Today: I missed what Nicole and Brady are doing, but it involves Brady being suspicious. Stop the presses. Bonnie is praying to Alice Horton to make Not!Tuscany a moneymaker. Good luck with that. Patrick is telling some nefarious guy that he won't do anything to hurt Jennifer. Shawn is still trying to get Crazy Veiled Jan to talk. CVJ flashes back to putting a picture on the mantle at Chez Crazy, then totters out of the Church of the Double Funeral, old lady-style, rather than talk to Shawn. Enter Marlena (repeat from yesterday); the crowd freaks out. Jennifer tells Abby she has to "call your Uncle Lucas right now" (Uncle Lucas? Never mind. I don't want to know). Julie freaks out on Marlena and starts strangling her melodramatically: "You killed my husband! You killed my grandmother!" Notice how Julie can't ever say, "You killed Doug, you killed Alice"? She has to say "my" whatever? Yeah. Julie gets on my nerves. Commercials.
Nicole has a flat tire; Brady broke his axle, and offers to fix Nicole's tire in exchange for a ride to the funeral, which, as we saw, is already in WWF-style progress. But Brady doesn't want to show up looking like "a grease monkey," so off with the shirt it is. Lord love the writers. Blame, shouting, lies, promise to tell truth, blah.
Not!Tuscany. The liquor license guy comes in and tells Bonnie her application's denied. Bonnie tries to sweet talk him; License Guy will have none of it. Not only is he displeased with her prior record, but points out that bribing him just makes her look worse. I love this guy.
Nefarious Alley. Rex sees Patrick and asks if he needs help; Patrick says he can take care of himself.
Church of the Double Funeral. Shawn runs to get Belle. Inside, Julie: "MAY GOD STRIKE YOU DEAD!" Julie collapses on a pew in hysterics. Bo asks John if he's out of his mind. Marlena protests her innocence; Belle runs to her mother.
Outside: strangely Shawn does not go in with Belle, but instead continues chasing after Crazy Veiled Jan. It's a good thing they got a new actress, because this one nails The Faux Granny Voice of Not Letting Shawn Know She's That Fruitcake Stalking Him. Shawn asks to see her face. Commercials.
Gas Station of Shirtlessness. Nicole confesses that she set the opera house model on fire, which she had previously denied doing, and admits that she's jealous of Chloe and Chloe's relationship with Brady. Brady's all like, I know Chloe, and you're not Chloe. Nicole says that she had it worse than Chloe with the abusive father and all. Brady explodes that Chloe grew up in a string of foster homes and conquered cancer. Nicole shouts that there are "good victims that everyone roots for, and bad ones like me," and that her father forced her to do porno films and--wow, I had no idea. Brady's all like, here is the smallest violin in the world crying a river for you. Nicole may or may not be playing this for sympathy, but her whole "good victims and bad victims" thing is fascinating.
Not!Tuscany. Bonnie is weeping over her lost liquor license as Patrick comes in with Rex. "WHY! IS IT! THAT THINGS! NEVERGOMYWAY!" Patrick goes after his mother as Rex gets a call from Mimi, who says she'll be right over to handle her mother. As she leaves the Church of the Double Funeral, she asks Philip to "take care of Belle." Yeah, don't throw him into that briar patch. Philip rags on Shawn for not staying through the whole service and not hanging around to see Belle. Shawn, meanwhile, is still harassing Crazy Old Lady Jan. She says that Alice talked about the girl Alice hoped Shawn would marry. "Belle?" "No, that wasn't her name." Ohhhh, slick.
Church. John, Hope, Bo, Belle, Marlena. Guilty! Innocent! Guilty! Innocent! Commercials!
Not!Tuscany: Bonnie sweeps violently. Patrick asks what's up. Bonnie insists that Patrick's "the one in the catbird seat" and that he should romance Jennifer. Patrick points out that Jennifer is A PREGNANT WIDOW.
