So, previously on "True Blood": Vampires have "come out of the coffin" (sigh). God Hates Fangs. The Woevolins ushered in a vampire and his SEXY VOICE to the little town of Bon Temps, and Anna Paquin seems to have lost her badonkadonk, but she is definitely a lady. And a waitress. And psychic. Also: vampire porn.
Side effect: I become 500% more Southern for a few hours after I watch an episode of this show. And I'm already in Alabama, so you can imagine what that sounds like.
(Y'all, I didn't mean to go this in-depth. But it's so much fun commentating on everything! And there's a lot of exposition! And I kind of loved this episode in particular! But I won't be able to keep this level of recapping up forever! *angsts*)
So. Last we saw Sookie, she was waiting out behind Merlotte's to meet up with Bill the Vampire (and finds "Bill the Vampire" exactly as funny as I do), except that the sleazy drug-dealing Rattrays got there first and started kicking the shit out of her. Like, "imminent death" shit-kicking. And then Denise Rattray pulls out Sookie's "dumbass ponytail," as if things weren't bad enough. BILL, WHERE YOU AT, SON? And there's that border collie again, just standing around not doing shit to help anybody. You can't even bark or run go tell the Martins that Timmy's in the well again or anything? (Side note: why do sleazy couples always stop to make out in the middle of their nefarious deeds?) So anyway, Mack Rattray stops sucking his wife's face long enough to take out his gun and make like he's going to shoot the dog WHEN SUDDENLY he is flung into the nearby trees. And then his neck, like, snaps itself. And then while Denise is shouting at the darkness to "show your face, you freak!" (really, I'm sure he'd be more than happy), she ends up crushed under another tree. And then an ominous boot steps into frame near Sookie's mangled body. WELL THANK YOU FOR JOINING THE PARTY.
Credits. Dead possums, dead foxes, strippers, baptisms.
Bon Temps police station. Sheriff Dearborne and Detective Andy watch Jason watch the Jasonsex murder tape (unf unf unf, choke choke choke). That's... that's got to be awkward for everyone involved. We flash back to Jason flailing out of Maudette's apartment half-naked after realizing what he's done, and then we get a closeup of Maudette's face and neck as she hangs there by her hands from the hook in the ceiling (look, it's a long story, but that's all her own thing, okay?). Now, here's the kind of TV viewer I am: "Hey... there aren't any bruises or finger marks on her neck at all." Back on the tape that Jason's watching, Maudette looks up and starts laughing: "Moron!" Celebration! I do the dance of being right! Jason does the dance of not going to federal prison! Detective Andy sulks, although I'm not sure what he's so disappointed about, because they hauled Jason in knowing full well what was already on that tape.
Back out in the bayou behind Merlotte's (every restaurant/bar should have one, I think), Bill carries a blood-caked Sookie... somewhere.
Police station. "It was a vampire!" Jason insists, excitedly telling them about the bite on Maudette's thigh. Yes, they know, they looked at the body, thanks. Who was the vampire on the tape, Sheriff Dearborne wants to know--"Was it the same vampire your sister's messing around with?" "MY SISTER DON'T MESS AROUND!" But yes, Jason would be more than happy to describe Sexxor the Bald ("bald, this skeleton tattoo... crazy outta his motherfuckin' mind" ). But the Jasonsex tape is the only one left at Maudette's house, which is why they can't see what Sexxor looks like for themselves. So someone took all the other tapes, right, so he (someone) wouldn't be incriminated? This is Jason's suggestion, anyway. Or, as Detective Andy points out, maybe someone left the only tape that appears to prove that he (someone) didn't kill Maudette. "Oh, come on!" says Jason. "I'm not that smart!" The Sheriff looks over at Detective Andy like, Well, the boy got you there.
