1) What America needs right now is some famous people in pricey clothes;
2) It's only two hours;
3) My red carpet icons were getting lonely.
On just before the show: "Don't ever let go, Jack!" Here's how you know I'm hormonal at the moment: I actually teared up when Kate Winslet started blowing that damn whistle, and I don't even like that movie. I hear that one's sense of mortality--as opposed to teenage invincibility--sets in about age 25, and I've been a maudlin mess ever since.
Perfunctory two minutes of red carpet crap: "It was an amazing year for performances!" As opposed to, "All the performances were totally crap this year! I don't even know why we're here." Ooo, Viggo Mortensen is swank tonight in a red vest and possibly a shirt, he went by pretty quickly. Angelina Jolie is wearing some kind of brown patchwork off-the-shoulder caftan. Alison Janney looks fab in periwinkle (? I never get the colors right. IT HAPPENS SO FAST). The men need to shave. Marion Cotillard looks amazing in grey (?). Is Cate Blanchett pregnant again, I think? Maternity wear in flowered black.
I'm So-and-So, and I'm an Actor! Sally Field brings us in from the audience. She flung herself off a cliff, or something. "In 1982 I dropped out of school to become a prolonged pain in my parents' ass." Hee! Hey, that was Doug Savant! No, I don't watch enough TV! God knows I spend enough time in front of a computer screen! I kind of dig Ellen Burstyn's gold lame-orange-embroidered number. Sandra Oh is wearing a gigantic red bow. "I used to walk around in my underpants": Hee, Rebecca Romijn. Jane Krakowski (I think?): "I'm Johnny Depp, and I'm an actor." Okay, we should have ended there. Kyle MacLachlan lost me at "riding gigantic worms," and when I stopped laughing, I heard him say, "My card...?" (Hee!) "Screen Actors Guild."
It's Steve Carrell and Tina Fey! Carrell: "Welcome to the most exciting and glamorous evening in THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD." Male actor, drama series: James Gandolfini, correcting the Golden Globes' egregious error of daring to give it to anyone else. No, I'm not a teensy bit sick of The Sopranos, why do you ask?
Nikki Blonsky (in a lovely sapphire blue) and John Travolta, who looks unusually non-bloated. Blah blah chit-chat blah. They're here to talk about Hairspray! I'm still totally horrified by the image of John Travolta in drag. I sat here for five minutes trying to figure out how to explain my horror, because it's not a horror of drag (which is generally awesome and fun) in general, and found myself struggling with Cthulhuian metaphors. Oh look! It's Debra Messing, looking strangled in jeweled gold, and
A MasterCard "minidrama": MasterCard will get you to Paris so that you can bid on your grandfather's violin and get it back to him! Wait--why was it up for auction in the first place? If he needed the money so bad, why didn't you just spot him some cash in the first place? I'm thinking about this too much.
Back in a mo'.