



"Look, there's not going to be any killing, okay?"

I sighed. "Okay, everybody, gather round, because I'm only doing this once."













(Man, we've got quite a crowd going now.)

"Okay. Let me tell y'all how it's going to be. This was not his fault. It was mine. He had to eat something, and I didn't look out for that."
The High Council for Shelf Justice broke out into a loud buzz of disgust, disbelief, disapproval, all kinds of dis-things (although Eowyn looked more disappointed than anything). The first coherent retort was from Purple Arwen:

"Yes, well, I guess that's what makes vampires different then!"

"Then--again, that's my fault, isn't it? So I'm not letting him suffer for my mistakes--"

"--and we're going to settle this like civilized people, and we're not going to kill him, and quite frankly, we're not going to punish him either. Trust me, he'd only enjoy it."



"Look, when everyone's a queen, no one's a queen." Gladdy narrowed her eyes. I immediately began to regret that particular statement. "My point is, it's my job to look out for everyone's welfare, kings and queens and everyone else, and I fell down on this one. Edward was hungry and he didn't tell me--he was too proud to tell me, and he wanted to try to abstain completely. He wanted to be good. And yes, that pride was a failing in this case. But don't any of y'all with your king this and queen that look at me and say that you don't have the same failing, because I don't even want to hear it." I paused. "Well, maybe not White Arwen, but you see where I'm going with this. And I'm sure some of y'all know what it's like to be tempted." I looked Galadriel in the eye. Galadriel is not the kind of person who averts her eyes when challenged, even if you're in the right, so she looked straight back into mine. But the mood of her gaze changed. "And I'm sure we all know what it's like to make mistakes," I said, twisting the knife a little deeper, and then the look on her face really changed. (Yes, I am going to push the You Screwed Up Faramir's Introduction button as often as I have to, and without the least smidge of guilt, because Gladdy really is the closest thing to a Shelf-wide authority and I need her on my side.) "And my mistake--one of many--was to not check in and make sure he was... vampiring properly, or whatever. Do you know what he had been eating, until he ran out? Dust bunnies."
In retrospect, I think this was the turning point in the trial of The Shelf v. Edward Dollen, because most of those present shuddered visibly. Anna just seethed, but that was to be expected.
"And then I cleaned up, and he didn't have any more--"

"Yes. Thank you, Eowyn."

"MY POINT IS, then he didn't have any more, and I didn't check up like I should have, and that's how we ended up with--what happened the other night. For which he is very sorry."

"VERY, VERY SORRY."



"Oh, of course. Absolutely." I looked down at Edward very sternly. "No biting people. Or elves. Or any bipedal beings of a vaguely humanoid nature. Or daemons. Or any stuffed animals not specifically designated for explushination. Or my dogs. You can bite the cat if you want, good luck catching him. And of course, I'll make sure we have plenty of cotton balls. If you get hungry and you can't find appropriately regulated food, you have to tell me. And I'll make sure you stay fed. That's only fair." And then I addressed the others: "In return, everyone else has to BACK OFF. You don't have to be friends, but there will be no persecution, ANNA."

"Well, tough, because I'm not giving you a choice. And take off that stupid hat."

"Well, he can just stop, can't he?" I looked back down at Edward. "No reading people's minds without prior permission. Written permission, even. You can block it out, right?"

"Well, you'll just have to work on that, WON'T YOU?" Supposedly he can't read mine, but I was thinking WORK WITH ME HERE, YOU LITTLE SHIT quite vehemently at this point. "All right? All right. No mind-reading, no unauthorized vampiring, NO TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS. By which I am referring metaphorically to A WIDE VARIETY of vampire-hunting implements, ANNA."


"So. Right. Well. Let's go get some of that pie, then. Pie for everyone! Off you go."


"I think that went rather well," I said.

"Lyra? What's Lyra got to do with--"


"No--there were a ton of them on sale, but I never did--you know how I am when I see a good deal" (shopping is a spectator sport in my family) "but I knew it'd be a terrible idea to get a Mrs. Coulter, I didn't want one anywhere near Lyra. Someone was selling her fur cloak separately on the cheap, I thought about buying that, but--"

"Absolutely sure. I haven't bought anything since The Littlest Edward." I glanced back over my shoulder. "And you see how that turned out. But no--I haven't ordered anything."

"If Lyra understands the alethiometer better than anyone--what's she getting out of it?"

"Do you want to get the Mirror out again?"

I looked back over towards The Shelf. Purple Arwen was passing out slices of lemon meringue; Anna was sulking blackly on top of my night lamp.
"Yeah... that might be a good idea."
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