My mother really wanted to see this--she is the kind of moviegoer for whom "From the director of Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow! " is a distinct enticement--so I went with her, mostly because I'd heard it was frickin' awful but since it's the big movie this weekend, and pretty much the biggest thing coming out all month, I wanted to know what everyone would be talking about on Monday. You know, kind of like those old How Hot Is It? jokes--"It's sooooo awful!"_"How awful is it??"_"It's SOOOO AWFUL that it's the kind of movie where the Clan of the Dread People has a weirdly inconsistent ethnic mix--a white dude, a black kid, a Jamaican lady and a New Zealander, for starters. Itty bitty gene pool, great big ethnic diversity: if you say so, man. It's also the kind of movie where the hero is named Delay, leading to people screaming 'DELAYYYYYY!' over and over. Also, a mentor dude named, and I looked this one up, 'Tic'Tic' (he's the Kiwi). Also, it took me forever to realize that Delay's warrior rival was not named Corinne. It's the kind of movie where Delay, Corinne and Tic Tac cross the Great Snowy Mountains where their people live off, like, a single yearly infusion of mammoth meat, and realize that HOLY SHIT, THERE'S A JUNGLE RIGHT HERE! A jungle with... giant raptor ostriches? And then hey! There's Africa like, right there! And many tribes of stern, brave Africans who are thrilled because The White Dude of Prophecy has come to tell them what to do! FINALLY! Their women and children were kidnapped and taken away--they're able to give specific directions as to where--but man, they just really didn't know what to do about it. Sit here and draw The White Dude of Prophecy on some more cave walls, I guess. But hey! He's here now, and he can lead them across this giant desert, even though he doesn't have any better idea of where they're going than they do, and no one's invented the word for 'star' yet, so it takes them like half an hour to figure out that they're all talking about the same 'light that doesn't move' to navigate with. And all of this happens because Evil Arabic Slavers came on horses (wait, horses?) and stole Camilla Belle, Delay's Woman, away, but then Evil Arabic Slaver in Chief falls in love with her, and he tries to keep her for himself instead of letting the Not-Egyptians make her build pyramids (with... WOOLLY MAMMOTHS?), and this pisses off the Not-Actually-Almighty, who wishes he was as fierce as Xerxes. Xerxes would take one look at this fool and tell him right out, bitch, that floor-length veil is so five eons ago. Get the hell out with those tacky, broke-ass gold nails! You can't rule people as a false god unless you are willing to get out there on that 24-karat parade float and WORK IT. So it's the kind of movie where the Big Bad is pretty subpar and dies pretty instantly in a spear-throwing scene ripped directly from 300, and someone on the hero's side got sacrificed earlier on (note: shoving someone off a half-built pyramid: really, really lazy method of human sacrifice) and I was supposed to feel sad but I didn't because I had no idea which of the Dread People he was, and even Camilla Belle dies but then her Fairy Godmammoth comes and restores her, yea verily, because the Jamaican Priestess Lady back in the snow mountains gives Camilla Belle her last breath. Telepathically. Something. And then the Ice Age is over and everyone touches foreheads soulfully and plants corn. You think I'm shitting you, but let me tell you, I am so not even. I haven't even told you about the part where Delay says to a tiger, 'YOU HAD SO BETTER NOT EAT ME IF I SET YOU FREE.' And the tiger doesn't. It's that awful." But you know what? It didn't make me angry, and I didn't want my money back... much. Also, "Evolet" is actually kind of a pretty name. I don't know that I'd give it any thumbs up... maybe, like, a thumbnail. If you go see a matinee. At a dollar theater. Three months from now. Or you really, really like woolly mammoths. Hey, it's your call.