Here's the Actor Formerly Known as The Rrrrrock with Best Visual Effects. The Rock was traumatized by Raiders of the Lost Ark as a child. Ah, weren't we all. Nominated: The Golden Compass, POTC3, and Transformers. YAY GOLDEN COMPASS! See? I've learned my lesson! I don't cheer for anyone in advance anymore! "We just wanna say THANK YOU!" shout the FX winners. People we don't know in the audience are emotional, which probably sums up every technical award ever given.
"Please welcome! Cate Blanchett!" In the audience, Calista Flockhart is wearing pale blue next to Harrison Ford. They felt you needed to know that, I guess. Art Direction! I am studiously not cheering for anyone. YAY SWEENEY TODD! Oh my God, it's totally working, y'all! I am controlling the Oscars with the power of my mind. The Sweeney Todd folks are very happy and Italian, and it's kind of hilarious when Conti starts trying to play them offstage, because he can't do it softly--"DUN! DUN DUN DUNNNN!"
Jon Stewart takes a moment out to apppreciate Cate Blanchett, who "cannot be stopped!" You may not know this, he says, but she also played the pit bull in No Country for Old Men and is, in fact, playing him right now.
Best Supporting Actor! We are flying, y'all. Is it because they just didn't have time to write anything annoying? The first montage we've really had this evening, and it's nothing but Best Supporting Actors Through the Ages. Of course they have to play The Cuba Gooding Jr. Clip. I swear, these people just have macros set up--all they have to do is type in "The Cuba Gooding Jr. Clip" or "The Adrien Brody Clip" and bam!, it's in the montage.
You know, I was actually wondering for a moment who might win this one, because I forgot that it's the Javier Barden Award. Silly rabbit. I wonder if I could make someone totally random win with just the power of my mind. If--uh, hmm. Let's say Casey Affleck--wins, you'll know that IT WAS ME.
Javier Bardem wins. (Okay, I wasn't trying very hard.) "I have to speak fast here, man!" he says. He thanks his mother, her grandparents, her parents, someone else, someone else, someone else, and Spain in Spanish. He has a very nice, clear accent; I just couldn't keep up with him. Man, that was a fast speech. Are the producers holding winners' loved ones hostage or something?