Anyway! It's storytime again, like I promised, only it's not about my mother, it's another Awesome Tale of Awesome TV Awesomeness. I was working the other day and Sister Girl came home and flopped down and turned on the TV and happened across the Lifetime Television Movies for Women and People Staying Home Sick (or Maybe Just Hungover) Channel, which was having a Nora Roberts marathon. "Heh," she said. "I saw this the other night."
"Is that--Claire Forlani?"
"Oh, Claire Forlani. What happened to you? When was this made? "
"Like, this year. Okay, so Claire Forlani is psychic, and the blonde girl is a country singer--"
And I just started laughing, because I knew at that moment that this would be awesome.
"And Claire Forlani moved away from her family that beat her but now she's back and they're brother and sister--"
"Wait, who's brother and sister?"
"Her and that guy. And her best friend was killed when they were kids, but the guy only killed one of the sisters. And so she kind of has this thing with the town veterinarian, but now she's sleeping with the brother--"
"Wait, she's sleeping with her brother?"
"No! She's sleeping with the sister's brother!"
"Her sister's brother--?"
"NO, the dead best friend's sister's brother! They're all brother and sisters! Except for the one he's sleeping with, who is Claire Forlani!"
"So... wait, who's into the veterinarian?"
Faith, the sister who is the blonde country singer (I think?) is the one who's into the veterinarian, and while we were watching she had some meet cute with the vet, who recruited her to help him operate on a dog (who is the happiest-looking mortally-injured dog ever. "I get a treat after this!"). You know, because she just happened to be in the waiting room with her own puppy. Who was given to her by some guy half-naked in her bed who was talking about how Faith needed to settle down or else let him go. Hey, what happened to that guy, anyway? Because I think she ended up with the vet. Actually, that guy may have been her brother. Wait, no, it couldn't have been her brother, because that would be gross. Everyone is Southern, by the way. (Okay, I walked right into the incest jokes right there, didn't I?) Even Claire Forlani, who actually has what's probably the best accent in the movie. So Claire Forlani is Southern and has no brothers or sisters that I know of and is into Faith's brother Cade (Oliver Hudson, FYI). The dead sister's name is Hope (Hope and Faith! And... Cade? "Her brother's name is Cate?" "No, I think it's Cade. Maybe? Damn our Southern accents"), and apparently she and Claire Forlani were going to sneak out to the woods for... some reason one night when they were kids, but Claire Forlani's murderous hillbilly dad beat her too hard and she couldn't go, which was kind of good because she didn't get killed, but kind of bad because now Hope's mother is still a bitch about it like twenty years later.
So ANYWAY, there's like some really patient serial killer in town who's been killing someone who's the same age as Claire Forlani every year since Hope's death, and apparently it's taken her twenty years to notice, even though her psychicness frequently comes to her in the form of Serial Killer Vision, which is hella unpleasant and shot with a blue filter. I don't know why Faith the country singer is back in town. She seems to not be country-singing anymore. Maybe she saw an ad (WANTED: SPUNKY COMIC RELIEF) or something. So Faith is making her play for the veterinarian, and Claire Forlani is sleeping with Cade ("Could they not have named him, like, Charity or Diligence or something?"), who is not her brother, and her Serial Killer Vision tells her that the Serial Killer is watching them through the window and she gets a little too detailed about what he's doing out there ("EW!!!") and Cade is all like I WILL PROTECT YOU!! except that he doesn't ever seem to be around to protect her. Probably because he has his job or whatever to be at. He's professionally unshirted and dirty, that's all I could tell. So anyway, Claire Forlani has some kind of pottery store and some blonde girl who is not the country singer is there and I can't tell if she's a customer or a coworker, but I kind of think she's a coworker, and Claire Forlani's murderous hillbilly dad shows up with a knife, wanting money and/or to kill Claire Forlani "like I shoulda done when you was born!" and Blonde Maybe Coworker is like, "Uh, I really need a smoke now BYE." So Claire Forlani's murderous hillbilly dad robs the pottery store and knocks Claire Forlani out with the power of his murderous hillbillity, even though there's a gun behind her on the shelf (you know... with the... pottery). This is the first of many times that Sister Girl and I will shout in unison, "Shoot him! WELL, SHOOT HIM!" You know, even though Sister Girl's already seen it once.