Emergency Bayou, St. Merlotte's. Bill chaws open his wrist and it is not pretty. Sookie argues (you know, as she's bleeding internally and, also, freely from her skull) that she doesn't want to be a vampire, and Bill's all like GODDAMMIT THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS! NOW SUCK, DAMN YOU! (Look, the whole rules-of-being-a-vampire thing gets confusing; I don't blame Sookie for stopping to check here. Apparently biting doesn't turn you in the Sookieverse, because people get recreationally bitten all the time, and drinking vampire blood doesn't do it either, because... well, we'll get into that next episode. So... I don't know what the process here is exactly, but apparently it's something you have to set aside an afternoon for, really.) Sookie fights it for about half a second and then she tucks in. Seriously, I've had hot fudge sundaes I didn't enjoy that much, and let me tell you, I enjoy the hell out of my ice cream. It's also... sexy in a non-sexy way, does that make any sense? Like, there's blood and dirt and nastiness everywhere and the whole scene looks very "real," as opposed to, you know, glossy and self-consciously "erotic." Except that it's the ugly realism that actually makes it kind of hot...? I'll just quit now while I'm ahead.
Meanwhile, Tara goes home to find (to her complete unsurprise) that her mother's passed out drunk on the couch. (Tabloid headline on the table: ANGELINA ADOPTS VAMPIRE BABY.) And--okay, I have to tell you, this is where I got confused the first time around, when I watched the first two episodes back to back, because Tara calls her cousin who's driving around with this kind of gangsta wannabe thing going, and he's gay? But isn't Fabulous Lafayette also her cousin and gay? How many gay cousins does she have? And he talks kind of like La--oh, wait, that is Lafayette. Lafayette is a man of many fashions, I guess. I think I was also confused that they were both just at Merlotte's, but then she went through the trouble of going home just to end up calling him, so I assumed this was a different cousin. Anyway, can he come pick Tara up and take her anywhere to do anything other than sit at home and wait for her mom to sober up? "Hookah, whycome you won't call Jason Stackhouse?" he retorts. "You are a mean ol' nasty bitch," says Tara (who, as you will recall, has been in love with Sookie's brother forever). Well, Lafayette'll be over in a few minutes (awww).
Dawn's house, 3 a.m. "Jason, what the fuck!" "I spent the whole day thinkin' I'd really killed Maudette Pickens!" he gasps, helping himself to the liquor on her coffee table. Somehow this evokes sympathy in Dawn, who sits down next to him on the couch. Jason wastes no time diving into her cleavage, and Dawn starts laughing, and that was the moment I began to love her.
Emergency Bayou. Sookie wakes to find Bill licking the hole in her head. He kind of has this sheepish look like, Uh. Busted. "Do I taste different from other people?" she asks dreamily. "Yes," he says, sounding strangely vulnerable. Well, here's a question: if Bella Swan's "outrageous flavor" is freesia, what's Sookie's?
Sookie has a flavor. What is it?
Note: If Charlaine Harris ever weighs in on this, she outranks y'all. (She also gets the option of a write-in vote.)
(This is also the point where the longtime Stackhouse fans pop up and shout "SOOKIE'S ALREADY GOT A FLAVOR, YOU NOOB, IT'S PRALINES/AZALEAS/SMOOTH JAZZ.")
"What are you?" Bill sexyvoices again. "Well, 'parently I'm not dead," Sookie says placidly as the wound insta-heals. Man, I have got to get me some of this antiseptic vampire saliva for the next time I cut myself. "What I am is telepathic. I can hear people's thoughts." Even Bill's? Why no, people who didn't watch the first episode! "That's why I like you so much. You have no idea how peaceful it is... after a lifetime of blah, blah, blah..." See, I love this, because Edward Cullen spends all of the Twilight series being like I MUST PENETRATE BELLA'S MIND!!!!1!, and Sookie's like, Praise Jesus, it's a brain vacation.
Bill helps her sit up against a tree. "May I ask you a personal question?" "Bill," says Sookie, "you were just lickin' blood outta my head. I don't think it gets much more personal than that." I had to pause OnDemand for about five minutes until I could stop laughing, by the way. "How do you manage a social life?" Bill wants to know. "With men your own age--" "I DON'T DATE," snaps Sookie, and now we find out why:
Flashback #1, on a date in a restaurant: "Man, I can't wait to see her naked, I wonder if she's a natural blonde"--well, the guy's musings on her hair color go a bit further than that, but, like Sookie, I am a lady, goddammit. Sookie retorts with mustardy vengeance.
