Okay, so, the VMAs, they were lame. Britney Spears came out and said "The show starts right now!" and then she sat down. Then Rihanna came out in a giant... tower... thing in a black (leather? pleather? vinyl?) corset-leotard and thigh-high boots that made her thighs look like hams and we all know they're not, it was so unfortunate, and she had a bunch of big-haired zombies with her, I don't know. Good song, though. Russell Brand was okay, but I can tell he would be funnier in his natural habitat. There was some running lameness about Jonas Brothers purity rings and Jordin Sparks jumped into it and said that promise rings are okay "because not everyone wants to be a slut" and everyone was like OH NO SHE DI-IN'T and I just don't even care. Michael Phelps did not look impressed. Like, about anything. And he came out (heroically backlit) wearing... headphones, for some reason. And everyone who was not wearing a leotard was either wearing painted-on tightpants or their pants were falling off, literally, like this one guy I didn't know because I am old literally had the entirety of his underwear hanging out, there was no "under" to the wear at all. The Jonas Brothers sat on some porch stoop out in the Paramount backlot with their vests and their bowties and then hundreds of screaming choreographed girls came racing out and I am pretty sure this was the point when security sneaked the Twilight kids into the building (a diversion!). So then the Twilight gang came out to introduce Paramore (yay!) and Russell Brand totally talked over Robert Pattinson, which I am pretty sure The Hair paid him to do so RPattz wouldn't have to talk, and somewhere all the Twihards are writing angry emails to MTV (no, I'm pretty sure they actually are) and their tears taste like candy. The Paramore chick was wearing yellow tightpants and her hair was hot pink this time instead of orange (hey, maybe she could play Jem in a movie or something. I would approve this) and they actually had fun. And then Pink was awesome, but then Pink always is; she wore an awesome big blue coat dress and then a black leotard that did not make her thighs look like large meats. Christina Aguilera lip-synched (and yet still schooled Britney from last year) and her dancers tore their clothes off, only to be even clothedier underneath, which is a waste of unclothingness, as far as I'm concerned. MTV had a bunch of different people taking turns to perform right before or after they went to commercial, just in a little area roped off somewhere in the auditorium (which, by the way, looked like it was being used between performances of someone's school play, and had an audience of like fifty bored industry insiders), and Katy Perry did "Like a Virgin" while wearing a yellow romper for about a minute and I nearly reached through the TV and punched her, and then LL COOL J SHOWED UP AND IT WAS AWESOME, and then it went back to sucking again. And I forget who called the new(ish?) Kid Rock song "Werewolves of Alabama," but that's totally what it sounds like. Paris Hilton and Pete Wentz and people from The Hills were there, but as far as I'm concerned, a condor swooped down and carried them away before I had to hear them talk. Then Britney won three pity awards, and Kanye West performed. And Russell Brand kept saying over and over how awesome the show was and how career-defining Katy Perry singing for ninety seconds was and how fantastic that episode of Sesame Street with the Jonas Brothers was and it was like if he kept saying it often enough, maybe we would believe it. I do not believe it, Russell Brand.