Chapter 1: Bella whines about the Cullens throwing her a fabulous birthday party, because now she's ONE YEAR OLDER OMG than Edward. Already I want to kick her unappreciative punk ass.
And had Emmett always been so. . . big? Yes, he has, Bella. Because you mentioned it every single time you mentioned his name in the first book.
Alice is cool, though. Can Alice throw me an awesome birthday party? I promise I won't paper-cut myself or anything.
Chapter 2: Carlisle and Esme's birthday present is plane tickets for Edward and Bella to visit her mother. In Florida. You people are IDIOTS.
Chapter 3: "I love the scrapbook you gave me, Mom! And here is a picture of my vampire boyfriend watching ESPN."
Also, Edward is a douche. I mean, obviously he's breaking up with Bella for her own good and lying to her and blah blah emocakes. But now we have to listen to Bella angst for 3,293,487 pages. Don't you ever think about us, Edward? Our suffering?
Several Blank Pages Marked With the Names of Months: Well, at least Bella is thinking of our suffering.
Chapter 4: I'd been careful to avoid all forms of moroseness, moping included. Oh, I highly doubt that. Also, I hope the Twilight Moms are talking to their daughters about the role models set forth in this book. "Honey, I know it hurts when Robert Sparkleson breaks up with you, but in real life, you're going to have to deal with it. Attempted suicide by thug is not healthy."
Chapter 5: This is where I started skimming. Hard. You've heard of porn without plot (PWP)? I read these books for sparkle without plot (SWP). WHERE IS MY SPARKLING?
"Hi, Jacob! I was wondering if you could help me commit suicide by motorcycle? I'll never get this thing up and killing me by myself."
Chapter 6: Where are my lulz? My sparkly, sparkly lulz? MY TWINKIE HAS GONE BAD. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY COULD DO THAT.
Both boys went to examine Jacob's project, drilling him with educated questions. Many of the words they used were unfamiliar to me, and I figured I'd have to have a Y chromosome to really understand the excitement. Because girrrrrrrls can't enjoy awesome things like motorcycles. Unless they're trying to kill themselves.
Also, the chapter is titled "Cheater," because Bella is cheating on her promise not to get dead, but clearly it also refers to her burgeoning relationship with Jacob. I SEE WHAT U DID THAR.
Oh, good, Lauren's still a bitch. THANKS.
Also, when do we find out that Jacob is a werewolf? It's been blatantly foreshadowed since the first book, don't lie.
Chapter 7: "God, boys asking me out again."
"I KNOW! SUICIDE BY CLIFF-DIVING! THAT'LL TOTALLY BRING EDWARD BACK!"
"Yeah," he agreed, looking up at me with troubled eyes. "He looks at me like he's waiting for something. . . like I'm going to join his stupid gang someday. He pays more attention to me than any of the other guys. I hate it." And so begins the wolfening!
Chapter 8: As I began to loosen my grip, I was shocked to be interrupted by a voice that did not belong to the boy standing next to me. "This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella," the velvet voice fumed. YAY MY LULZ ARE BACK!
You know, Jacob's a nice kid, but I cannot support Jacob/Bella. Jacob/Bella does not convulse me with laughter and sparkly goodness. He's far too good and normal for her. Notice how she can't even pay attention to him? It's because she's exactly like Cathy Earnshaw--she can't function unless she's got Heathcliff to bounce her angst off. (Have I ever told you my theory that Wuthering Heights is not romance but actually horror, about two emotional sadomasochists who lay waste to everyone around them, using them as pawns in their own personal war of attrition? Because, I mean... that's pretty much the whole theory. ~The More You Know~)
Chapter 9: I was like a lost moon--my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation--that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity. Wow, I sure want my theoretical daughter to think of herself as a satellite to a man.
"Gah, I have a date with two boys instead of a group date to cockblock that guy who's liked me from chapter one, book one. My life is so harrrrrd."
I sighed. "You shouldn't waste [your time] on me," I said, though I wanted him to. Oh, of all the selfish, passive-aggressive fuckwittery...