Flashback #2, in a car at the beginning of a date: "Man, Sookie's the kind of girl I could marry, I'd never have those thoughts of Matt Damon... Jake Gyllenhaal in Jarhead..."
So Sookie pretty much can't date anyone ever. She helpfully explains to Bill (and to us) that the people closest to her know about her gift (or "gift"), but they don't talk about it, and she tries to stay out of their thoughts as a courtesy. Some people just assume she's psychic; others think she's crazy (there was a whole bit in the first episode with Denise Rattray thinking about how Sookie was "retarded"). What does telepathy sound like? Like stream of consciousness, she explains, or sometimes she sees people's thoughts as images. I should add that Sookie is real, real mellow right now. Bill starts leaning in closer and Sookie starts moving her legs--I can't tell if she's trying to pull them up away from him or move so that he can get closer. I'm not sure she knows, either. "Wow, I feel completely healed!" she says suddenly. Well, that's because she is. Do doctors know that "V juice" can do this? No, and the vampires would like to keep it that way. You know, there's a whole ton of things the vampires don't seem to want the mundanes to know, and I'm not sure it's going to be possible to keep them from finding out if the vampires have gone so mainstream and even cretins like the Rattrays know--that they're vulnerable to silver, that their blood would pretty much remove the need for modern medicine... well, you know, actually, when you put it that way, I can actually see pharmaceutical companies wanting to cover that whole aspect up. Wow, there's like a whole conspiracy-nut side genre of stories you could tell in this universe. I think I just blew my own mind a little bit.
ANYWAY, things get awkward and Bill says he'll see Sookie to her car, and he takes her hand and chivalrously helps her up, and--you know what? I was wondering what a hundred-something-year-old vampire would see in this bubbly little blonde waitress, and--aside from the obvious, which might be that she's a little ray of sunshine in the Dark Eternity of His Midnight, etc.--I think I've figured it out. It was when she said, "When you talk to me, you will talk to me like the lady that I am!" You know, in the previous episode. I think that went straight to his old-fashioned Southern gentleman heart, quite honestly. So even though she's running around waitressing in a tight t-shirt and booty shorts, here's someone who not only has standards, but standards like his own. And when he sexyvoices, "What are you?," I almost wonder if her little "Oh my stars!" quaintness surprises him more than the YOU ARE MORE THAN HUMAN OMG thing.
Someone's midnight barbecue. Tara sits on an old couch in the corner of the yard, nursing a beer while Lafayette makes the rounds, and a guy with a comb sticking out of his fro smooves over to her. What's Tara doing? "Watchin' my fool cousin tryin' to hit on the straightest man here." Which he seems to be doing pretty successfully, I might add. "Well, baby," says Tara's new friend, "I am the straightest man here. You can ask any of ~the honeys.~ " "Look, I should tell you: I am married," says Tara, in what will come to be known as Why Tara Is Awesome, Exhibit #47. "My husband is a mercenary. Yeah... he just got back from assassinating some guys in Iraq. He ain't worth me, I tell you that, but if he ever caught me with another man... he'd kill us both." Tara's new friend is starting to lean back away from her at this point. "I'm not sure who he'd kill first... prob'ly me," she says, hamming it up with a nice lip tremble. "I hope so." "Bitch, you crazy," Fro Pick says, slightly agog. Tara: "He already shot one guy in the nuts for buyin' me a CD!" Aaaaand Fro Pick's outta there.
Dawn's house: Unf unf unf. Unf unf. Unf. Now, I will say, I rewatched this scene with some interest, trying to figure out how in the world they blocked it without exposing everyone and all their bits, because Ryan Kwanten's pretty much throwing and flipping Lynn Collins all around the room. Also: that was Lynn Collins? PORTIA, I AM SCANDALIZED. Also-also, Jason points and smirks at himself in Dawn's bedroom mirror (simmer down there, Patrick Bateman), because that's just how lovable a douche he is.
