Bonnie hoodwinks Not!Mickey into putting his name on the liquor license, telling him that she got put on probation for "stealing a loaf of bread and a bottle of milk for her babies," yeahright. Mickey is overwhelmed with compassion and agrees. Now, seriously--yes, Bonnie's a shady character, but as a businessman, you need that liquor license. It shouldn't be this big scary thing to get Not!Mickey to sign for it. Clearly, Not!Mickey is inferior to his predecessor in this regard.
Helle's Belle. Blah blah blah. Well, this dovetails into the Marlena plot, but suffice it to say that Belle ends up running off from that plot and Mimi and Philip are trying (or "trying," in Philip's case) to get Belle and Shawn back together, so they plant a boombox cued up to Belle and Shawn's Song on the roof, and when Belle wanders out there she turns it on, and theoretically Shawn will find her up there and OMG love is in the air. Except that Philip wanders out there and they end up hugging. And Shawn finds them like that.
Marlena. This is convoluted, so let me simplify: Marlena gets possessed by the devil. Yellow cat eyes, Darkness voice, dark shadows on her face, etc. She seems to come to and begs for Belle to come protect her. Belle does. Marlena promptly starts throttling Belle and shouting in her Satan voice that she's taking Belle to hell with her. (And House of Cleo rang with shouts of "Go Marlena! Go Crazy Satan Woman, go! Kill! Kill!") Bo and Hope draw their guns. John and Shawn try to pry Belle away. Priest exorcises Marlena; on the count of three, John and Shawn rip Belle away. Marlena slumps over. John pronounces her "gone." This takes, like, ten minutes and three commercial breaks. You're welcome.
...if by "gone" you mean "passed out, and therefore completely still there, JOHN." So then the priest explains what he did. Put on your serious face for this one: He chanted an invocation or something to call a demon to possess Marlena, because if she were already possessed the new demon would duke it out with the old demon and they would know then if she were already possessed for sure. (John, for once in his life, thinks this is the stupidest idea he's ever heard.) Then he exorcised her. But only the one demon showed up. She wasn't possessed to begin with (until the priest got her possessed. You following this?). Therefore, she was responsible for anything she did. Bo mirandizes her with righteous fury while Belle weeps, and then she runs off. (See synopsis above.)
Marlena is then taken to the pokey (the pokey! the pokey!), thrown in a jumpsuit, and given a moment to tell John goodbye. He promises to move heaven and earth to prove her innocence. Marlena: "But... what if I'm not innocent!" Oh, teh drama! I pity the viewers who are just now coming in and don't know that SHE REALLY DID DO ALL OF IT.
Sami and Lucas: Sami shrieks drunkenly through about four commercial breaks. Lucas tries to subdue her and gets booze all over his funeral suit for his trouble. Kate threatens to call child services. On cue, Will bursts in and starts begging his parents to stop fighting. Lucas has Kate hustle Will off to his grandfather's for a while (Grandpa Sean? Grandpa Shawn?) He coaxes Sami out of the bathroom and tries to talk to her. They wrestle over a bottle of vodka. Sami becomes completely hysterical, so Lucas says, "I'm sorry I have to do this, Sami," and adminsters the most magnificent pimpslap thereunto the mother of his child. Two cops magically burst through the door, tear Lucas away, and cuff him as Sami stares in horror. Lucas tries to explain, but the cops shout that they saw the whole thing and haul him off. I say Kate was behind this, only it's totally not what she was aiming for.
Previews: Philip punches Shawn out on the roof. I am hoping the fact that they're on the roof does not come into play. Marlena gets caught up in some jailhouse fight, and Bo is seen intoning to John, "Someone got stabbed in the holding-pen. And she's dead."
P.S. One Wank to Rule Them All 2004: 25 pages, 5351 comments and still going.