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Occupation: Girl

Please close the door and switch on the fun without fail.

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Let the games begin
galadriel doll
Finally, the long-awaited, long-bitched-for day: NECA finally released their Bella figure, and I finally placed my order.

"It's so COLD here. Is it always like this?"

Now, I admit, I keep the air conditioning on pretty cold upstairs; my family called me The Polar Bear (yes, really) when I was a teenager, back when I reigned supreme with my Thermostat of Terror on the upper floor of the old house. And in this house, once again, I have full control of The Upper Realm, and I command a chilly kingdom. But we were downstairs in the kitchen at the time, which meant that the AC wasn't even on because we were having a "cold snap" (for May) of 65 degrees.

"What? This is Alabama. If you can't even hack it here--"

"Back in Phoenix, it would be at least a hundred degrees right now."

"Oh, whatever! You're from" --I grabbed the packing box she'd arrived in-- "MINOOKA, ILLINOIS."

"I. AM. COLD." She folded her arms and hugged herself. "I don't even want to know how cold it gets when it rains. Does it rain a lot here? Stupid rain."

And then she fell over. Yes, clumsiness comes standard with The Littlest Bella.

Bella Facts:

Isabella Marie Swan
Date of birth: September 13, 1987
Status: Human
Special abilities: Accident prone and attracts bad luck

Yes, those are her abilities. Although they did leave out mental blocking and power whining.

(As a side note, Edward's stats on the other side of the box have at least been spell-checked this time.)

"All right, let's go upstairs--"

"Ugh. Is this where I meet the family?" She rolled her eyes. "Everywhere I go, everyone always wants to crowd around and meet the new girl, it's so embarrassing. I mean, you'd think they wouldn't be interested in someone so pale and slim and unusually intelligent."

"Mm," I said. "Actually, I was going to try to sneak you in as unobtrusively as possible. The blonde with the shield, I'm pretty sure she wants to scratch your eyes out. And watch out for the one in the corset if you see her around, she'll cut a bitch. And by bitch I mean you."

Bella blinked for a moment; she was quiet on the way up, but on the threshold of my room, she recovered her whiny equilibrium. "Are there a lot of guys? Guys are the worst. I mean, girls always whisper behind your back about how your eyes can't really be so chocolate brown, but guys actually come up and try to talk to you. I hope none of them want to, you know, ask me out all at once or anything--"

I pointed to each of the guys, none of whom had noticed us yet:





"... mellow."

"And they're all twice your height," I added.

She sniffed. "Good. None of them will bother me, then."

"Well, I do happen to know someone just your size, if you'd like to meet him--he won't bother you or anything, but if you'd at least like to be acquainted with someone on the same eye level as you..."

"Well, I mean... I guess." She shifted back and forth from foot to foot. "I mean... you could just point him out or something. I don't actually want to... talk to anyone." She folded her arms more tightly around herself: "I'm sorry, I'm just really cold. Do you have anything--"

Suddenly I felt sorry for her. "Look, one of the girls has some winter stuff she's not wearing right now, I'll see if she can share."

So of course Lyra came bounding over, wanting to meet the new girl--who was standing on the file cabinet, tapping one foot impatiently while she shivered.

Lyra narrowed her eyes. "You've never killed anyone."

"Um... no?"

(Okay, I'll give that one to Bella: that really was a weird question. Non-question. Whatever.)

Bella looked down at Pan, who looked up and gave her the stink-eye. "What is that, like... a possum or something?"

"Right now I am A FERRET," said Pan, bristling.

"Whoa... okay," said Bella, stepping back. And then she fell over.

Fortunately she fell onto Lyra's winter coat, which was obviously too big for Bella--it was longer than she was tall--but the gloves kind of fit, maybe, in an oven mitt kind of way, and Lyra's cap gave her a babushka kind of look.

"That's hot," Bella said dryly, surveying her reflection in the cheap little mirror off my dresser. "Thanks, Lara. I guess."


So while the girls were busy getting bad impressions of each other, I sneaked out to grab The Littlest Edward--but he was already there, peeking around the door frame.

"You don't have to talk to her just yet," I whispered. "No pressure. She wants to play it low-key for a while--"

"You told her about me?"

"I didn't tell her anything, I just said there was someone else her size. She wasn't the least bit interested in meeting anyone else, even after I pointed them all out," I said encouragingly.

He stared from the shadows of the hall, looking a little green around the gills. Bella was awkwardly wandering around the top of my file cabinet, picking at her cuticles and reading the titles of my books.

"Well? What do you think?"


But I never heard what his original impression of The Littlest Bella was, because just then, the air conditioning kicked in.

Oh God. Somehow, that had totally slipped my mind.

He clutched the corner of the frame and--well, I guess you'd say he convulsed a little. "She's scented!" he gasped, his eyes shocked wide. "It's like--like--"

"I know, I know. Freesia, or maybe lavender. Even though freesia and lavender smell nothing alike."

"You can smell it too?"

I sighed. "Think you can handle it?"

"I don't know--" he whimpered, his knuckles white.

"Oh, at least give it a shot and try to talk to her! Or just WAVE. You spent hours in the cabinet with Clarice!"

"But this..." His voice dropped to the tiniest whisper: "This is different."

"Well, you better make your move quick, because you've got competition," I said, jerking my head.

I'd felt him behind us even before I turned to look, and it was not a good feeling. I'd told myself that we would be okay, that she wouldn't tempt Tonner Edward--The Littlest Bella didn't have luscious rooted curls; she wasn't showing any skin, not even a wrist; and she was crankier than even I'd expected. But apparently she had one hell of a flavor wafting out there into the hall, because when I turned around,

Tonner Edward was behind us, already leaning forward as if readying himself to spring, his eyes keen and black and shining.

