So what I ended up doing this morning was going back and tagging those entries so that you can get them all together (start at the bottom here and move up). Quick excerpts, if you'd like to see what my recapping style was like four years ago:
OH MY GOD MARLENA ACTUALLY FELL 500 STORIES BOUNCED OFF A CANOPY AND LANDED ON HER OWN DAUGHTER THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.
Chez Crazy. Shawn [who is chained up in the Love Cage] snips at Crazy Jan to stop it and get off him. He insists that Belle is the only woman he has ever loved and that she did not "brainwash" him. This is not good. Crazy Jan bitches at some kewpie voodoo doll that the doll promised her it would go better than this. Kewpie Voodoo Doll advises her to be patient. I am so not making this up, I can't even tell you. Crazy Jan tells Shawn that she's gonna have to break out the tough love. Shawn's all like, whatever. She returns to the Kewpie Voodoo Doll ("You can do it, Jan!"). She jumps on Shawn again and promises that she has big surprises for him.
Chez Crazy. Shawn: "I AM BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL! PLEASE SEND THE COPS!" Nicole [on phone with Crazy Jan]: "Girl, I gotta hand it to you. You are nuttier than a fruitcake, but you get the job done." Shawn, in the background: "SHE IS HOLDING ME CAPTIVE! PLEASE CALL THE SALEM POLICE DEPARTMENT!" Really, we're on a totally different scene now and I'm still capping this one because I'm crying [with laughter] so hard.
John asks Mr. Mephistopheles if it's at all possible that Marlena is alive. Lexie points out that she declared Marlena dead; Marlena was shot through the heart; John held her as she died; and Mr. Mephistopheles adds that HE EMBALMED HER, THANK YOU, CAN WE BURY HER NOW? Marlena: *gasp sigh flop.* Marlena, she not ded yet. Still. Commercials.
Chez Crazy. Jan comes out in a spifforama new outfit for the bank. Nicole: "You realize that if you marry Shawn, you'll be... Jan Brady. Which somehow... would be... so fitting." Jan: "Who's Jan Brady?" Nicole: "Never mind." I may or may not be able to recap the rest of this scene, as now I ded from laughter.
House of Bitch. Sami doesn't want to go out to dinner, has right to grieve, leave her alone, etc. Lucas: WOMAN, JUST GO TO THE OLIVE GARDEN WITH ME. Lucas threatens to call his mom and hang out with her instead. Ew, Lucas. Don't blackmail women into going out with you by using your mom, dude.
Bizarro Alice's House. Abe worries that Lexie will find someone else and move on--particularly since he told her to. If I get married, and something happens to my husband, I will never be able to see other men because I will always be worried that he's trapped in a tropical Bizarro Birmingham somewhere. Woe.
Love Cage. Crazy Jan crazies. My mother, wisely: "See, he needs to fake like he loves her." Me: "Mom... he's been doing that for, like, two weeks now." Shawn: "I want to hold you in my arms. I want to give you the love you deserve." Me: "I told you." Crazy Jan: "...This is an act, ISN'T IT?" Mom: "Two weeks, huh?" Commercials.
I never did find out how the Bizarro Salem or the Love Cage storylines ended up, by the way.