Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones
cleolinda

  • Mood:

Friday night, so busy

Been having a psychological crisis the last few weeks--wow, that sounds a lot more dire than it actually is. What I'm actually getting at is that I'm at a stage of Black Ribbon where I am basically looking for things to psych myself out about. My first anxiety topic was Omg, If My Research Is Not Thorough to the Point of Dullness, The Historian Equivalent of the Comic Book Guy Is Going to Start Blogging About How Much I Suck. (It got to the point where I was seriously considering starting the story with the subtitle "Londinium, 1889," just to signify HOW VERY, VERY ALTERNATE-UNIVERSE the story is. I still have not completely dissuaded myself on that one, except that "Londinium" would get hella cumbersome in repeated use.) Now that I'm feeling a bit more comfortable in my research, I obviously need something else to panic about--in this case, that the finished book will not be the fulfillment of all my hopes and dreams. Every time I see a book review, I start to think, "Oh, God, my book could never be even half that good." Every time I hear about a book award (mostly sci-fi/fantasy awards): "Oh, God, my book could never win one of those." Or, even better, every time I see an author on TV, my first thought is usually, "Oh God, I wouldn't be able to go on TV! I look terrible!" The subtext is, of course, that I do want the book to be that good. You know, the way you aspire to things. Notice, by the way, that both of these general concerns assume the book is finished, which it so totally is not, and are therefore the very definition of "borrowing trouble." More to the point, they make me too anxious to finish, which is, I suspect, their true, self-sabotaging purpose.

What I have to sit back and remember every now and then is that everything I've ever succeeded at in my life, I did so because I started doing it for fun. This is not the same thing as saying, "If it's not fun, you shouldn't bother doing it." What I'm saying is that, for me personally, the best and truest things in my life came to be because I was doing them for the love of the thing itself. Hard work is fine, and I dig that too; but the moment I start calculating about how it might effect people or what I could gain from it, or even how it's going to effect my own life in general, it falls to pieces. Which is unfortunate, because you do have to "calculate" how you intend to earn a living, you know? But there's just a point where, if I personally am not living in the moment of enjoying the thing itself, I get tangled up in my own panic and fall down. Movies in Fifteen Minutes was great--as long as I was doing it on the spur of the moment. The red-hot second that I announce one in advance, I can't follow through. I can't look ahead, I can't even daydream--not about my own future, anyway. It's like some kind of zen thing--I have to exist only within the doing of the thing itself, I can't plan or calculate, or I can't do it. It's not the savviest way to go through life, which is why I'm trying to be clear that it's not something I'm recommending.

But when I get on another navel-gazing anxiety track, I think it's important to remember precisely that--to remember that thinking about the future, about the real-world effect of anything I do on myself or anyone else, any kind of "glamorous life" daydream, just stifles me. I can't do it, and if I am doing it, I have to stop. I'm writing this because I love writing, and because I love writing this story in particular. I'm writing this for me, and for a handful of people who have already read the beginning of the story in an embryonic form, and so I can get enough money to keep my head above water, and so I can then sit back down and write another one, and another one. A couple thousand people, if I'm lucky, might like the book. There won't be any awards or interviews or conventions to worry about. Finishing this book is not going to change anything. That's all there is to it, because it's the truth, and I keep having to tell myself that.

Massive catchup linkspam:

Scienos go after LA Anon by getting him arrested--and killing his cat Mudkips. Because that's going to convince 6000 angry hacktivists to go home. And it's not the first time they've gone after people's pets, either. Also: An excellent article on the Scientology protests from Radar Online; Rick Astley thinks rickrolling is "bizarre and funny" (here's a second interview. Man, he seems like good people).

Deaths: Arthur C. Clarke; Paul Scofield; Richard Widmark.

Anderson Cooper says he has skin cancer.

State of Alabama to Gamble Pensions on Your Willingness to Pay $35 For a Movie. *facepalm*

Obama related to Pitt, Clinton to Jolie.

Security lapse exposes Facebook photos.

Dr Pepper issues challenge to Guns N' Roses.

