Today: Nicole wants to know how Crazy But Better Actress Jan is A) going to get Shawn into the Love Cage and then B) how that will make him fall in love with her. The Doug-Alice funeral is today; Julie has already started up with the baritone "OHHHHH GOD" moans. Shawn is moving out of the apartment; Bo has had a haircut. I kinda like the shaggy better. Marlena's arrest has hit the papers, and Celeste worries that she's wrong about her mind-reading skills and that Marlena might actually be guilty. Finally, John asks Marlena why she confessed to him before she fell off the balcony if she really is innocent. Credits.
Hospital: Celeste worries that championing Marlena's innocence might set her free to kill again. Lexie points out that this really isn't Celeste's problem, but rather the court's, and so she can just chill. Marlena tells John that she remembers nothing; John tells Marlena that if "we"--notice the "we"--can't clear her name, she'll go to Death Row. Marlena: DUN DUN DUN!
Kids' apartment: Helle's Belle isn't sure she can ever face Shawn again, much less at Alice's funeral. Cut to Brady House: Shawn has decided to leave Salem, maybe join the merchant marine like Bo. Hope is not happy; Bo "understands what he's going through." Hope: DUN DUN DUN! Commercials. We come back. Bo says Shawn should go with their blessing if he wants to. Yeah, well, he doesn't have mine, says Hope. Someone is so not getting laid tonight.
Church of the Double Funeral. Jennifer, Not!Mickey, Julie. Apparently Jennifer had a dream about Alice speaking at her own funeral, which we now see. Alice gives an inspirational speech... wow, Alice is NotMickey's mother? Whoa. Julie's upset because she thought she would "have Gram to lean on" at Doug's funeral and... is it just me, or is Julie always focused on herself? Damn. Awwwww, it's a flashback to Little Jennifer and Reasonably Younger Alice! And it's the same Jennifer actress, too, you can tell! Awwww. She left boarding school to live with the grandparents, apparently.
Hospital. "You know..." says John, "Sami thinks I'm the killer." Marlena doesn't believe John is the killer. Despite telling everyone when she first woke up that he was. You know. Bygones. More kissing of hands. Marlena asks to go to the double funeral. Well, if they can drag that hospital bed she's cuffed to along with them... "OVER MY DEAD BODY," says Lexie's voice offstage. Lexie is also among the people that I heart. Commercials. The Advantix commercial with the lab puppy singing at puppy camp is painfully cute AWWWWWW. My dog raises an eyebrow and rolls over.
Kids' apartment. Belle can't face Shawn. Yes, we know. Knock at the door: it's Hope (damn, she moves fast). Hope was "just in the neighborhood." She says she doesn't blame Belle, and demands that Belle come to the funeral, and that Shawn is not himself. Cut to the Brady house, Bo and Shawn. Bo gives Shawn the key to his motorcycle while Bo reminisces about leaving Salem in the dust. NOOOOO, NOT SHAWN, HE IS THE CUTE ONE! HE CAN'T LEAVE! Hope busts through the door--damn, woman, do you just teleport or something? She refuses to let Shawn leave.
Chez Crazy. Nicole: "Shawn's just not going to walk into some oversized hamster cage and start making wild love to you!" Crazy Jan: "Not at first." Then Crazy Jan says she's going to the funeral and Nicole explodes with WTFness. Jan insists that she will go and nothing will stand between her and Shawn.
Hospital. Lexie is filled with righteous funereal anger. Marlena insists she is innocent. Lexie asks to examine Marlena in private. Again: Salem clearly only has one doctor in the hospital, and Lexie is it, conflict of interest be damned. John asks Celeste if she still thinks that Marlena is innocent. Celeste's like, uh... well... it seemed so at the time. Marlena tries to talk Lexie into letting her go and bursts into tearful protestations of innocence. Lexie rolls her eyes. "Or maybe you just need to go out and kill again, right?" Commercials.
Brady House. Hope: "YOUR DAD'S BIKE?" Shawn's all with the "Please, Mom, understand, I need to experience life outside Salem." Hope's funeral sweater is distractingly sparkly but agrees with its wearer that Shawn should stay.