Also, Jacob's got a fever of a hundred and werewolf, I think. Also-also: Billy is a big-ass hypocrite if he wants Bella to stay away from Edward but he's totes okay with her dating a werewolf.
Chapter 10: Hey! It's Laurent! He's that other OH SHIT IT'S LAURENT! OH WAIT! EDWARD WILL TOTALLY SWOOP IN AND SAVE HER YAYS!
Oh... hi, Jacobwolf.
I am seriously beginning to doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion, Edward.
Chapter 11: He's a WEREWOLF, BELLA. Do we need to get Snape in here to get it through your head?
Chapter 12: WEREWOOOOOOOOOOOLF.
Chapter 13: God, FINALLY. "Well, I'm so sorry that I can't be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I'm just not as great as a bloodsucker, am I?" Well, maybe you should try sparkling, Jacob.
"I wasn't supposed to tell you our secret, for one thing, but the other part is that it's not safe for you. If I get too mad. . . too upset. . . you might get hurt." JACOB SMASH LAURENT! JACOB SMASH BELLA IF PUNY GIRL MAKE BIG STRONG MAN MAD!
Chapter 14: EXPLODING WEREWOLVES. Hallelujah, the lulz have returned!
Okay, the werewolves taking bets on whether Bella's gonna horf is genuinely funny.
Interesting difference between vampires and werewolves re: the women who love them: Vampire danger is sexy. Werewolf danger is disfiguring. Guess we know who Bella's gonna end up with!
Chapter 15: Last spring break, I'd been hunted by a vampire, too. I hoped this wasn't some kind of tradition forming. No, that's the Harry Potter books you're thinking of.
So... is Jacob also going to be shirtless most of the time in the New Moon movie? I'm just asking.
She complained lightly about the increase in the boys' appetites from all their extra running, but it was easy to see she didn't mind taking care of them. It wasn't hard to be with her--after all, we were both wolf girls now. Again, I sure want my theoretical daughter to define herself by what kind of man she's with.
Also, we seriously need to sit Bella down with a DVD of Heathers. Teenage Suicide, Bella. Don't Do It.
Chapter 16: Oh, good. We hadn't gotten in our quota of strong men carrying Bella around yet.
Would it be so wrong to try to make Jacob happy? Even if the love I felt for him was no more than a weak echo of what I was capable of, even if my heart was far away, wandering and grieving after my fickle Romeo, would it be so very wrong? I swear to God, Bella, if you try to take up Jacob out of pity, since it's obvious that Edward's going to come back and you're going to drop Jacob like a rock, I'm going to invent a way to reach into this book and pimp-slap you.
("Bye, Bella," he called back over his shoulder. "I really hope you don't die." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.)
YAY! THE SPARKLY ASSHAT CAME BACK!
Chapter 17: Aww, different sparkler. Still, Alice is cool.
She rolled her eyes. "He was a fool to think you could survive alone. I've never seen anyone so prone to life-threatening idiocy." I told you Alice was cool.
Chapter 18: STOP WITH THE SUICIDE ATTEMPTS, YOU TWO! I UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR LOVE IS A LOVE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN LOVED BEFORE!
If Edward turns out to be in Verona, I'm going to stab someone.
I snorted in disgust. "I almost get myself killed on a daily basis! Tell me what I need to do!" Okay, Bella's clumsiness is beyond a token Mary Sue character flaw now. We're up to "self parody" by this point.
(Jacob, give up. Also, any guys somehow reading this: sometimes, girls get fixated on guys, to the point where they'll drop whatever they're doing, whoever they're with, to run to them. Give up on those girls. If they can't collect themselves and make that choice to stay with you, they're not ready to treat you with any kind of respect. I'm saying this from an observer's experience here.)
Chapter 19: "Actually, Bella. . . " She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. "Honestly, I think it's all gotten beyond ridiculous. I'm debating whether to just change you myself." Y'all, Alice is totally sick of all the angst too. DO IT! DO IT! CHUG! CHUG!