Merlotte's Bayou. Walking Sookie back to her car, Bill explains that he became a vampire in 1865, when he was "thirty human years old." "You look a lot older than that," she blurts out. "Life was harder back then," he says stiffly. Yeah, Sookie, you try living without indoor plumbing and cable TV for a few years and see how good you look. But Gran and the Descendants of the Glorious Dead would love to hear about it! Except that Bill gets upset and starts going off about how starving freezing boys going to war and dying so that the rich can stay rich is NOT GLORIOUS, THANKS. The really interesting thing is that he's standing there bittering on about the horrors of war while both he and Sookie are covered in giant splotches of her drying blood. It's just... picturesque, is all I'm saying. But okay, fine: would talking to the Descendants of the Starving Freezing Not-Glorious Dead make her happy? "My grandma would be ecstatic!" gushes Sookie. Bill: "But would it make you... happy?" Sookie shyly says that it would. "I'll do it, then. I look forward to meeting your grandmother. When may I call on you?" I am serious, y'all, Bill is adorable. In a dead kind of way. I got to find some nice broodsome angster with a chivalry complex to come call on me, y'all. My mom can even make snacks of awkwardness, it'll be fun--but I'm getting ahead of myself.
"Huh. Sam's still up," Sookie says, noticing the lights on in Sad Sam's Sad Trailer, but when she turns around, Bill has vanished. "Well, that's creepy," Sookie mutters in an Oh, my vampire, he so crazy kind of tone (hee!).
(Okay, look, y'all. If Sam is a werecollie, what's the use of him knowing that Sookie's in trouble but not doing anything about it? That makes it twice now that the werecollie has just stood there and not been any help. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Sam, if you are a werecollie, you suck at stalking Sookie even worse than Bill does.)
Dawn's house, the morning after. Jason wakes up and notices a vampire bite just above Dawn's collarbone. Jason looks troubled. Possibly because the first thing he did was dive into her breasts and he didn't notice this? Dawn always wears a low-necked t-shirt and no one noticed this? I'm gonna have to go back and look at whether she keeps her hair down in front of her shoulders or something.
Chez Stackhouse. It's a gloriously sunny morning and Spokesvampire Gillian is trying to argue vampire rights with a Reverend Newlin on TV (his commitment to Jesus won't allow him to speak directly to her). "I don't think Jesus would mind if somebody was a vampire," muses Sookie. Gran: "I don't either, honey." By the way, is this breakfast sausage new? Different? Because Sookie can taste the farm the pig lived on and feel the sunlight and the rain on her face and smell the earth the herbs grew in. Yeah. So... Gran is a little concerned about Sookie now. And then Tara swings by after a night of going to parties and avoiding people and Gran goes to make a fresh pot of coffee for her and Sookie says she can have a shower and a change of Sookie's clothes. Aww. And then they argue about the relative stupidity of Sookie hanging out with a vampire. "DID HE BITE YOU? THEY CAN HYPNOTIZE YOU." "Yeah, and black people are lazy and Jews have horns," retorts Sookie, by which I guess she means that Tara is buying into species-ist stereotypes? Except that they can hypnotize you, Sookie, so... Oh, and here's Jason come to eat Gran out of house and home. Tara perks up.
And then Gran comes back in with news that is relevant to Sookie's interests, so Sookie drives out to see for herself in her tiny mimsy-skimming sundress and bikini top: someone's dropped a house on the Rattrays. Excuse me, "there was a tornado." Bill must be the Scarecrow, then, because anybody who thinks the townsfolk are gonna buy this one needs a brain. Don't touch those slippers, Sookie, this is a crime scene: "Tornadoes hop," explains the skeptical Sheriff. "And this one didn't touch anything else around here." And he's well aware that there was trouble between Sookie and the Rattrays--"They were picking on a friend of mine," she protests, and the Sheriff (who is, for once in the history of TV shows, actually very well-informed) is all like, "Oh, that vampire who lives in the old Compton house?" "The Compton house? You mean right across the field from my house?" Why yes, Sookie, right there on Convenience Road! She tries to stick up for Bill, pointing out that the Rattrays were trying to drain him, which is against the law (hm. Interesting that the vampires managed to get a law passed against that), but the Sheriff starts in with the Now Sookie, You're a Good Girl spiel. Sookie's not having it: "Now if y'all two rednecks will excuse me, I gotta go."
