Oh, wow, here's Regis backstage with all the dancers from "That's How You Know," and I'm telling you, they have a small town back there. I haven't seen the movie yet (this will be my refrain over the course of the evening), so I wasn't expecting half a dozen brides, y'all. "And now, I'm going to talk to conductor Bill Conti! Back to you, Boring Chick in Black!" "And now, here's Regis talking to conductor Bill Conti! Back to you, Regis!" said BCB. Wait, what? Regis is now on the stage--you can hear his mike echoing back and forth--and no one in the audience blinks an eye. Awww, there goes Cate Blanchett waddling over to--Nicole Kidman? Someone's wearing a vivid purple--was that Diablo Cody?
I'm going to watch this rather than even attempt to transcribe it (as I say every year, and then proceed to transcribe it), but I'm sure it'll turn up on YouTube in about fifteen minutes. Here we go: a CG landscape of everything effectsy that has ever been in a movie. It's really, really fake. Oh, but it's the EIGHTIETH OSCARRRRS, YOU GUYS. Try not to make it suck. Here's Stewart--does he... have a satin stripe down the side of his pants? Really? The writers' strike is over! Let us all applaud! "Welcome," he says, "welcome... to the makeup sex." Woe unto the canceled Vanity Fair Oscar party, "out of respect for the writers." "You know how they could show some respect to the writers? INVITE THEM TO THE VANITY FAIR OSCAR PARTY. Don't worry! They won't mingle!" He seems much more confident this year, because he pissed them all off two years ago, and they still invited him back. He talks about how grim all the movies are this year--"Does Hollywood need a hug? All I can say is, thank God for teen pregnancy." He singles out Javier Bardem and his character's "Hannibal Lecter murderousness combined with Dorothy Hamill's wedge cut." Ohhhh, snap--a Julie Christie/Alzheimer's joke about Hillary Clinton wishing she could forget her husband. "Even Norbit got a nomination. Too often, the Academy ignores movies that aren't good." Dennis Hopper is here, he notes. "I only mention that so that Dennis Hopper knows where he is." He then mentions Diablo Cody, who went from stripping to screenwriting--"Enjoy the paycut!" That was not Cody in the purple, btw; she is wearing something altogether quirkier. Movies about Iraq: "If we stay the course and keep them in the theaters, we can get through this! Withdrawing will only embolden the audiences!" Speaking of politics: "Have you taken the time to learn about all the candidates, study their positions, and choose the Democrat you'll be voting for?" Hee. I like it when he rags the Hollywood liberal crowd. And then there's a "Gaydolf Titler" joke that you'll just have to hear to appreciate.
First up! No dumbass montages or host-insert videos! Whee! Here's Jennifer Garner with costume design WHOA SLOW DOWN! Awww, they just show sketches. Actually having the costumes on stage last year was one of the reasons the show was AWESOME. Yay! Alexandra Byrne wins her first for Elizabeth: The Golden Age! I would have liked to see Colleen Atwood win for Sweeney Todd, but let's face it, this is very often the Most Costume award. Also, that very first dress Blanchett wears in the first Elizabeth (which Byrne also did), the blue-green one with the red drapey stole thing, is one of my most favoritest costumes ever. Aww, she thanks Cate and Shekhar Kapur and then the speech is pretty much over. Wow, that was quick.