So. We were all still recovering from The Serafina-Faramir Incident when I was going through my mail on Saturday morning. Well, actually, I was letting The Littlest Edward sort it, since he's still in need of occupation.
"It worked out for the best, I think," he said, organizing the envelopes by date. "This way, no hearts are broken and no homes are wrecked. And of the two truly single men left" (it took me a moment to realize that he was including himself rather than Faramir One in this description) "she chose the safest option. It's a good thing I kept out of her sight. She might have been too dazzled to resist me. And with such a... a... natural... beauty, I... would not have been able to control myself. It's better this way. And maybe the other Faramir will be straightened out by the love of a good woman."
"That's not how it works," I said, somehow managing not to thump him. "Also, that was a really terrible pun. I hope you're proud of yourself."
He looked up and grinned a tiny grin at me.
I did my best not to grin back. You know, he really would be very charming if he would get over the whole "prissy stalker virgin" thing. "Okay then, Postmaster General, tell me what you've got for me."
"Eye shadow? I think this will be very becoming," he said (he was going through my Aromaleigh samples), "but I'm not so sure about this one." The "very becoming" shade was called Luster ("A luscious and shimmering mid-tone warm beige"), whereas "this one" was a "teal green iridescent glitz [that] fades to the blackest black."
"Well, I didn't choose that--that was a freebie," I said quickly. Although Luster was also a freebie--the one I had ordered was called Olivia ("coppery sunset pearl"). I told The Littlest Priss to set his mind at ease regarding the appropriateness of my maquillage: I really don't wear shadow that dark--the darkest I go is a medium purple, to be honest, because I have unfortunately deep-set eyes and so I have to wear fairly light shades in order to open up my face and--wait, what's this?
"Uh, you have some mail."
"I have what?"
So I got out my little mail slicer thing and opened it for him--turns out it was a gift from supervillainess.
"It's a journal!" he said, his face lighting up. I was biting my lip, desperate not to scream SCRAPBOOK SCRAPBOOK SCRAPBOOK! or laugh like a hyena. You know. Either one. Maybe both. "I can really use one of these," he said. "I have a lot of feelings, you know. Some self-expression would probably do me some good."
"I'm very well aware," I said with an admirably straight face. So I wrapped a bit of tape around some mechanical pencil lead, you know, so he could hold it without getting his fingers dirty. "Enjoy your--wait. Dude. There's something else here for you."
"Dude! You got more mail than I did!"
Please accept some very nice merino roving with extra sparkle. Hopefully this will improve Edward's diet.
"They KNOW?" he said, horrified. "Your people know about my moral lapses?"
"They're entirely supportive! Entirely sympathetic to your plight! Hence the wool."
He looked at me uncertainly.
"You are an inspiration to them all," I assured him, and don't you dare write and tell him otherwise.
He took a tentative nibble.
"Oh, go on, take it with you, have a party," I said, waving him away. He hates eating in front of people, after all.
As he was bundling up his treats (I was fighting off Baa, baa, sparklepire, have you any wool? in my head and losing), he turned back: "You have one more package, by the way--it's addressed to your real name, though."
"Who in the world--oh! It's my eBay thing. Excellent. Go on and eat, I'll take care of it."
And here is what I bought on eBay for the princely sum of $5 (seller's picture, not mine):
Does anyone know how to put a crossbow together?
(More from the Secret Life of Dolls; fan community)