Creepy Gnome is a fake. Yes, but what is it, then? And why is it sidling?

Stingray kills woman on boat in Fla. Okay, I know this is an old story by now, but IT JUMPED OUT OF THE WATER AND HIT HER IN THE FACE AND THEY BOTH DIED! IT HAD A WINGSPAN OF 5-6 FEET! Jesus, if that jumped out at me I would have died instantly from sheer terror.

Leader: 'I eat this fruit without any fear.' I EAT IT UP!

Cigarette Company Paid for Lung Cancer Study.

Facebook gets entangled in Middle East conflict.

Fake Editors’ Names on Rejection Letters.

Splenda replaces sugar in the new 'Sweet Valley High' series.

Attn all skanky, clothing-averse coeds: this is why you don't want to be in a Girls Gone Wild video.

Bench warrant issued for Shia LaBeouf. For... smoking?

U.S. won't let flamboyant British author in. "Moral turpitude"?

Esquire journalist gets George Clooney to watch "2 Girls, 1 Cup."

No more 'Top Model' for Tyra Banks? I'm embarrassed that my initial reaction to this was panic.

ABC says that four-toed Lost statue was too weird; LOLLost: Srsly, Guiz, Dis Izland Is Weeerd.

Children of Men: The Series.

Science fiction authors offer unusual Homeland Security Advice; Automated Science Fiction Convention Finder; Google Maps of Sci-Fi; A Board Game Even Cthulhu Could Love; Postapocalyptic Images Made Out of Food; The Dardenbahst - A Glimpse Into A Lego Steampunk World; Happy Air Kraken Day!; Clockpunk Motorcycle Sculptures; "Wikihistory," a short story about time-travel.

PSP Worried about Slutty New Pony Rivals; More Pictures of the Wonderful New My Little Slutty Pony Toys. I don't have enough DO NOT WANT for this.

trailer_spot: Darjeeling Limited, No Country for Old Men, Band's Visit (reviews); Mamma Mia!, Deception, Death Defying Acts, Standard Operating Procedure, Children of Huang Shi.

New images: Prince Caspian; The Wolfman; The Dark Knight; Hancock (photos and website); Incredible Hulk; Forbidden Kingdom; X-Files 2 poster; Speed Racer; Iron Man; Indiana Jones; The Fall; WALL•E; Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince. Also: First Look: Johnny Depp as John Dillinger in 'Public Enemies.' Man, the painting in this guy's attic must be hideous, because I don't know that he's aged a day in the last twenty years. And then: Cinefex Cloverfield Photos. It's all over: here are hi-res effects shot of the monster. Nothing left to hide. And they still give me the wig. Also, I can now make a proper "NOM NOM NOM" icon.

New Half-Blood Prince Set Teaser Report Mentions Slughorn's Christmas Party; Cheryl Klein, Tamora Pierce to Speak at Terminus; Maggie Smith Diagnosed with Cancer; Prognosis "looks good"; Bridge Used in Potter Filming for Platform 9 3/4 to be destroyed by Muggles?; Programming Schedule for Accio 2008 Announced; Report: Rupert Grint Filming Quidditch Scenes for "Half-Blood Prince"; College Quidditch Gains Media Coverage.

Ledger's passing stokes Joker mania; Joker could be biggest posthumous role; Updates on The Dark Knight's Viral Marketing - New Gotham Times Released!; We Reveal The Ending Of Batman: The Dark Knight [Morning Spoilers]; Maggie Gyllenhaal Promises She's Not Katie Holmes ("Obviously it's better Gyllenhaal is bringing a different performance to the role, but part of me wishes she had, as she suggested, tried to imitate Holmes' performance. I'm just curious how she'd go about it. I imagine it being something like an hour-long shrug--both impressive and incredibly boring").

Rotten Tomatoes Talks to Ben Barnes; Two More Video Clips of Ben Barnes; Adamson/Gregson-Williams on the Prince Caspian Score.

A 'Wolfman' Producer Spills a Few Secrets.

