Hospital: Lexie tells Jennifer that she's stable. Hope tells Jennifer not to get upset over Marlena (remember, the Salem Stalker nailed her husband Jack. With a brick, IIRC). Lexie and Jennifer decide to take really deep breaths. Yeah, I don't know. But I really like Lexie's turquoise necklace. Then the cramps/contractions kick in again. Also: Isn't this baby just, like, in its first trimester? Or am I trying to apply real-world time and logic to this?
Hospital roof: Helle Kewpie is all like, "OMG, are you proposing?," much in the way that someone might say, "OMG, is that a spider in my salad?" Blah blah Marlena killer blah people dead blah Kewpie guilty blah. Shawn's all like, but you didn't do anything wrong, and since YOU'RE her alibi, she MUST be innocent. Then a nurse busts through the door and says that Marlena's awake.
Bo recaps for us that Marlena claims she's innocent. Sami's all like, I TOLD YOU SO! John's like, "We're gonna get you the help you need," and Sami starts shrieking again. And then Marlena flatlines. More shrieking at John.
Commercials: Bah bah bah bah baaaaaah, they're loving it. I would have loved if it McDonald's had switched to white meat nuggets, say, twenty years ago.
Belle gets to Marlena's room and sees her flatlining and everyone starts shrieking. The doctor (who is not, amazingly, Lexie) herds them all outside and tells them to leave Marlena alone for the night. Bo wants to question Marlena and John wants her to rest and Sami's like, that's because U R TEH KILLER OMG, and Bo says something that I didn't quite catch, possibly about not caring if Marlena gets upset and flatlines again, and John starts pushing him around and we cut really abruptly to a KFC commercial. Look, I get it: fast-food chicken. I'm on it, y'all, now bring back my show.
We're back. Sami is shrieking. John is agitated. Hope lays a smackdown. Bo is all like, "Okay, I take it back. I don't want Marlena dead. YET." Wash, rinse, repeat. My favorite part is when Bo's like, "What's crazy is LISTENING TO YOU." And then Sami's like, "Well, how'd my mom get Supercop's gun away from him?" I am serious, that's a direct quote. And John's like, "Well, YOU got my gun and nearly put a bullet in my skull," and Hope's all shocked, shocked!
I really hope Bo just snaps and cracks Sami like a walnut.
Shawn and Belle: "I luv you." Belle: *tear of guilt* He pulls out the Irish wool rings and tells her the magical story of his poverty-stricken grandfather having his mother knit him engagement rings and "My grandmother loved you, Belle," and the music is all plinky and twinkly and AWWWWW I think my blood sugar just bottomed out. Somebody hand me something salty.
Commercials: Why is Bob Dylan doing Victoria's Secret ads? That just... ain't right.
Julie comes to visit Jennifer. I think Julie is bad for Jennifer right now, with the shrieking and wailing and gnashing of widowed teeth.
Belle is in tears. JUST TELL HIM YOU LIED, DUDE. I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER HERE.
Hope's telling Sami to chill. Sami: "She already told you she's innocent, what more do you need?" Bo: "HOW ABOUT SOME PROOF?" I heart Bo. Sami shrieking. Hope: "WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP?!?" I heart Hope. Seriously, can they adopt me? Sami is still shrieking--wait, John pretended to be a priest? Wow, musta been before my time. Ah, here's that priest with the slightly affected accent. I like him.
Ah, Marlena's having a dream about being attacked by that badly animated CGI tiger. I know I hate those.
Commercials: OH MY GOD THAT WOMAN STOMPED ON A ROACH BAREFOOT BECAUSE SHE LOVES HER SHOE SO MUCH. I don't love ANYTHING that much, dude.
Ah, Jack and Jennifer's kid. What's her name, Abby? I hate her. She's praying to the Virgin Mary statue in the chapel. Is everyone on the show Catholic because that's just more dramatic and interesting visually?
Marlena's room: I know what it is--the priest has a slightly Irish accent. Very, very slight. Nice. Sami: still shrieking, having added the priest to her repertoire. I hope God smites Sami.
Commercials: Ella Enchanted. I am disturbed by the sight of quasi-medieval Anne Hathaway dancing to that "shake it like a Polaroid" song. The movie kinda looks like A Knight's Tale for the teenie set.
Chapel: Not!Mickey and Julie. Oh, and Abby. This scene is all of 15 seconds long.
Lexie and Hope: Hope tells Lexie that Marlena claims to be innocent. Hope doesn't know who to believe. Lexie is vexie.
Roof: Belle in tears. Shawn looks suspicious. Ohhhhhh, here it comes. The truth comes out: she lied to help her mom. Shawn starts shouting--"DON'T TOUCH ME!!" He is so awesome. He stalks off. Belle looks forlornly at her empty, empty, non-wool ring-wearing hand. HA HA!
Abby comes to visit Jennifer. I still hate Abby for being such a whiny biatch when Jack got killed. You know, like it was Jennifer's fault or something. Looks like she's stuffed a sock in it, finally. Of course, now she's whiny in a protective way. Julie and Not!Mickey bust in with the "WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?!?" bit and I nearly fell out of my chair. Julie is that loud. I'm just saying. Exit family, more cramps, Jennifer yelling for Lexie.
Roof: Belle, in tears. Flashback to... Rex looking at jewelry ads? Wait a minute, Belle wasn't even there for that, how can she flash back to that?
Marlena's room. Sami. One can only hope Marlena will gather the strength to kill Sami. Ah, there's John, too. He's all like, "Do you remember anything that happened tonight?" She says "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," but the music says, "Yes, she totally remembers." Sami looks shocked, but I think we all know the end of this sentence is going to be, "...I'm so sorry that I don't remember."
Jennifer cramping. Lexie says, "The doctors want me to tell you how sorry they are." Which means, no, we can't save your Super Preemie First Trimester Baby.
Belle catches up with Shawn. Shawn's all like, "Just tell me you were confused." Belle's all like, "I can't, because I lied, aaaaangst!!1!" Shawn's retort is, "You know now that things will never be the same." God, at least someone around here has a spine.
Everyone gathered around Marlena's bed. Marlena: "I should have known, I should have stopped it... John wanted me...? To...? Admit...? That can't be, no...? He got angry...? He yelled and...?" God, she is so making this up as she goes along. "He... pushed me...? He pushed me off the balcony!" Everyone looks shocked, shocked! Never mind that, you know, people! SHE'S A KILLER, NOT STUPID!
Preview: Brady and naked Nicole. Marlena says John's the killer. Hope's like, "We have to arrest John Black." Sigh.
Yeah, this totally didn't turn out any shorter.