(The other redneck in question, by the way, is the inappropriately chipper coroner/funeral director who buried Sookie's parents. Awkward.)
Chez Stackhouse. Gran is vacuuming like Jesus Christ Himself is coming to dinner. "[Bill] sleeps in the ground all day, he's not gonna look at the rug," Sookie tells her. "How do you know where he sleeps?" asks Gran. Sookie: "I don't, actually..." I'm with her, I'm curious now as to where he actually has to sleep. And what's that smell? Sookie goes hunting around the room until she finds, like, half a Cheezit under a chair. Gran is perturbed. Oh, by the way, Jason and Tara will be over tonight to meet Bill as well--"Oh, did you want to be alone with him?" OH COME ON! Sweet Lord, it's Victorian up in here.
Chez Stackhouse, Just After Dark. Jason's airing out his vampire anger issues, much to Sookie's annoyance, and after Sookie leaves, Tara points out that Jason is drinking her beer, in that Tara said she wanted one and Jason said he would get her one and then he just started drinking one himself. So he gives her his. Personally, I think she just wanted to drink out of the same bottle as Jason. It's not pretty, that kind of crazy hangup over a guy, but I spent most of high school in one, so I can't judge.
So Sookie's out front on the porch sweeping, and BAH! There's Bill right behind her. He seems anxious, finally admitting, "You have to invite me in." "Seriously?" I love how easily entertained Sookie always is by the whole vampire thing. She's all like, Try to go in anyway! No, try it! TRY IT! "I can't even try," Bill says uncomfortably. Sookie: "That is SO WEIRD!" Way to make him feel good about himself there, Sook. "Oh, Bill," she sing-songs, "won't you please come in?" And then she stops: "If I were to withdraw my invitation, would you have to leave?" Yes, yes he would. Uh oh. I foresee some very dramatic future usage of this if Bill were ever to piss her off in some way. I give it... three or four episodes from now, tops.
So! Let's meet the family! Gran made snacks for someone who can't eat (awkward). Tara wants to know if Bill owned slaves (AWKWARD). And I love that Bill's response is to reminisce fondly about the housekeeper whose name he can't even remember and the "strong young yard slave" his father had (I was sitting there thinking, if the words "young buck" come out of his mouth, I will die of horror), because it's just so--accurately inappropriate, if that makes sense. Like, he's trying to be pleasant and polite and not even able to understand why Tara, for example, is livid. Because, you know, in some ways he's almost like a time traveler from an earlier century; he's probably "enlightened" by the standards of 1865, but fondly reminiscing about one's slaves is still racist to us, and the show doesn't whitewash that. Anyway, apparently the old Compton house will pass to Bill, the only surviving (...uh) Compton if the Vampire Rights Act (VRA) passes, which Jason immediately starts arguing with Bill about. Bill manages to turn the conversation around to 1849 or so (if I'm doing my math correctly here?) when he knew Jonas Stackhouse, much to Gran's delight. You can hear Fiona Apple playing softly in the background, which strikes me as kind of an odd choice of music for Gran to--ohhh, I see what you did thar.
"I look forward to speaking to your club, Mrs. Stackhouse," Bill smarms, God bless him. "Now, if you don't mind, I thought Sookie and I might take a walk..." I think this is what passed for smoove in the 1800s. Of course then Jason has to bounce up out of his chair and get all antagonistical about how he doesn't think it's a good idea for his sister to take a walk with a vampire and he's the man of the house so what he says goes and Gran is all, "You are A man, and this is MY house. YOU BETTER RESPECT ME, BOY!" The line to fangirl Gran starts right here behind me, y'all. Besides, she declares, "I am the oldest person here." Which is, of course, Bill's cue to lean in and murmur, "Actually... I'm the oldest person here." Gran giggles. A-walking we shall go! And Bill makes sure to get up in Jason's Kool-Aid one last time as he ushers Sookie out of the room.
("Thanks for making me look like a fool in front of him," Jason huffs. "Jason, you don't need any help looking like a fool," retorts Gran.)
