Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones

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Feeling a bit better

So. lizoraveriam linked to a few helpful programs, and you know what caused the most visible improvement? CCleaner. It got rid of a bunch of cruft left behind by uninstalled programs--I don't know if that solved the problem, as it also sounded very likely that the Charter software was buggy and possibly causing a memory leak, but I haven't been able to find evidence of the wifi itself taking/using up all that much space. So basically, I'm going to leave the computer on--I used to turn it off maybe every week or two, whether it needed it or not, but let it run otherwise. (Okay, answer this debate for me: better to turn the computer off daily or leave it on? I had been told it was better to leave it on, as the shutting down and rebooting was what used it up and "aged" it, or however you want to put it. That's why I'd been leaving it on, at any rate--I've done that with all my computers over the years, and they've all kept on trucking until an actual virus brought one down.) Anyway, after the wifi software was installed, it kept crashing or saying it didn't have enough quota, etc., etc., so I'd turn it off a couple of times a day this past week to try to prevent that. So what I'm saying now is I'm gonna let the computer run on wild and free until it crashes, if it crashes, to see if the quota problem has been resolved. Because, if nothing happens the rest of the week, we're obviously back to normal. And if it does crash, I have a couple of diagnostic programs I can look at now to see what the problem might be.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my grandmother is fine. She's pulled a ligament under her knee really badly--we were hoping she'd actually torn it, because then she would have surgery and it'd all be over faster (which was my mother's experience with a torn ligament). But no, just pulled. They ended up keeping her at the hospital because there was just no way she could get along at home, so she's had an excellent private room and she's going into physical therapy now, possibly at a center very close to our house. (Apparently she has magical insurance, I don't know.) Running back and forth fetching things for her has really worn my mother down, though, and the neuropathy in her (my mother's) feet has really suffered from that nine-hour stint standing in the ER. And of course I got all emo when my grandmother first went into the hospital, because I get anxious about other people's mortality--and because I like to borrow trouble, I started randomly worrying about my mother dying, and how I'm too young to be the head of the family, the lead generation, omg I will never be old enough, you can't put me in charge, omgggggg.

I don't know how to fix this, but I have this problem with stress. I am outwardly very calm--maybe I snap at people a little now and then. But because I grew up in a family where people were always telling me to "look on the bright side" and "count my blessings" and "stop worrying," I learned to outwardly suppress it. Even now, I have a really, really hard time crying, even if I need a release. (The only time I can really get myself to cry is like a fool at a movie or a TV show--apparently if I need an outlet, I just need to watch the first fifteen minutes of the first Narnia movie, or maybe the last fifteen minutes of the Six Feet Under finale, and I'll be good to go.) I'm the calm one, the peacemaker, the diplomat. So of course the stress finds a way to manifest itself--physically. When there's the least cloud on the horizon, so to speak, I fold. Completely. All I do is sleep all day if I can get away with it, I have headaches and upset stomachs, I get dizzy, I break out to various degrees of severity, I can't eat if I have to cook for myself and I eat too much if someone else cooks. And I don't know how to stop it. You can talk about "stress management" all you want, but that's how I got here in the first place--learning to "manage" stress until I repressed it entirely. Although, writing all of this out now, it seems like the way to handle it would be to stop trying to achieve "calm" and try to work towards catharsis--exercise is probably a top candidate for that. So... there you go.

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Tags: alabama is the center of the universe, awards, batman, books, computers, deaths, family, harry potter, health, lolcats, movies, music, narnia, poetry, stress, terminator, tribulations, tv, twilight
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