Hospital: Marlena says that she can sign herself out no matter what Lexie says. Lexie reminds her that she's under arrest and, oh yeah!, handcuffed to the bed. "She needs to build up her strength," Lexie tells the returning John, "and Loooord knows she'll need it to make it through her first night in prison." Marlena: DUN DUN DUN! I begin to wonder if Days is actually going to resort to the Large Marge cellmate stereotype. Wouldn't surprise me. Commercials. Something about a Friends lookalike contest on my local affiliate.
Chez Crazy. Nicole is tossing the joint looking for the hidden evidence. Jan comes in draped in full veil and funeral regalia, attempting to pose as an old woman. Nicole pulls out Exclamation of WTF #634. Crazy Jan storms out shouting that she doesn't need anymore of Nicole's "negative energy."
Church of the Double Funeral. That priest I like comes by. Belle has come at Hope's request. Philip shows up in military regalia and assures Belle that she belongs there, and then asks to sit with her. Jennifer and Abby walk by, and Abby is heard to whine, "What's Belle doing here? Her mom's the killer." HA! Jennifer hustles Abby on to their pew. Commercials.
Marlena's room. Marlena is begging John to go to the funeral and to get release forms for her to sign and to get her released into John's custody. The name of the game? Let's See How Gullible John Feels Today. Marlena goes from sobbing to actual shrieking. John in the foreground: *tear*.
Cemetery: Ah, Kate in the Miniskirt of Grief. Celeste appears and tells Kate that she hopes that "today, the dead will give up their secrets." What, you made an appointment?
Church of the Double Funeral. Jennifer gives Abby a stiff talking-to about innocent until proven guilty and Belle not being blamed for her mother's deeds, because Jennifer has class. Abby puts her nose up in the air and sits down as if she didn't hear, because she does not. Also because she is ten years old. There's also that. Hope asks Shawn if he intends to ignore Belle for the rest of his life. Shawn basically says, yeah, something like that.
The priest I like starts the ceremony. Fade to Bo talking to the assembled crowd about... how he and Doug didn't get along initially. Oh, good. Flashback to... something about Alice not believing that Roman killed someone? Holy hell, Younger Bo has some mountain-man hair. Wait, Bo and Alice are making drugged donuts to free Roman? What? That was the most confusing flashback ever.
Fade to Hope talking about Doug. Flashback to Younger Doug giving Younger Hope a baby blanket for what I'm going to assume is unborn baby Shawn. Alice gives Younger Hope earrings for her wedding day. I'm assuming these are all the same actors, which is really satisfying in a way--a cheesy, cheesy way--to see them in scenes from twenty years ago. Heh, Alice says she didn't give them to Hope the day she married Larry Welch because she knew that wasn't Hope's "real wedding." Snerk.
Alice appears to Celeste right on time (I guess she did make an appointment). Alice has something to tell Celeste... something that will have to wait until after commercials. Those singing blonde twins are getting on my last nerve. Oh, and those McDonald's salads? The secret ingredient is crack rock. Sister Girl is addicted to them. She spends something like $30 a week on those things--they're like $4.50 apiece or something.
Celeste: "Is Marlena the killer?" Alice does not actually say, "Look, you keep asking us this shit and we keep telling you, We. Are Not. Allowed. To Tell You. So Stop. ASKING." Not in so many words, anyway. More importantly: There will be one more death before all this is over. Well, John ain't killed Marlena yet, so...
Jennifer at the podium. She actually says, "...all the days of our lives." Drink! Montage of flashback hugging. My priest helps Jennifer to her seat and calls everyone to prayer. Belle whispers to Mimi that she has to find a way to get to Shawn. Meanwhile, Shawn gets up and goes to Crazy Veiled Jan and asks how she knew his grandmother--ohhhhhh, shit, in comes Marlena in a wheelchair pushed by John. To which she is handcuffed. Hee. Apparently the answer is, "Not as gullible as usual." The crowd gasps.
Preview: Bo shouts at Marlena that they have evidence she came back from (where was it? Colorado?) earlier than she said she did, and that's just more evidence against her. Philip tells Belle that if Shawn loves her so damn much, he [Shawn] should be by her side. (I don't like Belle, but go Philip.) Bonnie is with Patrick at Not!Tuscany throwing the hissy of all time: "WHY! IS IT! THAT THINGS! NEVERGOMYWAY!" Seriously, she's stomping her feet like a two-year-old, it's impressive.