So they're strolling down the Stackhouse yard and Sookie tells Bill that she drove down to the Rattrays' trailer. Or what was left of it, anyway. "I told you I was strong," says Bill, explaining that the older a vampire is, the stronger they get, and "more skillful at hiding what we've done." At which point Sookie notes that he did a very bad impression of a tornado, so... try to work on that. Also, the werecollie is following them along the edge of the treeline. Subtle, Sam. "I guess you've killed a lot of people," says Sookie, and Bill's a lot more nonchalant about this than I expected: he says yeah, he killed some by accident at first, but usually he doesn't have to, and sometimes he can "glamour somebody into letting me feed on them for love." Is this anything like dazzling? Because I want a front-row seat for this. Did he feed on the Rattrays? Well, yes, because, see, Sookie kind of sucked him half-dry: "You drank a lot of my blood." "What'll that do to me?" she asks curiously. Well, she'll have keener senses (is this permanent?); delicately, Bill mentions an increased libido. "And I'll always be able to feel you, find you fast. If you're ever in trouble, that could come in quite handy." (Somewhere, Edward's is grumbling that it's just not fair, it's not fair at all, this guy's not even good at stalking and he gets all the breaks.) Yeah. Sookie's gonna need a moment to process this.
Chez Stackhouse, Jason and Tara. I have to say, Rutina Wesley is really interesting to watch--she plays Tara as not being feminine in a girly way, per se; Tara's pretty tomboyish, usually running around in knee-length cutoffs (and jeans in this scene), but her Tara has a very... confident sexuality, I guess? Like, I want to say "shameless," but in a good way, like she's not ashamed of her body and she's not all dolled up but that's because she doesn't need to be. (Hey, you know what's better than doing actual work? Rambling on about the people who live in your TV!) Of course, I'm also writing this from the perspective of having seen the next episode already. Anyway, she and Jason end up drinking beer and cuddle-wrestling on the Stackhouse sofa and talking about nobody understands them, and how "we're all just tryin' to be seen. To matter." And Jason's like, wow... that is so deep, yo. Wouldn't it be nice if he could see Tara right now, if she could matter to him? OH HEY GOTTA GO PICK UP DAWN FROM WORK! Sigh.
Back at the
So now we have the obligatory Hey, Why Do I Not Freak You Out? conversation. "Who am I to be squeamish about something out of the ordinary?" Sookie says quietly. Aw, we flashback to Psychic Baby Sookie freaking her mom out, and a school psychologist trying to prove that Sookie isn't telepathic and failing miserably, and Sookie's mom thinking, "Oh, sweet Jesus, there's something wrong with my baby girl, what'm I gonna do?" "She tried to protect me, even though I scared her," says Sookie, but her parents died when she was eight--"Flash flood," she says, turning away so quickly that my bullshit detector starts smoking. I guess we'll find out more about that later (DON'T SPOIL ME IF YOU'VE READ THE BOOKS). Bill tells her that he also lost his wife and children, and everyone he knew from his human life (so, wait--did he lose his wife and children while they were young, or did they just keep aging while he was a vampire, or did he lose them even before he became a vampire, or--?), and "most of them are buried in this cemetery." Well, I know that's where I'd take a girl on our first date, then. "You really don't consider yourself human?" asks Sookie. "I'm not human," angsts Bill.
They arrive at the Compton house with its atmospherically creaky gate. "Can you turn into a bat?" Oh, Sookie. Some vampires can change shape, apparently, but not Bill. Levitate? No. Turn invisible? No. For a moment I started wondering if she was running down a mental list of Mutants I Have Known ("Hey, you suck the life out of people! I used to be able to do that too!"), but she teases, "You don't seem like a very good vampire. What can you do?" SOOKIE! "I can bring you back to life," Bill says quietly. PWNED!
