Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones

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The Happening

I've never done this before, but a friend of Sister Girl's brought over a bootleg of The Happening, so I thought... well, I haven't done a new parody since Cloverfield, why not? I feel really bad, like I cheated or something. But... there you are.

(The Happening in Fifteen Minutes.)

The other thing is that I like suspense movies (as opposed to gory horror), and I'd like to see more movies that evoke tension through craft instead of, you know, torture porn, so I'd really like to see M. Night Shyamalan pull it together and make another good movie. This... this is not that movie. It is exactly as bad as you've heard, and maybe worse. I mean, I had heard that the acting is bad, but I didn't really believe it until I heard Zooey Deschanel read the line "Just when you thought there couldn't be any more evil that could be invented!" as if she didn't actually understand English and they'd written it out phonetically for her. And let's not start with the way Mark Wahlberg talks to everyone like they're five years old, even though he teaches high school. And then they spend half the movie trying to outrun the wind, which is marginally less stupid than trying to outrun the temperature, but not by much. And then people discuss how it might be the plants trying to kill them, and then they go stand out in the countryside some more. It's not even that the premise (plants on the entire Northeastern seaboard release biotoxins to make people kill themselves) is all that stupid; it's that the characters are. "The plants are attacking large groups of people! MAKE SURE WE STAY TOGETHER!" And then there's this part where Wahlberg shouts at Deschanel to shut the windows and the doors late in the movie, and she's all, "Why?" WHY DO YOU THINK OH MY GOD.

I can't even tell you if the suicide scenes are sufficiently creepy--number one, they were all given away in the red band trailer, and number two, the movie surrounding them is so silly that it's hard to take them seriously. Related example: there's a scene where two boys get killed that ought to be horrifying, but instead it's just hilarious; when the shotgun barrel slooooowly slid out between the blinds towards the second kid and Mark Wahlberg did the silent NOOOOOOOO!, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. The dialogue is awful, the acting is uniformly awful, the guy who supplies the answer to the mystery of the movie is obsessed with hot dogs, and the movie takes exactly the same boring-ass detour into Crazy Lonertown that War of the Worlds did. Damn, I need a drink.

P.S. The spoiler ending I had originally heard a few months back was that everyone was in a Jeep when suddenly they saw people hanging, dead, from trees. The Jeep then accelerated and crashed into a tree, killing all Our Heroes except John Leguizamo, who then got out and slashed his wrists. That's at least kind of "edgy," right? The whole downer ending thing? I don't know how the poster decided that was the end of the movie, but NO DOWNER ENDING FOR YOU! ) :

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Tags: m15m, movie discussion, the happening
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