"I just can't deal with this on an empty stomach," I tell my mother conversationally; I'm microwaving leftover pizza and she's doing laundry.
"Who's Miley Cyrus?" she says.
Back to E!. Colin Farrell is classy when asked about filling in for Heath Ledger in The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus : "It's an honor, although it's an honor I wish I didn't have." Hilary Swank is in black Versace. I also saw Ellen Page in black, which means that we are in for the most boring red carpet ever. Amy Adams is taking shit from the commentator chicks because she wore a dark forest green that "probably" looks great in person, but "a real movie star has to think about how these things look on TV." Meanwhile, someone I don't even recognize is modeling a black-tulle-over-cream (I mean, I guess, I'm famously wrong about these things) for the photographers for about five minutes straight. Whoever these two commentator chicks are, I kind of hate them now. Here's Viggo; he's developed quite a thorough beard. Who's he with, his daughter? Aww, someone close to David Cronenberg died and thus he can't be here tonight. Oh, there's Johnny Depp in the background; Vanessa Paradis is wearing... black. So is Penelope Cruz. Seriously, is there a meeting? Do these people all get together two months in advance and decide what to wear? Were they all caught unawares because they didn't realize the strike would end and we'd actually have a show?
Oh, and by the way: Marion Cotillard looks fabulous in a fish-scaled white something or other. I am now rooting for her to win Best Actress.
Katherine Heigl in RED! RED! THANK GOD! AN ACTUAL PIGMENT! I forgive her for the matronly hair. Cate Blanchett is lovely in a navy blue maternity halter dress with some beautiful glittery detailing at the hem. Renee Zellweger looks great in silver and I am totally rooting for her to spontaneously nominate herself for something and win. Heidi Klum and Anne Hathaway also have shown up in red--so red and black, is what we're looking at.
Over to ABC for the official red carpet. Oh God, who was that in black? STOP WITH THE BLACK. If you're going to go black, I demand that you go Cher. Speaking of wacky, I deeply, deeply hope that Helena Bonham Carter shows up with Tim Burton to support Johnny Depp. Here's Regis (gah), Shaun Robinson in green (I shall tolerate you) and some other ABC chick in BLACK? BLACK? Please tell me Tilda Swinton will be attending. She'll rock the carpet! She'll Bjork it up completely, she'll save us all! Here's George Clooney and Sarah Larsen (is that the name?). She's wearing a lovely blue and pink floral dress that I hope to have someday as wallpaper for my bedroom. Clooney wants to know if Notre Dame won, and Regis is thoroughly confused. Heh.
Shaun Robinson has Marion Cotillard; her fish dress is Gaultier. "Edith Piaf died!" blurts out Shaun. Why... yes. Yes, she did. "... before you were born!" she finally spits out. You know who I want to see in a movie together? Possibly as sisters? Cotillard and Eva Green. POW. Here's John Travolta and... okay, Kelly Preston, I wanted color; I don't know that I wanted atomic tangerine. Laura Linney! I love your necklace! It's really wearable and non-blingy! I forgive you for wearing black! Here's Javier Bardem, looking foxy--what would that be in Spanish? Zorroso? I'm making that up. Unless it already exists and means something profane, I'm sure. "How did you find the darkness in this character?" "Well, everything was there in the boog," he says. God bless. You throw me out there in Spain, I'd make a laughingstock of myself trying to talk to people. Respect.
Jessica Alba is boobtastic in sort of a feathery plum--isn't she pregnant? That at least explains the extreme boobularity. Here's Helen Mirren in red with silver (diamond?) sleeves; there's Faye Dunaway in a surprisingly chic gold. "You know, I'm playing a madam, you know, in a whorehouse, in Nevada," says Helen Mirren. No... no, I did not know that. Here's Daniel Day-Lewis (hereafter to be called DDL, for the sake of my fingers) and his wife Rebecca Miller who is WHOA so much older than I thought she was. Like, twenty years older. I have no idea how old I thought she was or why. Also, she is probably wearing the most interesting ("interesting") dress so far. Red at the shoulders, sort of a rhinestone-flower detailing at the top. It's... just this side of working. Here's Cameron Diaz in a pale, pale drapey pink. It may be just on the other side of working. Here's Amy Adams in her Bad Movie Star, Bad! green dress. It even has a cute little belt detail! Her hair looks great! STFU, E!.
The Oldest Bleacher Fan is wearing yellow. See, she knows the score.
(Regis, stop talking to bleacher fans! What the hell?)
TILDA SWINTON IS WEARING SIMPLE BLACK. I FEEL SO INCREDIBLY BETRAYED.