Also, he's handy with the home repair, apparently--he's been renovating the old Compton house himself (I'm imagining Bill with, like, a ladder and a painter's mask and a circular saw or something now), but he's having trouble getting electricians to return his calls. Sookie can help him with that! Bill is touched. "Take out your clip," he sexyvoices, and Sookie shakes out her hair. "May I?" he asks (adorrrrable), and then he leans in and sensuously... sniffs her hair. Like... can you understand how you can sit here and watch this and be like, "That's hot" and "That's hilarious" at the same time? I'm good at multi-tasking, what can I say. "I can smell the sunlight on your skin," Bill marvels. I swear, I don't know how Sookie managed not to blurt out, "I can smell the sunlight in my sausage!" And then they get to making out, finally. Except that Bill gets a little too excited (aw, premature fangulation), and it's time for Sookie to go home now. Damn.
Dawn's House of Domination. Jason's tied to her headboard with half a dozen pretty scarves, which is great except for the fact that Dawn's getting dressed for work and... not making any move to untie him: "We've already done it like three times today and at this rate, we'll burn out by the end of the week and you'll get weird and I've already been down that road with you, baby." "But... I'm horny," Jason whimpers. Hey, it's cool! She'll be back after midnight when her shift's over! "Consider it foreplay," she purrs, licking his face. Oh, and leaving Jason to thrash around in vain: "Hey! HEY! THIS AIN'T FUNNY!"
Scenes from a Bar Called Merlotte's: Tara mouths off to a drunk that she's not going to serve her anymore alcohol because ain't nobody gonna take her home and Sam's just gonna have to call the woman's son to come pick her up (yet again) and everyone knows about it ("What'd you say to me?" "I said, what brand of cognac you want?"), and then Sam tries to give Tara shit about not wearing a uniform (she's wearing her long cutoffs) and Tara needles him about his need to sexualize the women who work for him. You know, I was wondering about that--if Sam is so hot on protecting Sookie, why does he make her wear booty shorts? Meanwhile, some meathead at one of Sookie's tables is thinking about how he'd like to eat nachos off Sookie's breasts (someone was telling me that there's a Larry Miller standup routine to the effect of, "If women knew what men were thinking, you would never stop slapping us," and I believe it. Also: nachos? The sexiest food), and then he grabs her ass when she turns around and CHIVALRY TABLESMASH! Oh, hey, it's Cajun Rene! That was unexpected. He nearly breaks the kid's arm and then he chases the frat pack off the premises ("Dun look at me, you!"). Sookie's flustered, but he tells her that she reminds him of his baby sister, and he hopes that someone would stick up for her. Sookie does a weird little shuffling dance, turns tail, and flees to the kitchen, misting up over Rene's
Sam to the rescue! "Sookie--step into my office?" "I can't always keep my guard up," Sookie says apologetically. Sam has apparently called this meeting just to get his yearnings all over Sookie some more, because he doesn't actually seem to need anything. Also: "You can't hear the vampire's thoughts at all? Must be relaxing... Can you hear me?" "I don't wanna hear you!" Sam starts insisting that she try to listen to his thoughts sometime--Sookie might be surprised by what she hears, except that SHE ALREADY WAS SURPRISED, YOU ASS, when she heard you thinking about how bad you wanted her! And how good she smelled!
Meanwhile, Tara's asking Dawn if she (Dawn) and Jason are together, with the intention of sabotaging the whole thing by planting ideas about Jason's "escapades" in Dawn's head. Dawn laughs, because she is totally on to Tara's game. And then up on the bar TV, Sookie sees that the Reverend Does Not Speak to Vampires Newlin has been killed with his wife, baby daughter, and seven other people in a "freak" highway accident. Yeah. That better not be Bill out there practicing his tornado impression, is all I have to say about that.
So Sookie drives over to Bill's with the electrician info she promised. There's already a car parked out front--it's got the tag FANGS 1 and stickers reading Vampires Suck and Honk if you're a blood donor (what, no "My vampire kid can exsanguinate your honor student"?). So, by all means, let's keep going, Sookie. Foxy Brown opens the door: "Well, hey there, little human chick." "She smells freeeeesh," drawls another vampire. FANGS! Oh hey, there's Sexxor the Bald behind Sookie, and he's rolling his eyes all the way around! This is going to end well.
(Continue: 1x03 "Mine.")
(All True Blood recaps.)