The Littlest Edward whipped around before I'd even finished speaking--by the time I had turned all the way around they were both way down in their predator crouches, bristling and snarling (although the sound coming from The Littlest Edward was naturally more of a higher-pitched RRRREWR), and just when I thought they might settle it with A Motherfucking Hair-Off, The Littlest Edward LEAPED.

The last thing I heard as they tumbled out of sight was a tiny huff from the file cabinet: "Oh, that is so mature."

(More from the Secret Life of Dolls; fan community)

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I dunno about you guys because I haven't read the comments yet but uh... I'm kinda loving Bella, right now. XD If she ends up not like either of them this is gonna be hilarious. Poor TLE.

... Somehow I can see her chilling with Faramir and Legolas. Not sure how.

Special abilities:...attracts bad luck

Like the opposite of a talisman? Creepy. That'd be reason enough for me to keep her out of the house.


That is all I can come up with.

Tears! I am in tears! I think this may be one of my favorite episodes. TLE is just the cutest thing ever. I just want to eat him up. In a totally non-weird, I-don't-usually-eat-plastic sort of way.


Also, while I kind of want to slap TLB, you made me love TLE, so I'm gonna keep the faith for a while~

"She's scented!" he gasped, his eyes shocked wide.

I WAS RIGHT! (well, the scented part, but I did say PVC and NOT freesia, specifically...)


Bring on the Motherfucking Hair-Off, I am so ready for this!

You totally made my night. Thanks!

Okay, this is 5 kinds of geekery right here, but I never knew SMeyer had picked out birthdays for them.

Really, really astrologically incompatible birthdays.

He's a Gemini, she's a Virgo. Not good. One website I went to to refresh my memory literally wrote.

"these two are star-crossed from the beginning. Gemini treats Virgo as a boring creature. There are precise representations about sexual behavior in the Virgo's head. The Gemini will show indecision. After attenuation of passion's fire Virgo will start to grumble and criticize Gemini. Gemini will start searching for entertainment with someone else in his/her turn. Passions run on a low thermostat; their sex life soon turns chilly. This is going to be as short as flash relationship, which has not a chance to last long time. "

But, actually? Flipping to my Gigundous Horoscope Book of Doom, their individual birthdays are ... well, here:

"Blessed with a remarkable level of concentration and resilient determination, they may face great obstacles (read: cliffs) to their success, but not for a moment will the outcome be in doubt for them."

"Because of their sincerity and dedication, they gain the respect of others, even those who vehemently oppose them and feel what they are doing is harmful. At a certain point in their lives those born on this day may change direction dramatically... once on this path, they will continue on it until the bitter (or happy) end."

"they have intense physical drives which must be satisfied as well (read: running on anti-headboard platform) They have a great biological need to share their life with an understanding mate or partner who is capable of completely accepting them, along with all their foibles."

"Day of Ecstatic Appeal"

He shares a birthday with Errol Flynn, Cyndi Lauper, Brian Wilson and Lionel friggin Richie. I demand a fanvid made to "Hello", now, right now.


"June 20th people have a way of arousing strong emotions and bringing them out. Exceptional people born on this day can even experience or allow others to experience a loss of rational orientation or a heightened state. Such a state in extreme cases may be trancelike, ecstatic, even hysterical. Powers of ESP, psychic and predictive abilities are not uncommon among June 20 people."

"They should periodically examine their logic, for if it is employed to serve purely emotional ends then it may not be reasonable at all."

"No matter how sensible or rational [they] appear, there is usually an underlying irrationality in their make-up. Because of this, excitement and emotionality seem to swirl around them. (read: panties)"

"Although June 20 people are ultra-sensitive to emotion they may not always be sensitive to the concerns of others at any given time."

weaknesses listed include: Overly emotional, repressed, and destructive.

I wish them all the best.

Can I just say, first of all, that I listened to David Cook's cover of "Hello" through my entire reading of Midnight Sun? It was extremely suitable.

allow others to experience a loss of rational orientation or a heightened state

Bella, like, passes out (and at one point her heart literally stops, while she's in the hospital) every time he kisses her. Well done!

(You realize everyone here is going to be like, "DO MY BIRTHDAY! DO MINE!," right?)

LOVE.IT.All. OMG, our TLE is a (tiny) tiger. Though I've been feeling sorry for Edward Dollen, he better not hurt TLE or I'll kick his ass.

Wait....ok, I'm officially over the edge. Kick a doll's butt? Hahahahaha!! The lulz are never going to stop now, TLB's arrival will see to that.

Cleo, there are no words. You are absolutely the best, thanks for making my day. :)

Oh, hell yes.

She's annoying (and, it has to be said, pretty weird-looking), but I was ambivalent about TLE in the beginning and I've grown to love him, so...reserving judgment. She's very true to her book self, at any rate - it's just that now her internal bitchiness has to be verbal.

But that bit at the end, especially the last photo, just killed me. I need to, like, print that out and frame it or something.

Ahaha! I scared my cat, laughing at "Oh, that is so mature." Just. Heh. heheheh.

Wow, The Littlest Bella's even more obnoxious than I remember from the books. And I love TLE to bits, but this can't end well even with his high-pitched snarling omgsquee!

A Motherfucking Hair-Off


Hahaha. "A Motherfucking Hair-Off." Nice.


And TLB is reminding me of Gerald Ford on SNL with the frequency that she falls down. :)

Is it bad that I'm finding her bitchiness really entertaining in a sick way? (especially because the Shelf crew will NOT tolerate such things, hee hee)



LMAO! A Motherfucking Hair-Off!!! WHOO!!!! I hope TLE messes up The Largest Doucheward's hair!!

Also, TLB angers me. Maybe her and Tonner Edward are meant to be! Oh, that would create some dramz for TLE