have a good day, know that it be a filthy LIE.

(Aww... hell. Such nice old salts, they were.)

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Tags: pirates (arrrr), talk like a pirate day
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