'Star Wars' Fans Call for 'Superhero Movie' Boycott; George Lucas Talks 'Indiana Jones,' Says "It's Just a Movie ..." Well, good luck telling my mother that.

‘Speed Racer’ Is Like ‘Nothing You’ve Ever Seen Before,’ Promises Hirsch.

Sir Ian McKellen Says He WILL Return as Gandalf in 'The Hobbit.'

Another Shaky 'X-Files 2' Teaser Trailer; Find Out What Scares Scully In X-Files 2; Carter Offers X-Files Spoilers. If the word "Samantha" is in there at all, I will run screaming the other way.

Scoop: Tom Cruise joining 'Star Trek' cast; Simon Pegg Says He’s Signed On For Three ‘Star Trek’ Films - So Why Did He Almost Say ‘No’?; More 'Star Trek' From Simon Pegg!

Trippiest Twilight Zone Episode Becomes A Movie.

Hugh Jackman is 'Nowhere Man'; Marshall Directing Jackman in 'Drive'; Hugh Jackman and Ewan McGregor Get Dirty In "Deception."

Dennis Quaid and Kate Walsh Join Paul Bettany's 'Legion.'

Maria Bello to Replace Maggie Gyllenhaal in 'Pippa Lee.'

Leo DiCaprio Set to Star in Ridley Scott's 'The Low Dweller.'

Gary Oldman to Star in 'Rain Fall.'

Paul Giamatti Is Back with Clive Owen for 'Duplicity.'

Anton Yelchin To Play 'Terminator's' Kyle Reese -- and Paul Haggis Doing Script Work?

John Krasinski’s Next Project A Work Of 'Staggering Genius.'

Henry Cavill Joins Woody Allen's New NYC Comedy.

Whitaker Addresses ‘Wild Things’ Re-Shoots, Says Kids Can Handle Jonze’s Vision. Wait, Whitaker is a Wild Thing? That's kind of awesome.

Lohan is One of 'Manson's Girls.'

Ashley Greene Confirms New ‘Twilight’ Casting, Accessorizing With Fans.

Minghella's Final Film Draws Big Ratings in U.K.; Kapur Directing Minghella's 'New York' Piece.

Serious Actors Join Stone's 'W'; Elizabeth Banks Cast as Laura Bush in Oliver Stone's Biopic?

Pirates of the Caribbean Writers Hired for Bruckheimer's Lone Ranger Next.

Zac Efron and Orlando Bloom battling it out for Prince of Persia lead? I'm not really seeing the competition here. Bloom's already worked with Bruckheimer on, what, four movies? He's been in two of the biggest trilogies of all time? Zac Efron was in a couple of Disney Channel musicals, and his face looks like it melted?

Is Jodie Foster Bringing ‘Flora Plum’ Back From The Dead?; Nim Cut Fantasy Characters; Nim's Foster Kissed With A Seal. Ah, I see what you did thar, headline writer!

Three-Disc 'Casino Royale' DVD Coming In June 2008. *pets director commentary*

'World War Z' Gets an Early Script Review.

Find Out Why Klaatu Is Visiting This Time Around [Morning Spoilers].

'American Teen' documentary poster inspired by 'Breakfast Club.' "Imitates exactly" might be a more accurate description. It's kind of impressive, really.

Outlandish Oscar Rules Force Film Arguing For Polanski's Exoneration To Wait for Cable TV.

Review: 'Chapter 27' adds nothing to Lennon story.

Sacha Baren Cohen's Bruno On the Loose in Kansas?; 'Bruno' Terrorizing Kansas with Flamboyancy.

Sweded Lord of the Rings; Sweded Jurassic Park.

Bosworth too drunk to remember '21' love scene.

Ryan Phillippe Recalls Missing Out On Anakin Role In 'Star Wars' Prequels.

The 'Fanboys' Situation Gets Real Nasty.

Dude, THAT'S your plot? (Vol. 2): Dolph Lundgren's 'Command Performance.'

Zombie Strippers Will Lapdance On Your Grave.

The Hater: Eddie Murphy Is Just Fucking With Us Now.


Site Meter
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 49 comments
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →