So. Now that The Littlest Edward's settled in--in fact,
--I turned my attention to the various relationship dramas on The Shelf. Eowyn and Faramir One have actually been doing fairly well--now that Eowyn has a sword and shield of her very, very own, she and Faramir have been going at it (on the battlefield, you guys) for hours on end, which at least has been a good way to work off all the sexual tension. ("Man, have I been there," said Elizabeth. "'Sword-fighting lessons,' riiiight.") Of course then Faramir had to go and make the mistake of suggesting that they paint a White Tree of Gondor on her new black shield, which was actually a pretty fantastic compliment from his standpoint, but instead offended Eowyn's
"Now, forgive me for asking, but--are you bisexual?"

"Not at all?"

"And you're definitely not straight. You know this for sure."

"Well then how in hell are you planning to make this work?"


"Well, I don't really want to get a faceful of sword again, but I have to try and say something, I guess."



"I... I really would not advise you to do that. Not with Serafina. Not no but hell no."
I would also not have advised him to say this in front of Eowyn, but you and I both know the boy has no game. It didn't cause a complete rift between them, but... I did notice that Eowyn whaled on him a bit harder after that, and in not an entirely friendly way.


Faramir Two's first plan, meanwhile, seemed to be stalling for time--not a bad plan, I guess; maybe, in getting Serafina to care about him, he could convince her to ease up on her determination to kill him. They started off with a get-to-know-you pie date, during which he expressed admiration, once again, for the fabulosity of her dress; she slyly offered to show him the interior construction. He was not the least bit fazed.

That night, Serafina was settling down on her book-perch as the evening came to a close, knees pulled up to her chest (The Littlest Edward, who had come to ask for a cotton ball refill, covered his eyes and fled), musing to herself as I turned off the overhead light and settled down for one last email check.

"Yeah... well. It happens, I guess." I wanted to be stern about it, but the truth is that isn't even the first time I've been in the line of fire--Eowyn and Purple Arwen used to have legendary scraps over Fugagorn. And then there was that epic catfight between Eowyn and Ellowyne. Doll-on-doll violence used to be a lot more common around here. A lot. As it was, the best I could muster was mild sarcasm: "So... how's that whole seduction thing going?"

"Well... that's good, I guess...? Okay, look, I gotta ask you this. You come here to protect Lyra, Edward's still around but you don't even bat an eyelash, everything's cool. And from everything I know about witches, you guys are generally pretty chill. Witches don't own things, they don't have a sense of 'honor,' you can't insult a witch because they don't care, whatever--do I have this right? And then you get an eyeful of Faramir and suddenly it's bitch time. I mean--what the hell?"

"But you had to choose Faramir? That Faramir? You had to choose anyone?"

"So why Faramir?"

"His forwardness?" I said. "His forwardness?"

Well, that definitely explains why she wasn't interested in Faramir One. "And... it doesn't matter to you at all that he is not attracted to you, and cannot be attracted to you?"

"NO MEANS NO, SERAFINA PEKKALA!"
"He won't say no," she said, smiling that inscrutable smile. "Good night."
Well, I'm going to have my hands full on this one.
(More from the Secret Life of Dolls; fan community)


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