Cemetery. Shawn's all like, Belle's the girl I've been with, don't know who else you'd be talking about. Crazy Old Lady Jan rallies with a "tragic story" about... Jan Spears that Alice Horton "told her." Shawn rebuts that he and Jan were never a couple. COL Jan insists that he must have had feelings for Jan if he gave up so much for her. Shawn's like, whatever.
Church of the Double Funeral. Bo and Hope argue about Marlena. In front of Marlena. Bo is less badass with his new haircut. John interjects that he knows his wife inside and out (ew) and says that he believes she's innocent, despite that whole, you know, gleeful-confession and pulling-of-guns and attempted forcing-off-balconies thing. Commercials.
Gas Station of Shirtlessness. Nicole swears her innocence up and down. Hee hee hee--Brady goes through a litany of Nicole's lies: "I wasn't in Tony's room... except I was. I didn't burn the model... except I did." The faces he makes are priceless.
Church of the Double Funeral. Helle's Belle hugs her daddy. Marlena's all like, "My family means everything to me." Julie: "Well, you'll excuse us while we BURY OURS." Belle asks Hope where Shawn is; Hope tells Belle to stay behind with Philip. Outside, Shawn insists that he felt sorry for Jan but didn't love her, and that his grandmother knew he didn't love Jan, and that marrying Jan was just something he made up to help her, etc. Crazy Old Lady Jan keeps insisting that Alice thought that Shawn had made some sort of commitment to Jan, and--look, I wasn't around for this plotline back in the day, but it's pretty obvious that Jan is talking out of her ass here. And... here comes Hope. "Hey, Mom--here's someone I'd like you to meet." Jan: DUN DUN DUN! Commercials.
Return to scene. Shawn turns around; Jan has vanished. Exit Hope and Shawn; Jan comes out from behind a hedge.
Horton plot. Everyone's gathered around the coffins. Various cast members lay flowers on the coffins (Hope on "Daddy's," Abby on "Great-Gram's," Julie on Doug's, Shawn on Alice's, etc.). A shot of Guilty Belle with Crazy Veiled Jan in the background. Commercials. We return to the same scene. Hope insists that Shawn shouldn't leave and that they have to keep the family together. Belle tells Philip that she wishes she could be with Shawn (dude, twist the knife). Hope hugs Shawn. Bo fires Marlena's accompanying police officer and tells him to get out of his sight, and Marlena protests. Bo points out that Marlena's insisted on coming to the cemetery where she killed Doug. Marlena says she didn't, but Bo brings up the Coming Back from Colorado Early bit that kills her alibi for that first crime. Marlena: DUN DUN DUN!
Gas Station of Shirtlessness. Nicole tells Brady to check her bank account to see if she paid off an accomplice. He says he already did (heh), and nothing was missing. Then he implies that she sexed someone up for the job, which offends Nicole mightily.
Not!Tuscany. Mimi and Patrick discuss their mother's sabotage of Mimi and Rex's relationship. Patrick is growing on me. Bonnie is drowning her liquor-license woes in a flask of something. Rex offers to help, and after Bonnie sneers viciously at him, she catches on--Rex has the clean character necessary to get the license. God, she's a bitch and she's dumb. Commercials. Return. Patrick and Mimi swear (literally) to each other that they won't let the people they love get mixed up with Bonnie. Cut to: Bonnie sucking Rex into the Not!Tuscany scheme. (Wait... Rex finished college in less than a year? No wonder they thought he was an alien.)
Gas Station of Shirtlessness. Well, Gas Station of Newly Shirtedness, now. Brady insists that the truth will come out. Flashback to the scene where Marlena ran into Jan and Nicole outside the kids' apartment.
Horton plot. Philip's beeper goes off--he has orders to return to
Previews: Celeste is found unconscious, and cries of "The killer has struck again!" go up. Nefarious Guy tells Patrick that he's got to get rid of Jennifer (I think that's what he says), and Jennifer is apparently overhearing this behind a hedge. How can Shawn forgive Belle? (How can this plotline get anymore repetitive?) Marlena says, "I am... the Salem stalker...," but she sounds incredulous.