Please welcome! Ralphdemort! Female actor, leading role! I always feel so sorry for these presenters having to read this Summary of a Character in Ten Words or Less crap. It always feels like it should end with "They fight crime!" I like Anne Hathaway's white dress, although it kind of has a built-in diamond(ish) necklace and belt. Angelina Jolie's dress is dark blue and, again, kind of blousy, which I don't understand because it's not like she's got a single molecule of fat to hide on her body. All I can see of Meryl Streep is from the elbows up, but I like the big sweeping V-neck (it's black). She wins, to her visibly complete and utter shock! Everyone stands! I expect huge drunken apologies to K-Win once she gets to the podium.
Whoa. Those are some big-ass balloon sleeves--"Whoa! I didn't even buy a dress!" she cries, stepping out to the side to everyone can see: she's wearing pants! "Even though awards don't mean anything to me anymore [huge laugh from the audience]--I'm really happy!" She stops mid-thank to blurt out, "Can I just say? There is no such thing as the be~est? There is no such thing as the 'greatest living actress'? I am in a position to know this to be true." She lauds actresses both nominated and unnominated! I mean, just in general! Then she goes back to thanking people who were actually in Doubt. Goddamn, I love it when Meryl gets her drink on. She thanks Amy Adams ("So funny, so real!") and Viola Davis ("MY GOD, SOMEBODY GIVE HER A MOVIE!"), and then declares, "Okay, I gotta get off now! Love you! *kiss! kiss!* "
Here's Katie Holmes in a brown one-shoulder, with a flat sort of look on her face like, "That. I have to come out after that." Best male actor, leading role! Sean Penn wins, and there is a GIGANTIC cheer. Frank Langella graciously stands, although he looks a bit unimpressed. Mickey Rourke is smiling, but whatever his tiny-checked jacket is doing to my TV screen is about to give me a seizure. There's a joke about "healthy packages" that's met with a couple of shrieks. "I am going to speak quickly and tangentially," says Penn: "I wept at every one of you guys' performances." That's the short version; it actually goes on for about five minutes. Also, a "random shoutout" to Benicio del Toro. God, he is rambling on about dogfights and idiots and I think he mentioned Bill O'Reilly at the beginning and I don't even know.
Here's Anthony Hopkins (cut to Alec Baldwin grinning in the audience. I think he's in love?) with Best Ensemble, which is the analogue but not quite the equivalent of Best Picture. Hopkins enjoys declaiming the movie titles with great enthusiasm. Slumdog Millionaire! Someone at Mickey Rourke's table is standing and clapping with the deadest look on his face, I can't even tell you (a Wrestler producer?). "It's unbelievable," gasps Anil Kapoor (THAT'S who it was at the beginning) as he speaks for the cast and crew. Big cheer for mentions of Danny Boyle and the children: "It's the children who have done it, not us." And then Freida Pinto rattles off the names of all the children "because I know they'll love this." Aw. They ran five minutes over, but it was worth it for that.