And then Claire Forlani's Unhelpful Blonde Coworker turns up dead, which Claire Forlani knows because of her Serial Killer Vision, and then her mother turns up dead as well, and it's pretty obvious (coughmurderouscough) who's behind all of it (coughhillbillycough). Some stuff happens, the one cop in town wants her to stay and be psychic, Claire Forlani wants to run back to the Big City, and Cade talks her out of it with his dirty shirtlessness. And then Claire Forlani's at her house with Faith, and suddenly she's like, "Uh, could you get me that thing? You know, that thing over there, at the other end of the house? I just really need that thing." And Faith's like, "Seriously, are you having an episode or something?" And Claire Forlani's like, HILLBILLY MURDEROSITY, INCOMING! and Faith flibbertigibbets like the wind, leaving Claire Forlani to fend off her father, who this time has thought to bring a gun. Fortunately, Claire Forlani is also packing, which is maybe the only smart thing anyone does in the entire movie, and then Faith shows back up with a tiny, tiny gun, and then Claire Forlani's murderous hillbilly father doesn't shoot anyone ("Shoot him!"), and Faith doesn't shoot anyone ("WELL, SHOOT HIM!!"), and finally Claire Forlani's gun just gets fed up ("SHOOT HIIIIIIIIIIIM") and shoots her father for her, and in the ensuing shrieking and flailing the father gets away. And steals Faith's car. So the two women run outside to watch her crazy, wounded father tear off down the road, and then like five police cars show up because Faith actually did think to call the police while she was fetching her tiny, tiny gun (okay, maybe that's the second smart thing someone does) and the chase is on! And the father nearly hits some other car! And then there's this wide shot of a hillside and a tiny, murderous hillbilly car exploding in a giant fireball. It was fantastic.
So scary killer man go boom, we're done. But wait, there's something like forty minutes left! How can this be? Well, we do have to wind up the whole thing with Cade and Claire Forlani and his bitter rich mom who still hates her for encouraging Hope to get killed, or something. So Cade brings Claire Forlani back to the Family Mansion and Bitter Mom comes downstairs right as he's proposing to her (well, technically he throws an emerald ring at her) and Bitter Mom is all like, "Shall the SHADES of
So, okay, whatever. So Claire Forlani goes out to put marigolds on Hope's memorial out in the Death Woods--but wait! There is... a campfire? With... a marshmallow on a stick (NOT A MARSHMALLOW ON A STICK!). Turns out the young mayor, who used to be The Fat Kid who was friends with the girls has been killing everyone all along, and now he wants to kill Claire Forlani the way he meant to kill her umpteen years ago, except he didn't actually intend to kill her and/or Hope at the time, he just wanted to rape them, but he did kill Hope, so... clearly, if he'd just been a twelve-year-old rapist, that would have made it all okay. And now he wants to recreate the scene (in... broad daylight?) and finish the job, blah blah monologuecakes, but wait! Claire Forlani is having another vision! Sometimes she has visions where Young Hope (well, technically I guess Young Hope is Only Hope, since she never made it past twelve years old), appears and tells her things, and Young Hope says, "Be strong! Sometimes everything you need is right in front of you. Open your eyes!"
"Okay," Sister Girl says, "you gotta watch this, because it's the most awesome thing I've ever seen."
So Claire Forlani and Mayor Fat Kid are tussling on the ground, and she opens her eyes and grabs the first thing she sees and BLINDS HIM WITH THE MARSHMALLOW STICK. But wait! It is Cade! And the chief of police, who apparently also grew up with them, because no one in this town is over the age of thirty-five! Except maybe Bitter Mom, but she's gone to the lake house, QED. So Mayor Fat Kid starts trying to persuade the police guy that Claire Forlani killed and raped everyone, arrest her! All while clutching his gory eye, of course ("She blinded me! I'm bliiiiiiiind!"). And Police Guy's like, "Well, you are the one who stabbed him in the eye, Claire Forlani. I'm going to take him to the hospital and then we'll investigate this" ("I'm dyin' heeeeeere!"), and Cade's like HAVE YOU GOT THE BRAIN WORMS? ("I'M A FUCKIN' S'MOOOORE!"). Whiniest serial killer ever, y'all. "He's the killer! His gun's in the back of his pants under his shirt!" shouts Claire Forlani, adding, "I'm psychic! I would know! " So Mayor Fat Kid pulls out the gun and shoots the police guy in, like, the elbow, because he's smart enough to know that the jig is up now, but not smart enough to aim for vital organs. And he and Cade start wrestling for the gun, so Claire Forlani shrieks, and I am not making this up, "WATCH OUT BEHIND YOU THERE'S A SNAKE!" And that's how Cade gets the gun away from Mayor Fat Kid and saves the day and he and Claire Forlani end up happily ever after: because she plays the OMG LOOK! BEHIND YOU! card. I told you it was awesome.