Cleolinda Jones (cleolinda) wrote,
Cleolinda Jones
cleolinda

Gloomy Sunday

So I might as well tell you that I didn't post the new Secret Life because things are better; they're worse. I posted it because if I waited for things to get better, I might never post again. I made do with the LJ site's update page (there's more formatting than for my average LJ post) and pictures from my phone instead of my camera--the family computer is healthy but old, only 30GB of storage and I don't even know what the memory's like. I don't want to download all my pet programs because I'm not sure how many of them this computer could handle, if any. So I'm just doing the best I can with what I've got. It's got Word and the internet and that's enough to do my e-book footnotes.

(Please don't send me video links, for whatever reason. There's a lot of things I can't get to work on this computer, so there's just no point. I'm sorry.)

Basically, I've been staving off panic attacks. I haven't had a purely stress-induced panic attack in years--the other one I had was because I was in a very small space with constant ear-splitting noise (read: a club with a loud band), but that kind of thing just happens. All I know is, I've spent the last two or three days feeling this tightness in my chest and shoulders and wanting to throw up--I don't think this is going to make sense, but--it's not a physical feeling. It's not an upset stomach, it's not literal chest pains. It's an emotional feeling in a physical location. I can't explain it better than that.

I think a big part of my problem is that I'm a champion worrier, and I immediately leap to the worst-case scenario--I convince myself it's inevitable. If we have potential (potential!) financial problems, OMFG WE ARE GOING TO LOSE THE HOUSE. A family argument = ARMAGEDDON. So, I mean... a lot of that is something I have to consciously work on, if I recognize that I'm doing it. (I did go see my doctor last week, and we did talk about this. That, and staying out of other people's conflicts, and refusing if necessary to be involved.)

So. Anyway. I don't know. I'm just trying to get my not-stomach upset and my not-muscle tightness to calm down long enough to let me focus and work.

And just so this entry isn't unrelentingly grim, here's a picture of the downstairs office--set up by my parents for if/when they have to work on the weekends--where I work now. The black and white tote bag on the left is mine, for hauling my drafts and flash drive and headphones and what-all up and down and all around the house.



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Tags: depression, health
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