Bella stared at him. Then she stared at him some more. Then she said, her voice husky with fascination, "Really?"
She came closer--reached out, eyes gleaming--almost covetously--
"No, you must not--!"
"But it's true? You're really a vampire? Where are your fangs?"
"I don't have any--I'm a very particular kind of vampire." She edged even closer. "No, you really shouldn't--"
"And I'm the most beautiful girl you've ever smelled?"
"You... you don't think that's... creepy? Or disgusting? Or perverted?"
"Well, not anymore!" By this time she had already hooked her fingers under his lapels and was leaning in, lips parted, for the kill--
"NO, DON'T DO THAT."
She stopped, pouting. "Can't you just bite me a little?"
"NO! IF I BIT YOU, YOU WOULD DIE IMMEDIATELY IN TERRIBLE, RABID AGONY! I CAN NEVER EVEN KISS YOU! YOUR LUSCIOUS FREESIA FLAVOR WOULD OVERWHELM ME AND I WOULD TEAR YOU TO PIECES!"
"Okay, we're going to need to renegotiate this kissing thing--"
"FIVE MINUTES AGO I WAS 'YOU FREAK'!"
"Well, you're not now," she purred--he faltered--
"No! No! Everything about me is designed to lure you in! I am the Venus Fly Trap of vampires! I am a pitcher plant of love. You must run, you must hide, you must save yourself!"
"As if she could run from you, Edward," I said, because somebody had to.
"WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME?" he shrieked. "TELL HER!"
"It's true. He really is very dangerous. He nearly deplushinated a polar bear a few months back."
"Really?" she said, starry-eyed.
"THANKS A LOT!"
"Why don't you show her?" I said, really starting to enjoy myself. "Show her your insect-catching mucilage."
"Your--" I wiggled some spirit fingers at him. This is, of course, the international gesture for "sparkle."
He heaved a martyrious sigh. "I suppose I must--come on!" he said, and grabbed her by the arm.
"WHOA! Okay, weirdo, I've got two left feet but I can walk."
So together they went back to my room, where he helped her climb up to the file cabinet (she did nearly fall about seven times, but allowed him to catch her by the elbow now that she knew he was a sexxxy vaaaampiiiiiiire); he sprang effortlessly to the hatbox on top of the printer (Bella gasped; behind us, I heard activity on The Shelf proper cease). I went with them because there was no way I was going to miss this.
"Perhaps this will make you understand," he intoned, speaking to her but nodding to me, "that I was created to attract you--to destroy you--that I have--THE SKIN OF A KILLERRRR!"
That was my cue, I guess--I yanked up the blinds.
"Oh, you have got to be KIDDING ME."
The one day we need sunshine? It's pissing down rain.
"Look, it's okay--we'll--we'll..." And finally my depression came in handy: "Hey! The full spectrum lamp! I mean, it's supposed to be a sunlight substitute, surely that'll work--?"
So he shook out his hands and loosened his shoulders and reassumed the position--took a deep, nervous breath and nodded to me again: "... Go."
I switched on the lamp.
Mere photography really does not do his shimmer justice
(No, I'm serious, it really doesn't)
Maybe it was just my imagination, but I thought I heard an echo of windchimes.
(Back on The Shelf, the Middle-earth crowd gave him an appreciative golf clap.)
Bella made a sound of surprise I can only transcribe as Oh~eugh.
"I know, right?"
"Yeah... that's really... something. I definitely believe you now."
He stepped out of the lamplight and rejoined her on the file cabinet. "So... now you see... what a terrible monster I am."
"Eh," she said. "I'm clumsy; you have a glitter condition. Nobody's perfect."
"I'm also A VAMPIRE!"
"Can you sparkle with your shirt off?"
He drew back but she leaped forward, grabbing his coat again--perhaps she thought she would test the Shirtless Hypothesis for herself--then fell flat on her face as he ducked right out of her arms with his supersparklespeed and fled. She rolled over onto her back, heedless of the faceful of cabinet metal she'd just eaten, and sighed dreamily, "Oh, he's so athletic."
(More from the Secret Life of Dolls; fan community)