omg it's here.
I got out the kitchen scissors, sliced open the box, and started laughing my ass off. I think some of the pictures came out a bit blurry because I was laughing so hard my hands wouldn't keep steady. I'm still laughing, actually.
"Oh--oh my God. This is--oh my God. That is amazing. Look at you. Just--you are just precious."
"I am not precious! I AM A MONSTER."
"And close those blinds! You don't want to see me in the sunlight! I'm hideous! You must never see!"
(Yes, Edward is creepy even in box format. In the second picture, the text at the bottom is, "I dream about being with you forever." You can't see that there's text at all in the third picture, but down at the bottom it says, "Things will never be the same." Tell me about it.)
"Look, we'll deal with your self-esteem issues later. Right now, you've got some people to meet."
"You should keep me away from people! I can't control myself! I am dangerous."
"I'm... really pretty sure they can take care of themselves."
So I took him upstairs and he jaaaames deaaaaaned into the room ever so sulkily and I was hoping to catch Galadriel's eye and get her to Glide Forward, as she does, and give him a proper introduction, but unfortunately, the girls already knew something was up ("She's laughing!" "Why is she laughing so hard!"). Galadriel wasn't so much gliding by the time we got there as--what's an elfy word for "sprint"?
"Welcome, young sparklepire," she panted down at him.
I coughed and flicked his shoulder--Galadriel happens to be 8,440 years old, and I had a feeling that being lectured by a mere centenarian before he even said hello would not get them started off on the right foot.
At that point, Eowyn scurried up as fast as she could go without looking like she was running (she was also smoothing her hair down and tucking it behind her ears as unobtrusively as possible). I'd thought Purple Arwen had somewhat lost interest in future masculine arrivals, what with the arrival of Helm's Deep Aragorn and all, but she picked up her skirts and hurried over too.
The Aragorns looked up from cleaning their boots with a somewhat bewildered expression. White Arwen, who was braiding her hair while she sang a little song, didn't look up at all.
Lyra and Iorek were romping around on the bed; I thought she would (mercifully) miss out on this whole foofaraw, but then I saw her peeking over a pillowsham.
(Pan was standing on her head.)
If you were ever afraid you couldn't tell the Faramirs apart, well, Faramir Two is the one who cocks his head and looks at a sparklepire with a skeptical air, and Faramir One is the one who shoots him the Evil Eye from the word go.
Eowyn clasped her hands and stuck them out shyly, like a little kid. They reached the top of his head. "Hi," she said.
Edward and his lack of social skills brooded broodsomely at her.
Faramir Two pounded Faramir One on the back before he choked on his own hate.
"Dude, you're not helping," I muttered.
"I never asked for this," he muttered. "This is my curse. Wherever I go, everyone falls in love with me, even though I am a terrible dangerous monster. As if she could help herself!"
"This is your curse, that you're totally full of yourself?"
"Remind me what you said when you opened the box?"
More than anything, I was worried about how Anna would take it, because if anyone would be immune to his dazzle, it would be her. You may not remember this, but she was actually pretty open to the idea of Edward Sparklepants Cullen back in the day. But as more and more pictures of various prototypes came out... well, she's anti-Dollen now, let's put it that way.
Anna folded her arms.
I shot Elizabeth a warning look. She strolled up behind Anna and stood there casually, like she was just hanging behind at the back of the group, but I think we reached an unspoken understanding that she would grab her if Anna did anything... hasty.
"Mmf," said Anna. "Well. So. You're here. Enjoy your stay."
She put one hand on her hip and pursed her lips defiantly, like Yeah, what now?
"Wait up all night if you want," he said. "I don't sleep. Ever."
Anna went white.
"He can read minds," Eowyn informed her. "If you would read the books, you would know that."
And then Anna went kind of... purple. She didn't say anything. Actually, she kind of looked like she might explode if she tried.
"What's she thinking right now?" I asked him out of the corner of my mouth.
" 'La-la-la-la-la,' " he said.
I guess she heard, because she narrowed her eyes.
He blushed (bless his sparkly little heart). "I'm not repeating that."
Anna whirled around, ran smack into Elizabeth, let out a panicked little scream, and booked it back to The Shelf.
"Well... this is not going to end well."
"Thanks for the opti--"
"No, I am telling you. I have Seen the Thoughts of Men, and Wo-men, and Not- Men, and this is not going to end well."
Well... I'd better start hiding all the sharp objects, then.
(More from the Secret Life of Dolls.)