Today's email to my mother (let's see what she makes of "kthnxbai"):
Lexie in Marlena's hospital cubicle: "I'm sorry..." [everyone freaks out that Marlena is apparently dead] "...that I kept you waiting." Of course. It looks like Marlena will survive, because "the awning... and Sami... broke her fall." Thisisthemostawesomeshowever.
Belle: still being a little hell kewpie not telling Shawn that she lied.
(Sami shrieking at John and Kate.)
Julie and Not!Mickey go visit Jennifer to check on the baby. Jennifer says Patrick, Son of Cowgirl Woman, will be staying on because he saved her and the baby from an ill-timed cramp. Julie purses her lips.
(Sami shrieking at John and Kate.)
Julie freaking out at Jennifer and Not!Mickey over being taken in by the Lockhart golddiggers. You know, way to upset the dangerously pregnant woman there, Jules. And they don't even know about Alice Horton being dead yet.
Kate tells Lucas he should have just "let the little bitch die" instead of trying to push Sami out of the way.
Rex and Mimi: "How can you be furious at me when you just made love to me all night long, Mimi?" Ah, c'est cheese. Shawn comes to the apartment and Rex opens the door naked. I don't know. Maybe just to make a point. Shawn, studiously averting his eyes, wants to ask Rex for help with something--according to the preview, this would be proposing to Belle. Oh, and then he has bad news to break about Grandma Alice. Way to prioritize, babe.
Meanwhile, Belle is whining about feeling guilty to whatshisface. Philip? The one with the crush on her. Yeah.
(Kate and Lucas bitching.)
Lexie is weeping about Abe over Marlena's bed, and Sami overhears and starts shrieking at her. Sami is a bitch punk and I hope she bursts into flame.
Back from commercials: Shawn has broken the news to Mimi and Rex offscreen. Rex is shocked that the woman who gave birth to him could kill his twin sister. Mimi can't believe it either. Rex remembers that Belle is Marlena's alibi for Doug... "unless she lied." Shawn freaks out because BELLE WOULD NEVER LIE... wait, Shawn lied about his baby with Jan whaaaaaaaat?
Philip: still enabling Hell Kewpie in her guilt. Kate begs Philip to "find the right girl... someone like Belle." Look, let's save everyone six months of show time: just break Shawn and Belle up and put Belle with Philip, kthnxbai. Oh, and Kate with John. Please, you know they're going to.
(Sami shrieking at John and Bo.)
Hope breaks the news to Julie and Not!Mickey and Jennifer. Everyone bursts into tears. Miscarriage in 3... 2... Hope also breaks the news that Marlena confessed; Julie lets out a champion "AAAOOOOAAAAH!"
(Sami shrieking at Bo and John. Let me add that she's pinning the blame on John and "his lover" Kate. Bo all but laughs in her face. God, how did Marlena spawn two such annoying little bitch-girls?)
Kate: still nagging Philip about Belle. You know, never mind that Belle is with Shawn. JUST HOOK THEM UP ALREADY. "Now, if something were to come between them... that's a different story." Atta boy.
Shawn wants the Irish wool engagement rings back from Rex. Mimi is all choked up with girlie joy that her best friend is getting married.
Philip tells Kate that Belle "lied about something to Shawn," but doesn't say what. Kate seizes on it like the conniver she is. Sami runs off with Belle and starts freaking out that Belle wants to tell the truth about Marlena's "alibi."
Rex ponies up the Irish wool rings. Thankfully, he is now wearing pants. Shawn says that he thinks he and Belle "are meant to be engaged tonight" and that if they aren't, they won't ever (foreshadowing ahoy!).
(Sami shrieking at Belle.)
Julie: shrieking about Marlena. Oh, and also pulls the whole "Marlena didn't kill Doug, I killed Doug" number as we go into commercials, which is so transparently a guilt routine. The writers aren't even trying. Even Hope thinks it's stupid. Julie goes into hysterics. Hope points out that the one person responsible IS THE ONE WHO KILLED PEOPLE. And... 2... 1... miscarriage pains!
Blah blah blah Rex and Mimi engagement envy blah.
Belle and Shawn start arguing over who has to tell who something important first. Meanwhile, Kate is meddling in the love lives of her sons Belle yay Sami nay blah blah blah.
Sami is at Marlena's bedside wibbling. Marlena opens her eyes. Unfortunately her eyes are doing their dead fish impression. I have a feeling this is going to turn out badly. Like, she's going to remember absolutely nothing, or she's going to be a complete zombie psycho, or something.
Rex points out that someone had to have lied about something--either John or Belle--and that Shawn may need to be informed of the obvious conclusion. Too late, of course, because Shawn has taken Belle up to the oh-so-romantic hospital roof and proposes to Guilty Hell Kewpie blah--annnnnd in we come with Jennifer.
Marlena wakes up as Bo and John file into her room, looks at John, and breathes, "I'm innocent." Well, duh--she's a killer, not an idiot.