Aaaaand we're recommitted to Sparkle Motion... in the capital vampire city, at noon, on the biggest vampire holiday. Oh, Edward, you drama queen. This does give me hope for sparkling in the first movie, though--I'd heard rumors that they wouldn't do it, but they'll have to for the second movie to make any sense.
"Okay, Bella! Saving Edward and possibly all of vampirekind depends on you NOT BEING CLUMSY for thirty seconds--oh, fuck, we're doomed."
Chapter 20: Omg, Edward thinks they're both dead. And then he starts quoting Shakespeare. I nearly woke the entire house up laughing. Also, I am totally ending all declarations, descriptions and explanations from now on with "In summary, she did jump off a cliff."
Chapter 21: This is totally going to end with the Volturi deciding that Edward and Bella get to live because their luv is so twu, isn't it?
"I love a happy ending." Aro sighed. "They are so rare. But I want the whole story." [...] "Marcus, Caius, look!" Aro crooned. "Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't that wonderful?" *headdesk*
"Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours." That's a POWER? What, is this like the X-Men where they started running out of shit and gave Dazzler the power of, like, disco or some shit? Ah, but they gave "little Jane" the Jedi power of tasering people with her mind. Nice.
("Ha, ha, ha," Aro chortled again. "You're very brave, Edward, to endure in silence. I asked Jane to do that to me once--just out of curiosity." I think Aro may be my new favorite character. He's like some dotty old wizard out of Harry Potter or something.)
"But your restraint, Edward! It's amazing! Colossal! It must be almost as hard as it is for teenagers not to have sex! WHICH THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE, BY THE WAY."
(Edward put the long cloak on, leaving the hood down. Aro sighed. "It suits you." Okay, now I'm just getting a Dumblegay vibe.)
Chapter 22: "I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her," Alice suggested. OMG I LOVE YOU ALICE.
Oh, thank God, we're back to the sparkly mush. I can't believe it took this book twenty-two chapters to get to the gratuitous gooey vampire romance. Honestly! What do you think I'm reading these books for?
Chapter 23: I'll tell you exactly what the hook behind this chapter is: the low self-esteem of the teenage girl. "I knew you could never have loved me, because I am ordinary and plain and clumsy!" "No! You are beautiful and special and adorably clumsy!" Also, it's kind of pissing me off that Edward's mad that she won't believe him now. "What? I just told you a gigantic, sadistic lie that rendered you catatonic for six months! Why are you not believing a single word I say now?"
"You could mean it. . . now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?" That's right, Bella! You tell him--
OH MY GOD, BELLA, SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT TURNING THIRTY AND "GETTING ALL OLD."
Chapter 24: "All in favor of turning me into a vampire so I'll shut the fuck up?" *unanimous*
"Shh," I interrupted him. "Hold on a second. I think I'm having an epiphany here." Give her a moment, Edward, she doesn't have a lot of these. "Oh! Okay! You love me!" *FACEPALM*
SHE WANTS TO BE A VAMPIRE BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GET MARRIED? IT'S NOT HIGH ON HER LIST OF PRIORITIES? SHE'S TOTALLY COOL WITH BEING A VAMPIRE FOREVER BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GET MARRIED? "I'm only eighteen" BUT SHE WANTS TO DIE? I DON'T--WHAT--AUGH?
I am so stunned by Bella's bizarro double standards that I don't even have time to deal with the shitty way she treats her father. *head desk desk desk*
"If you stay, I don't need heaven." The fundies get upset about Harry Potter but not THIS?
I wasn't sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after? I just... I don't even have any words for this.
"How could Jacob be so meeeeen to me? I mean, I just tore his heart up into itty bitty pieces! He's gonna rat out my deathcycle for that?"
SHE HAS THE NERVE TO ASK HIM TO STILL BE HER FRIEND?!? AA;SDLKFJASDJKJA;LSFKJHGASFASDLKFJ;
WELL NOW I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO READ THE NEXT BOOK.
I swear the next entry will be linkspam of some sort. After I pick the bits of my brain off the walls and shove them back in through my ears.
(More Twilight recaps.)