AHHHH! I forgot to write the Days recap! Usually I play-by-play it just so I don't forget what happened, but general summaries seem to have worked the last couple of days, so I may go with that. Comment if you prefer the longer version.
The Lucas-Sami plotline really went nowhere--it just sort of wrapped itself up, which is shocking on a show like this. Lucas keeps apologizing to the cops and shell-shocked Sami, but it just sounds like abuser bullshit. Every time he says something like, "I used to be an alcoholic, so I know," or "My mother was a battered wife, so I know," the cops nod and say pointedly, "Ohhhh, history of abuse in the family. I have to write that down." More on this later.
John is refusing to testify against Marlena, and since he's the only one who heard her confession and saw her pull a gun on him, he's pretty much all they have. Bo is of the vexed. Sami, who is also at the station as you recall, starts shrieking at them. John turns to her and says that he's going to to everything he can to help Marlena and that he will not, in fact, testify. (I prefer to think this is not because he is incapable of remembering even the most recent events; I prefer to think of John as just so irrationally in love with Marlena as to be rendered idiotic. You can see it, can't you?) Sami is stunned.
Back to the Sami-Lucas storyline. John's loyalty to her mother gives Sami pause. Of course, Sami's been on "pause" the whole episode, just sort of stumbling around and wailing for her mommy and daddy. (You think I'm kidding.) Finally, after Lucas gives his mournful statement and it's her turn to give hers, she pulls her shit together and admits that she was the one who was drunk and violent, and that if the cops had burst in 20 seconds earlier, they'd have arrested her. Kate and Lucas react with such shock that I'm surprised the cops don't think Sami is lying. (Kate, to herself: "What game is that little bitch trying to pull now?" God, Kate, take a pill or something.) So today's theme is Family Loyalty. There you go.
Now. Back to the good stuff--the Caged Heat Lite stuff. Marlena is thrown into county lockup with a really scary blonde coming down off drugs, a Large Marge type, a Pat Benatar wannabe, and... Crystal. I heart Crystal. Crystal has her orange jumpsuit rolled up to her knees and half her hair is crimped. She's blonde and I mistook her for Nicole for a moment on the preview. She's supposed to be a hardened white trash criminal, but she still looks soap-opera glam. Je *coeur* Crystal.
Apparently half the pen has had dealings with Marlena, and just to make things worse, Marlena remembers none of them. Apparently her counseling didn't help Crystal, and apparently she passed judgment with "expert testimony" on Large Marge at a sentencing hearing. There's some freaky blonde druggie coming down who begs Marlena for help. Marlena's help consists of "take deep breaths." Druggie Blonde starts shrieking that she wants Marlena to hook her up with some drugs, STUPID. Druggie Blonde is apparently a moron as well as high. Food is passed out--your general prison slop n' beans fare. Crystal gets pushed by someone else into a plate of food and screeches "You pushed me!" at Marlena. Again: everyone in this pen is a moron. Crystal then backs that ass up with breathtaking élan and tells Marlena she ought to clean the food off for her. Marlena looks suitably horrified.
Cranky matron to the rescue: Nicole has come to see Crystal, her old friend from her porno days. ("How'd you know I was in jail?" asks Crystal. "When are you... not?" says Nicole in this half-sympathetic, half-condescending voice. Nicole is really growing on me.) She tells Crystal that she's got enough money to bail her out AND get her a good lawyer so that Crystal's little girl doesn't have to stay with Crystal's alcoholic mother. We are supposed to feel pity for Crystal and her babygirl here, except that I'm not sure that Crystal's an improvement as guardians go. What does Nicole want in exchange? Oh, for Crystal to kill Marlena, of course, so that Marlena won't rat Nicole and Crazy Jan out for the Victor bathtub murder. Crystal is on the verge of pointing out to Nicole that killing someone in the pokey is not the best way to beat a completely separate rap, but Nicole announces that Marlena dies today or Crystal gets no money, and leaves.
There's a plot about the Belle-Shawn-Philip triangle that basically involves Shawn accusing Philip of stealing his girl, and Belle and Philip ganging up on him, and then Belle and Shawn ganging up on Philip, wash rinse repeat, and then Philip and Shawn break out into a fistfight. Crazy Jan is watching from a brick wall somewhere. I don't know. Yawn.
Back to the pen. Crystal comes in and sends a telephone-style whisper around the room. (In fact, I like to imagine that not everyone got the message correctly, which would explain a lot about what happens next. I also like to imagine that they started off saying "Kill the rich bitch" and that somewhere down the line, one of the crazy trashy prisoners looks up and goes, "Kiss the Ritz Bits? What?") Anyway. The amazing thing is not that a prison fight breaks out. The amazing thing is that it seems to start spontaneously and have nothing to do with Marlena at all. The women start shoving and screaming at each other, and Marlena hides as best she can. And then, in a stunning stroke of cinematic brilliance, an orange-sleeved arm is seen to shoot up above the mêlée holding a sharpened spoon that gleams under the fluorescent track lighting. It plunges down! Gasp!
Bo gets a call that a fight has broken out, and that someone has been stabbed, and that someone is dead. John is horrified: "It has to be Marlena!," he gasps, clearly never having seen this show before. Artistic flashes of the holding pen reveal all the women sprawled unconscious, Marlena among them, her jumpsuit stained with
blood baked beans. Apparently one slightly serrated eating utensil took a dozen women out. Now we all ded from spoon.
Previews: Somehow Mimi gets knocked out in the boys' fight. The show is also stupid enough to give away that Marlena isn't the one dead, because Bo is seen ordering a murder investigation and John protests that they're not sure it's a murder yet, so clearly they think Marlena killed someone, not the other way around. Stupidheads. I mean, we all know she's fine, but I'd like for them to at least pretend there's a little suspense here.
ETA: My kingdom for a screen cap of the fight--I have an idea for an icon. C'mon, it'd be nice to have one for the recap entries.