Well, this year, it's the All-Singing, All-Dancing, All-Trainwreck Oscars. I'm not gonna miss this. So it took me an hour to untangle the cords, move the monitor, and curse it out thoroughly, but here I am: it's on a kitchen stool in front of me, the TV about a foot in front of that and to the right, and I'm typing on a rickety TV tray table OH MY SWEET GOD HUGH JACKMAN IS GIVING BARBARA WALTERS A LAP DANCE RIGHT NOW I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING BUT I AM KIND OF RECONSIDERING THIS WHOLE NOT-MISSING-ANYTHING IDEA
(Trufax: Given the various expletives I hurled, apparently my monitor is both male and female. Who knew?)
Red carpet! OMG, I love Angelina's giant emerald earrings. HEY IT'S TIM GUNN! BEST OSCARS EVER. Huh, here's Kate Winslet. Tasteful hair, kind of a gunmetal grey dress with a black overlay on the side? It's very... subdued. She is concentrating on not tripping.
(Please enjoy my icon's brand-new Oscar gown from Yahoo Avatars.)
Diane Lane: Black Dolce, strapless, tight, I think that may be a fishtail skirt, I'm not sure. Nice wrapping detail. She's there for Josh Brolin, who is a man and therefore I don't care.
Amy Adams! Strapless, crimson red Herrera! Not thrilled with her multicolored gem necklace, but she looks pretty good.
Sarah Jessica Parker, belted Dior ballgown in kind of an off white, long loose wavy hair.
Taraji P. Henson--fantastic diamond collar, beautiful white dress. Lots of strapless sheath dresses with a subdued mermaid/fishtail hem. That is pretty much everything I've seen, except for SJP's ballgown.
Frank Langella, competently tuxedoed, talks about how he had dinner this past week with Anthony Hopkins and they talked shop about both of them playing Nixon, which kind of cracks me up. I'd wondered if they'd ever sat down and talked about that.
And here's Brad Pitt with Angelina Jolie in a black strapless can't tell what that was aaaaand there they go.
After commercials, Tim Gunn is back with a montage about Valentino. He is in a tux so I don't care. Look, I only have ten fingers, I have to prioritize here. Tim Gunn is fanboying all over him, though, which is sweet.
Here's Danny Boyle with Dev Patel and EVERYONE ELSE WHO WAS IN SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. I am not even kidding, it's like half of Mumbai up here, little kids and everything. And they deserve it. I'm just saying, it's hilarious to see them all but falling off the carpet. Aw, Freida Pinto is in midnight blue, very nice.
Okay, see, here's Mickey Rourke in a white suit. This is what I'm talking about. Gaultier: black waistcoat, lots of chains, and... he has his late dog Loki's tux with him. Wha...?
Here's Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, who's in black with a big-ass mermaid skirt (in case you're about to ask, it's a long tight skirt that kind of trails or explodes out at the bottom. I might as well explain this now, because EVERYONE IS WEARING THEM). Please let it be noted that so far, I have only heard of three confirmed presenters, and Efron is one of them--as in, that's the name the Oscar producers thought they needed to leak in order to get viewers.
Here's Robert Downey Jr. with his "date," "my date for the rest of eternity, Susan Downey." The scorn with which he corrects the random interviewer guy cracks me up.
Viola Davis in a gold halter dress, diamond brooch--kind of a burnished gold, not a scary Vegas lamé gold. Very nice.
Ah, here's Miley Cyrus in some giant rhinestone (God, I hope it's rhinestone) -encrusted ballgown kind of looking thing. It's... it's not bad, exactly. It's just... it... is. Maybe kind of a teenage Cinderella thing, who knows.
OH WOW I LOVE ANNE HATHAWAY'S DRESS. Simple strapless sheath, yes, but it's SPARKLY. Like, it's... I don't even know if there's any fabric, it's all iridescent white SPANGLES, it's like this perfect blend of crazy fabulosity and clean lines, it's FANTASTIC.
A montage of... accountants in the movies. Wow. That is the first time I've ever seen that. I mean, here's the Price-Waterhouse accountants, but... really. Accountants in Film. Okay, they just twirled around on the carpet so everyone could see their suits, that was kind of hilarious.
Here's Meryl Streep working a dove gray, drapey off-the-shoulder dress with 3/4 sleeves, subdued and elegant.
Here's Penelope Cruz in a strapless white ballgown, a vintage Something I Didn't Catch the Name Of. Sixty years old, festooned with drapes of tulle, really lovely.
Richard Jenkins, competently dressed in a suit and tie. I have to say, he was pretty much the heart of Burn After Reading, which I finally saw the other week, and... was not terribly impressed with. Anyway.
Here's Jack Black, and I don't care. He looks like he doesn't care either.
Back to Tim Gunn! Marisa Tomei in white with one shoulder on her gown, just for variety. Wow, that is... quite a skirt there. It's assymetrical, diammetrical, crazy-ass folding and pleating and... wow.
Leslie Mann is dressed like a disco ball.
Okay, someone else might show up, but we've only got five minutes and they're talking to the Oscar producers/crew, so I'm gonna hit post and start setting up for OH HEY MICHAEL GIACCHINO'S DOING THE MUSIC! Exciting. Anyway: see you on the other side.